Smug young homeowners from the Bank of Mum and Dad

[LittleMissUnreasonable]

AIBU unreasonable to find it very irritating when young couples/young people manage to buy their first home early and spout the whole
"We worked so hard to save
"We deserve it "
"We didn't want to rent anymore"
"I can't believe some people still rent"
"We've got loads saved up for a house deposit "

Which is all fine...until you realise the house deposit it was 'gifted' by parents. Again that's fine

I just think it's irritating that entitled trust fund 20-somethings looking down on renters for not yet being on the property ladder yet fail to mention most of their deposit was from the Bank of Mum and Dad.

Not everyone can have that privilege and it's unfair to look down on those without

I still remember seeing an acquaintance post a picture on Facebook of her house keys with the message 'my first house! Feel like a real grown up now!'. She was referring to a property that I knew for a fact her parents had bought outright for her.

When we bought I was determined to be really open about the fact that we'd had a lot of family help, because I think it's dangerous and insidious that so many people pretend they 'just worked hard' for it. It turns out to make other people feel quite uncomfortable.

Its nothing new. I hate boasters.
With a passion.
So many old friends had help, but peddle the 'we worked hard' stuff.
Used to wind me up.then and still does now.

Yes a girl I sit in front of at work has just bought her first house with her boyfriend and knows we are also saving hard. She has been spouting loudly to colleagues about how they are finally ready savingswise and can’t wait to get out of the rental market into their three bed semi and how she feels sorry for first time buyers nowadays. She forgets she once told a colleague ages ago that her parents split the equity on their house when they divorced between her and her twin sister, ready for a deposit each. Honestly makes me sick 😪 here’s me and my boyfriend renting (live away from families for jobs so couldn’t live with them to save) and trying to save as much as we can each month, while she makes herself feel superior based on no achievement at all

I anticipate paying for my parents funeral. We are already paying towards FIL care as he spent all his savings, although he has pre paid his funeral. We will inherit photos and china, and no money.
Everyone suffers bereavement of parents and other relatives. It is part of the human condition, although a difficult part.

Bomad is a bit like the snake eating it's own tail.... smug homeowners who've spent years revelling and glorying in rampant house price inflation only to find they've now got to use all those unearned gains to help their kids by an equally overpriced house.

I tell a lie. We got a £1000 when my partners mum died young. But lost more money than that on wages as DP is self employed and was devastated by the very sudden death of his young and fit mother. She did literally just drop dead - brain haemorrhage.

Late 20's here. We are very thankful and grateful for parental help, we saved £10k ourselves and got £10k from each set of parents for our deposit/cost of moving, had they not been able to we would have saved an extra year or two and bought somewhere cheaper as where we were was becoming unaffordable. We've moved to an affordable village and renting was a big point in our house purchase, our mortgage is around £400 less pm then our rent was. I've never bragged about it though and we rented some horrible hovels in the 8 years we were living together. I know we're very lucky but I don't see how that makes me smug.

I agree sweetheart
I'd imagine many people whi have been fortunate enough to inherit would probably rather their loved one was alive.
DH and I were looking to buy and had saved for years to get our deposit. We had looked at a house at the top of our original budget but were reluctant to stretch to it. The little extra (from a very sad and unexpected situation) meant we felt happier doing it.

We are not 'trust funders'. We've grafted and saved and not gone travelling, not got new cars every few years, not gone out drinking, not done expensive hobbies and impromtu weekends away.
I can't stand hearing friends in my area go on like the only way people buy a house is with the bank of mum and dad when they (like us) live in an affordable area but choose to fritter their money away.

YANBU but am I allowed to be annoyed at people who tell me how lucky I am that my mother killed herself?

We were given 10k by my fiancé's parents last year toward our deposit and they helped us with decorating/furniture too. However I would never look down on anyone renting or deny that we are lucky to have this gift. Especially as my own home life with my parents was intolerable (moved out as soon as I could) and my Mum has never supported me materially, despite claiming to do so (and being in a position to actually do so). I rented & struggled to pay basic utilities and debts for many years. To be honest having this help from fiancé's parents was very humbling but also healing for me, as I realised how much his parents care for him (and by extension me) and so I will always be grateful. I don't like to imagine what my life would be like without him, as I don't have a safety net and don't even speak to my mum.

It’s a variation on the ‘is success down to hard work or luck’ theme I suppose.

Dh and I had no help but we bought relatively late in our mid thirties. There was a bit of both involved. We’d both worked hard and spent many years living in shit accommodation to complete our educations (PhD, postdoc, lowly start in industry) so yes an element of hard work for sure. But also luck - the first starter flat went up a lot and the profit from that plus too OK to good salaries enabled us to get a mortgage on this place. So that wasn’t down to our hard work.

In our case it was a bit of both - neither of us had a rich start (I grew up very poor) but we were lucky to be born intelligent enough to work in our industry. Lucky enough to be healthy and lucky enough to meet each other. We’ve made sacrifices and we’ve made good choices too.

I don’t think many people get everything handed to them on a plate and I don’t think that many manage to make it to millionairedom from a terrible start. For most people it’s a bit of both and people would do well to acknowledge that.
We are both savers and I’m always aware that it only takes one bit of bad luck like Ill health to change your life dramatically.

I’d not have been best pleased being looked down on when I was renting mouse infested damp shitholes, and I’d never dream of looking down on a renter.

