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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask you for signs a marriage won't last?

179 replies

Hofty · 28/02/2018 23:02

m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/signs-a-marriage-wont-last-according-to-wedding-photographers_us_5a871dfee4b05c2bcaca8db9

I was reading this^ earlier. I think these 'signs' are largely nonsense, but it got me wondering... has anyone got any signs a marriage won't last they'd like to share? Has anyone ever noticed any 'red flags', so to speak, and been right?

DP and I are getting married this summer, but this is not in any way inspired our relationship, I'm just reading a lot on the topic of marriage at the moment.

I'll share first, it's probably an obvious one. I think a sign a marriage won't last is if either party is entering into it through a sense of obligation, for example when my grandparents married (at 16!!) they were expecting a baby and social norms at that time meant that they had to get married. They are the least compatible couple I've ever known and both openly admit they would never have done so if my grandmother hadn't been pregnant.

OP posts:
CuboidalSlipshoddy · 01/03/2018 10:30

Living together was just starting to be accepted by the mainstream

In the 1980s? Really? We were living together in the early 1980s, and our social circle included multiple couples who had been living together since the mid-1970s. No-one raised the slightest eyebrow: mortgages, life insurance, all mod cons. Everyone, like us, got married in order to have children because of the legal protections. We didn't get any pushback from family, either. Yeah, graduates often with graduate parents, but not in London and not from London.

A few contemporaries of ours married straight from university, under a fair amount of parental pressure, but they were outliers, with the usual issue being adolescent religion. Surely the stigma of cohabitation had gone, in mainstream society, by the early 1970s?

The80sweregreat · 01/03/2018 10:30

My best friend's dad went off with another woman in 76 and my own mum still blamed the wife ( my mum was lovely but very blinkered in her thinking at times, very straight in her views and not always right) in that circumstance it was him. it was frowned upon so much more up to the 1980s - my inlaws should have split up in the 1950s, but they stuck it out. i dont know why to be honest, but, again, convention and not as easy to do as it is now i guess., then they had children etc etc. easier to stick it out than divorce.

toomuchtooold · 01/03/2018 10:32

To early I think you're right re. 80s marriages. Two of my cousins' marriages in the 80s had the whiff of gunpowder about them...

The80sweregreat · 01/03/2018 10:35

A distant relative of mine was married for over 30 years i think, seemed so happy and really had it all, money and a big house and a thriving business. he run off with someone he knew for only 6 weeks. she was devastated. you never can tell whats round the corner.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 01/03/2018 10:39

I knew a couple who got married. He didn't seem to keen on spending time with his new wife on their wedding day. He was more interested in the other guests than her. She was less than impressed by this and I wondered if they would last. I wasn't surprised to hear they were having a wobble some years later. However, they seem to have recovered their differences and are still together. Still happy ? Don't know.

Another wedding I went to. I had known the bride for years. My husband and I were renting from her. We discretely left the reception at about 10.30pm and weren't going to comment on any of the renting arrangements as it was her wedding day.

She must have noticed us slipping out of the door as she came beetling towards us, with a serious look on her face, to speak about the renting arrangements. It was all good and nothing that couldn't have waited until after their honeymoon. IIRC she was stone cold sober too. Odd, as like me, she's no stranger to the wine glass !

The marriage was as much a business deal as the renting arrangements IMO. Their baby was conceived four months after they wed. He was no longer living at her house with the baby young enough to need a car seat. I used to see him driving away from her house with an empty car seat in the back of his car and a baleful look on his face on occasional Sunday mornings. Returning the child after contact ? Yep.

Peanutbuttercheese · 01/03/2018 10:47

I have been to over thirty weddings. I'm not sure how some of them worked out as have lost touch with a few people.

But natureshaped the three really super flashy wedddings I have been to have all ended in divorce. One of the weddings featured in a wedding magazine.

We had our reception in a village hall, pigs grazed freely outside, it was in the New Forest and domestic pigs are allowed out and about to graze under an ancient right. It was before sat navs and we had in the instructions if you drive past the pigs on the crossroads you have gone too far, they tended to congregate there.

pinkdonkey · 01/03/2018 10:48

I think friendship, communication and willingness to compromise are key. DH and I have been through the mill and life events have very nearly broken us at times. The things that have kept us together are that we are each other's best friends, when something goes wrong we want to talk to each other about it and face it together. We thank each other for the little things, like doing housework or cooking or just listening and supporting each other. We find a compromise and when life is tough we are willing to reach out for support for us as a couple. After DH was diagnosed with a serious illness we went for counceĺing together which helped us through it. The nurse told us that a lot of couples refuse this as they feel it indicates there is a problem in their relationship. For me it indicated that we wanted to face the challenges together and loved each other enough to do everything we could to keep our relationship healthy.

DrewBerry95 · 01/03/2018 10:53

Classic FM interviewed Britain's longest married couple and asked them "what's the secret of a happy marriage?" And they replied "dinner together at the table every night and a good chat"

The problem with this is just because a couple stays married, doesn't mean they adore each other and have a better relationship by any means.

Some people just stay together, just because, no other reason.

So the 'longest married couple' doesn't really impress me much on paper. But I don't know them so can't even begin to know what their dynamics are like.

