AIBU to ask you for signs a marriage won't last?

[Hofty]

m.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/signs-a-marriage-wont-last-according-to-wedding-photographers_us_5a871dfee4b05c2bcaca8db9

I was reading this^ earlier. I think these 'signs' are largely nonsense, but it got me wondering... has anyone got any signs a marriage won't last they'd like to share? Has anyone ever noticed any 'red flags', so to speak, and been right?

DP and I are getting married this summer, but this is not in any way inspired our relationship, I'm just reading a lot on the topic of marriage at the moment.

I'll share first, it's probably an obvious one. I think a sign a marriage won't last is if either party is entering into it through a sense of obligation, for example when my grandparents married (at 16!!) they were expecting a baby and social norms at that time meant that they had to get married. They are the least compatible couple I've ever known and both openly admit they would never have done so if my grandmother hadn't been pregnant.

From my own experiences:

• big weddings/bridezilla antics.
• Any time it's been a "We get married or we break up" proposal.
• People who expect there to always be something exciting going on.

I don't think time elapsed particularly has too much to do with it - although I can see how couples stay together because it's easier to not question the status quo.

If our wedding day was anything to go by, we'd have divorced a few weeks/months later... Everything went wrong and we had a massive bust up (shouting and crying included) minutes before going off to exchange vows. In the video, you can can see my DH clenching his teeth and me sulking and rolling my eyes during the ceremony...

A few years down the line, we're still married and hand on heart very, very happy together.

A UK celebrity was talking on the radio once about how his ten year marriage ended due to the fact they never had an argument and therefore they kept their true feelings hidden from one another. While too much fighting is a bad sign, it’s healthy to have the occasional argument and air your grievances or resentment sets in and you kiss it all goodbye.

An old boyfriend from years ago felt I'd lost interest in the relationship because I stopped arguing/fighting back/point scoring. He was pretty much waiting for the end of our relationship. In his opinion, I think, we were no longer live.

I thought he would be glad for a bit of calm. In his view we had / I had become becalmed.

(It reminds me of a joke from a situation comedy where a bloke comments on the end of a relationship, 'I had to let her go, she had no idea how to start an argument.' Or not starting a relationship with someone because they are not scary enough !

1. Couples who are very affectionate to each other in public. Every couple I know who are overly lovey dovey, has a bad relationship or splits up soon after.
2. Where one partner seems more into their partner than vice versa.
3. I have read that from wedding photos you can tell if a marriage is likely to last. Compatible couples look equally happy and have similar expressions, uncompatible couples, one looks happier than the other.

My Mum's red flag is a couple who have been together a long time (say 5+ years) before getting married. Her theory is they've just done it because it's the next thing and it was that or break up. The next thing they try is breaking up. I've seen this play out a few times.

I don't agree with this. There are myriad reasons for a couple to take their time and it's not always because one party is dragging their heels.

A UK celebrity was talking on the radio once about how his ten year marriage ended due to the fact they never had an argument and therefore they kept their true feelings hidden from one another. While too much fighting is a bad sign, it’s healthy to have the occasional argument and air your grievances or resentment sets in and you kiss it all goodbye.

I also don't agree with this, mostly. Sometimes, yes, if one partner is stonewalling but sometimes, a couple just rub along nicely without winding each other up! I've had enough relationships of the shouty kind and now, bar the very odd occasion (probably once every 2 or 3 years), we discuss any issues and resolve straight away. We fundamentally like each other so it's easy.

I had two polar opposite weddings (to the same DH) , so don't know if we'll last or not! First one in a registry office, organized entirely by us, peaceful, no arguments, everyone we wanted with us, not Bridezilla at all, spent much of the time chatting to our guests. Second one abroad, organized entirely by my mother, totally MOBridezilla, FIL made a fuss about everything at every possible stage. So many things went wrong and we knew so few people and the ones we did know were arguing, so we spent most of the reception together, praying for the end. We've been married 15 years. Don't know what counts as successful though. Is it sticking it out for life or until the kids grow up or making it past the first 10/20 years?
I agree when I was in primary school, most of my friends had divorced parents. I was a rarity in that. My kids friends parents are mostly still married, as are most of my family and friends who all got married in the 2000's. I can only think of one couple who are divorced.

I watched Mindhunter series on netflix a while back and the couple in it were not happy - he made a few points about how he knew she was going to dump him ( she was sitting with a drink, but hadn't got one for him and didnt stand up to say hello for example) and it was so true - i've seen it so many times with friends and relatives how it just comes to an end and they just dont care any more about the other person. when he told her what she was about to say, she was amazed that he already knew! the signs are always there usually when its over. some people see the signs and others just don't.