I would say 90% of my friends who own a home are at least part funded by parents or inheritance. None of them are twats about it though. DP and I are 100% self-funded. My parents are minted but they clearly missed the memo about funding your kids' lifestyle well past 21...

Yes, in those 'I bought my house at 23' I always look out for the inevitable '...and an inheritance of £20,000/£10k from mum and dad', or in the case of slightly older married couples sometimes 'We lived with my parents for two years', so they had the privilege of the space and a good relationship with parents.

I inherited some money so was able to buy in my early 20s but I would never, ever have put it about that it was some marvellous achievement on my part, I was fortunate enough to get the money and it was 17 years ago, so it was enough money to buy somewhere in London on my salary at the time, which it wouldn't be these days (even, on fact, on my current salary!)

I bought a flat in SE, age 21 with a 100% mortgage. 30 now and people assume I had hand outs. I didn't, I was just lucky enough to be buying when it was easy to buy.

I have a friend flat hunting at the moment. She's always moaning about not having money yet has a well paid job and is always going on holiday. Her parents are giving her a big deposit and she doesn't seem grateful at all. She's a great person but she doesn't seem to appreciate what she's being given! Her parents aren't loaded.

The FT wrote an article saying that this exact point a week or so ago about how the language is that people 'saved' for a deposit on a house even when they spell out they got £60,000 gifted to them by family.

But they point out its the language is what is being used by the press and by politicians and by various industries too, not by 'smug couples' and this is misleading as it creates the idea that young people can just save that amount and if you can't you are somehow not saving enough. Its creating the narrative of, if only you worked a bit harder or saved a bit harder you too could own a home, when the reality is that's utter bullshit.

It said that everyone needs to be more honest and transparent about it. I wish I could find the original article because its really interesting reading.

So YABU in saying its smug couples. Its not coming from them, its coming from everyone around them and those in authority who are white washing the reality.

But YANBU in the point you are making about the bank and mum and dad being erased from the equation of buying a house.

Well yes of course it's a bit of a pisser to see people getting ahead of the game because of luck or family inheritance or the generosity of their comfortably off parents. I totally understand why that would really grate.

But do they really say any of those things?

I don't think they do, actually. I think you want to believe they do, because you are envious. There is no shame in being envious but don't be a bitter twat about it.

I think the article RedToothBrush refers is right about it's not that people actually say these things but the way the papers spin it (or put words in their mouths, which they do all the time), so you do have a good point BeverlyHillsBillie

I get where you are coming from Op.
I had friends who were very smug as they bought houses in their mid twenties, but all seemed to gloss over how much cash their parents had handed them. They would literally act like they were better than me.

However, we did finally manage to buy, all by ourselves, about 4 years ago (I was 30). We lived in the tiniest rental properties and were careful with spending (south east so you have to live in a hovel to keep rent low!)

The only help from my parents was they bought a double buggy (Dd was newborn) and DPs parents gave bought some pots of paint etc and a takeaway on moving day.

I get That people have varying degrees of good fortune, but some have a total lack of awareness how lucky they are. A work colleague bangs on about how lazy people in social housing must be, yet her parents gave her a £300K house deposit

I don't think being given money from hard working parents who made sacrifices means you are privileged.

Looking down on someone who inherits nothing, who perhaps looked after a parent financially, or who had no help during their formative years, is clearly the action of a weak character.

Some character traits bounce over a generation or two.

I promised myself i wasnt going to rant but. Why are they different to a "dolite" who has had their rent paid for them all their adult lives, They still hsvent busted a gut for what they've got, because they're posh and middle class.

It sounds a little envious tbh, how do you know they've been given money from their parents ? Some young people just make the right decisions early in life. I owned my first property in London when I was 22, it was a one bedroom flat and can honestly say I didn't get a penny from my parents to help with it, they did however pay for my first weeks shopping. Now I'm 28 and live in a 3 bedroom house in London and do get annoyed when I have faced resentment from older people because I made good decision at a young age.

I just think it's irritating that entitled trust fund 20-somethings looking down on renters for not yet being on the property ladder yet fail to mention most of their deposit was from the Bank of Mum and Dad.

'Trust fund 20-somethings' is a daft cliche to use. Being able to give your child 25k or whatever doesn't make them a trust funder. The sort of people who give their children house deposits are often plumbers and train drivers and estate agents as well as bankers and lawyers and old money types. They are just people who for whatever reason, have paid off their own mortgages and have some spare cash knocking around in their fifties, often due to inheriting from their own recently deceased parents.

Not everyone can have that privilege and it's unfair to look down on those without

Well yes, it would be. if it were happening. Which I really don't think it is, except in your imagination.

where do parents (usually aged 55-60-ish) pull 50 grand from to hand to their adult children?

In the case of mine and DH parents, they have cash in the bank from their parents who were all homeowners when they passed. We were grateful receive a small contribution from each to our deposit to add to what we saved. they saw it as sharing what they had inherited, they all have paid off mortgages and good pensions.

I was left an inheritance which I used to put a very large deposit down on my house. I struggled to get a small mortgage to top up the amount to be enough to buy a small 3 bed house as I only worked part time. Before that we rented, never thinking that homeownership would be an option as I work part time and my partner has been bankrupt in the past.

I have saved money for my children since they day there were born and I also hope to be able to release some equity to help them towards a deposit when they are older. I can't assume that they will inherit the proceeds from the sale of this house when I die as I expect it will all disappear to care home fees