For a healthy relationship, I think there are 3 main things:

Love each other

LISTEN and then talk

Don't strop

TotHappy · 01/03/2018 10:55

BelleandBeast that sounds just like my situation! What do you do? Do you think you will just let it break?
Trust can be lost without an affair, definitely. I can't trust my husband because his word means nothing - he'll say something, we'll make an arrangement or whatever and then when it comes to it he'll just do whatever he feels like in the moment. His impulse control is so shit and apparently he cannot see an agreement or undertaking made with e as in any way binding. He was very upset/angry when I said i can't trust him as he feels this is an awful thing to say but you can't PRODUCE trust! You either believe what the other person says or you dont because sadly, it's not believable!

FeedtheTree · 01/03/2018 10:59

*For a healthy relationship, I think there are 3 main things:

Love each other

LISTEN and then talk

Don't strop*

@DrewBerry95 That's interesting. Mine would be:

Be openly positive about each other in public and in private
Have fun together, not just separately
Have fun as a family

Having fun is a massive part of my theory of what makes a good marriage.

DrewBerry95 · 01/03/2018 11:02

Feed I like yours. I suppose mine should've read '3 main things you should be doing as a mere base'

Fun together is definitely essential. Who wants to be miserable? But fun 24/7 isn't usually possible, I don't think. I think it's fine just to be contented and comfortable Smile

HazelBite · 01/03/2018 11:24

Its all about mutal Respect and afeection for one another.
(40years into my second marriage}

HazelBite · 01/03/2018 11:26

affection

BelleandBeast · 01/03/2018 11:26

I don't know @tothappy. I'm getting counselling as he won't change, I have to deal with it, but I don't want to break up my family as my children love him. But I'm exhausted.

You are right, its the trust. I can't trust him with anything and he keeps letting me down. I'm sick of being the strong one and nobody takes care of me. He's actually a Man-child.

That's another one - emotional maturity - don't get together with a man-Child!

BelleandBeast · 01/03/2018 11:27

That was in answer to @TotHappy

susurration · 01/03/2018 11:33

I think it depends very much on the characters of the people in the marriage. Their ability to work together as a couple, get over difficulties together and who progress together is very important in my opinion.

Talking about children, parenting ideals (because you don't know what your actual STYLE is or how you will both be as parents until you've had the children, surely?) money management, how you deal with your anger/temper/bad days, are all things you should talk about or think about together before you walk up the aisle.

I think if there are huge red flags before marriage, like violent arguments, not living together, very different backgrounds that aren't able to be overcome, is where the issues lie.

But for people like me and my husband, who began a relationship at 18, married at 23 and are now approaching 30 it's hard to pin it all down really. We're lucky enough to have had similar upbringings and the same basic values. We've both grown and changed a lot over the 11 years of our relationship, but we've managed to rub along together well. We have sort of similar money ideals for example. I like to save a lot and worry about having enough in the bank. Husband likes to be able to buy himself things, but is sensible enough to save money too and so I can deal with that because it's not like he is doing it to spite me. We understand each other's concerns over money. We sort of discuss how we think we will be, or idealise parenthood, but we'll have to learn about it together when it eventually happens.

One of our biggest strengths is simply that we care about each other. If you don't really care about your spouse, their opinions, feelings etc, how can you possibly have a successful marriage or relationship?

Belindabauer · 01/03/2018 11:33

Marry someone who wants the same things as you do.

Bubblesgun · 01/03/2018 11:36

NaiceBiscuits

And what fo you think about a couple who has been together years and neither of them like public display of affection?

To divorce or not to divorce? You seem very sure of yourself Wink

VulvaNotVagina · 01/03/2018 12:01

I'm surprised posters are saying NOT living together is a red flag, I recall reading a study that said the exact opposite: living together before marriage increases the likelihood of divorce.

My theory is that 2 things are needed: love and kindness. Focusing on being kind eliminates a host of unpleasant behaviours - from selfishness, sarcasm, right down to physical violence.

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 01/03/2018 12:14

Thinking about it, maybe our best move was not having an official wedding photographer- who needs all that judgement on their wedding day Grin

IpreferFrieda · 01/03/2018 12:15

Mmmm well we got married in 1988 as did 4 of our friends and we are all celebrating our 30th wedding anniversaries this year so the 80s thing is bollocks. Also we all lived together before we got married it was 1980 not 1880!!!!

And you absolutely cannot tell who will make it and who won’t because no one really knows the secrets of another persons marriage. Fact

IpreferFrieda · 01/03/2018 12:16

Bloody hell 1988!!! Lol

TotHappy · 01/03/2018 12:19

@Belle we have had some relationship counselling recently which seemed to help but things seem to be slipping back... Maybe you're right and they will never change. I have tried dropping things to see if picks them up- worked a bit, not always. I too don't want to break up our family. I do love him but often don't like him much and not sure I can bear to live with him forever!

whiteroseredrose · 01/03/2018 12:28

I was right three times when I was at a wedding and had a feeling it wouldn't last. Each time it was a very fancy wedding that seemed to be more about the perfect wedding than the marriage.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 01/03/2018 12:39

And you absolutely cannot tell who will make it and who won’t because no one really knows the secrets of another persons marriage. Fact

Yup. In short. Yes. That's a very good summing up.