I'd say money and attitude to it is a real factor. DP is a spender even when he doesn't have it and has brought us up to near breaking point. It WILL break us, as after 10 years, he still won't listen and learn and I can't trust him.

Lets not forget that lots of people cheat, get into debt, don't pull their weight etc.
Whenever I see couples where one of them takes on far more responsibility than the other , I think the relationship is doomed.n
I agree about major differences causing a rift.
I think couples no are similar get on better in the long run.

Couples who are similar get on better.

lack of kindness and politeness in everyday life seems to indicate a short marriage.

Would not dream of making myself a cuppa without asking DH, he would not dream of making one without asking me - and both of us would say "yes please" or "no thank you", followed by a "thank you my love" -

people always comment - and the most vociferous comments about us being "loved up" come from our divorced or unhappy friends.

I got together with DP in late 80s. I think it was more common then for people to get married - because that is what you did, but divorce was much easier and becoming more socially acceptable.

I wanted to get married as my much older siblings were married and i was very naive too and thought it would be fantastic. I was insecure, thought i would be on the shelf and just flattered that somebody asked me. we get on better now than we did then though i think , grew up together. he still can drive me mad though!
most of my friends are divorced or with new partners , most of dh's friends are still together. a few have had horrendous divorces.

When you both feel like you're getting out more than what you put in to the relationship I think it will last.

An example that comes to mind in my relationship is that if we both pitch in with making a meal, we will both be saying while we eat "thanks for making tea" and "oh no I didn't really do anything, it was all you". It seems just a little thing but acknowledging each other's input is really important to me.

I have heard it said "a couple that prays together, stays together". praying with someone really helps to get to know them fully and helps you to counsel each other. I realise not everyone prays but in a marriage I think all your feelings should be out in the open so I can see why some people use that saying.

The good times should be better through sharing them together. The hard times should be easier when you support each other through them.

Babdoc, you just made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss. And that's the best wedding story I've ever heard.

Call me a cynic, but how exactly would wedding photographers know how long any of the weddings they photograph last? It's not as if separating couples text their wedding photographer to let them know.

Whilst I don't want to blame a particular decade for marriage/divorce there was more, I think, getting married because you had been dating for 2 years.

Living together was just starting to be accepted by the mainstream. Yes, people had been living together but not married before then either overtly or covertly. However, the expectation to get engaged then married was still there. Married meant you/your relationship had made it.

Partner ever used to mean ballroom dancing partner or tennis partner. Partner is now the acceptable term for husband/wife equivalent. More and more people are joined by a bloodline i.e. kids. However, the law hasn't caught up with them on how to deal with the fall out. That's when it gets messy. No such thing in law as a common law wife etc.

There are the marriage vows e.g. sickness and in health, better or for worse, for richer for poorer. It's only the 'be faithful to each other' vow that ends the marriage.

I accept that non-adherence to the other 'sounds nice' vows will break down trust. But the big one, so to speak, is the breaking of the faithful vow.

Classic FM interviewed Britain's longest married couple and asked them "what's the secret of a happy marriage?" And they replied "dinner together at the table every night and a good chat".

Simple and effective!

I agree Beyondthepage.
Some people don't do this though.
I have never,ever seen ex fil make mil, or anyone else for that matter a drink.
Even when she is ill she does it.I
It's a complete lack of consideration for anyone else.

i understand why the longer term marriages split to be honest - its just when one person will not have it that maybe they are to blame a bit too?
thats what winds me up, even if its none of my business!

Living together and divorce less stigmatised in the 80's is what I was trying to say.

I don't think DH and I spent more than about 15 mins together all day at our wedding. We've been married 23 years. I love how these wedding photographers 'know' whether the couples will stay together without actually knowing the couples afterwards to discover whether or not their predictions pan out. What a post-truth article.

The 80's were great -

I didn't used to understand why someone would get married for the fourth or the fifth time. Apparently, the ending of all their previous marriages was never the fault of the much married/much divorced person. (Can't help but think of third or fourth time married Gregg Wallace just now.)

I don't think you can ever tell.

My XH and I were a devoted couple when we married. We adored each other, we were the couple everyone wanted to be (so they told me), We'd lived together four years before we married, everything was getting better and better, he was besotted with me and I loved him deeply.

We didn't even last three years. He had a mini breakdown training for a new career and decided he was in love with a classmate. Who he'd never even spoken to or been alone with.

You just can't tell.