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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this engagement is a farce?

136 replies

SweeetHomeAlabama · 27/02/2018 11:55

I’ve name changed for this to prevent outing myself.

My BIL met a girl with a daughter and fell in love. By all accounts they’re very happy. The girl has a son (we’ll call him James) from a previous relationship and they waited a good 6 months before introducing james to BIL. James’ real dad has been a major let down and within weeks of James meeting BIL, he gave him a Father’s Day card. He was calling him Dad in no time. BIL is fairly well off and his girlfriend didn’t have much before so now plasters every single thing they have/buy all over Facebook. BIL was visiting us yesterday and told us he plans to propose to his girlfriend. We asked if he thought they’d get married soon, he told us “No, she just wants her ring, she’s not too fussed about the marriage bit”.

I have to say, I really don’t understand the point in getting engaged just to have a ring. No doubt it’s so she can show it off on social media. I quite liked her when I first met her but I’m just unsure of her intentions now I suppose. She seems happy but I think that happiness might purely be because she has more money and a Dad for her child, rather than for actually being in love.

Not really my business I suppose but just wanted to vent a bit really. Her bragging does wear me down at times.

OP posts:

Somerville · 27/02/2018 11:58

You seem to be implying that your BIl's girlfriend is a gold digger. But if she were, she'd be very keen on marriage.

You liked her when you met her, and your BIL is happy, no? I'd focus on that.

SleepFreeZone · 27/02/2018 11:59

It’s up to him though isn’t it. He must be getting something out of it as he seems to know her very well and how she operates. Perhaps he has no intention of marrying her either but is happy to buy her a ring?

Original poster

SweeetHomeAlabama · 27/02/2018 12:01

She always acts like she’s above others and it’s just getting annoying. I’m normally quite good at dealing with these things but it’s everytime we see them.

She’s not a gold digger in some respects. She wants him too so she can show off that she’s got a rich partner. Posts on Facebook are always about how she is “always treated like a princess” and “so spoiled”. Stuff like that is my pet hate!

OP posts:

Original poster

SweeetHomeAlabama · 27/02/2018 12:03

At new year, she put up a collage of pictures of big purchases they’d made in 2017, new house, multiple cars etc.

OP posts:

PhelanThePain · 27/02/2018 12:03

Does she have a son or a daughter?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 27/02/2018 12:04

Not too fussed about the marriage bit... Do either of them understand the meaning of being "engaged to be married"?
Seems a bit of a halfwitted thing to do, really.

Rachie1973 · 27/02/2018 12:04

SweeetHomeAlabama
She always acts like she’s above others and it’s just getting annoying. I’m normally quite good at dealing with these things but it’s everytime we see them.

Really? Because it doesn't seem like you are good at dealing with it since you're here whinging about it.

Why should she give a shit about your 'pet hate'? If you don't like it, don't look.

I think it's lovely that your B treats her brilliantly, and if they're happy you'll need to remove your jealous beak and let them get on with it.

eeanne · 27/02/2018 12:04

You only have your BIL’s side. Maybe she’s desperate to be married but he’s just giving her a ring to keep her quiet for now.

PhelanThePain · 27/02/2018 12:05

Hide her on FB. Problem solved.

x2boys · 27/02/2018 12:06

I don't get those kind of engagements either my friend said she just wanted to get engaged and had no intention of getting married personally I thought she was spectacularly missing the point but each to there own I suppose.

Purpledahlia88 · 27/02/2018 12:06

BIL met a girl with a daughter.
The girl has a son.

I'm confused

Original poster

SweeetHomeAlabama · 27/02/2018 12:06

It’s a son sorry. I’ll blame that on sleep deprivation!

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 27/02/2018 12:06

Arghh this isn’t hurting you op, they are happy - why judge and p£&s on their parade

Emmageddon · 27/02/2018 12:07

If they are very happy, as you say in your OP, then so what if he is buying her/them nice things for the house and is planning to get engaged? It's nothing to do with you.

happygirly1 · 27/02/2018 12:10

It depends what your issue is really.

Is it that you just don't understand why someone would want to be engaged but not too bothered about the marriage? Because if so, all the rest of the information is meaningless and nothing to do with this issue.

Or is it that you have concerns that your brother is being used by someone who enjoys the lifestyle he can give her, including being a surrogate father to her son?

I suspect it's the latter, considering the rest of the information you've shared. However, if they both seem genuinely happy, I'm tempted to say it's not something you can do anything about. His partner, his choice. If you want a good relationship with your brother I'd try to not focus on these things if you can and just try to have a good relationship with the woman making him happy.

TheFaerieQueene · 27/02/2018 12:13

You seem very territorial over your BiL. Do you have feelings for him?

VladmirsPoutine · 27/02/2018 12:13

You've all but called her a gold-digger.

I suppose your BiL is a capable man? Maybe eventually it will all come out. Who knows. There's not really anything you can do about it tbh.

Elocutioner · 27/02/2018 12:13

Don't piss on her chips.

Defriend her if you don't like her.

ParadiseCity · 27/02/2018 12:16

So the girl is actually a woman.
The daughter is really a son.
I get it now.

Maybe the woman has had a shit time and is enjoying being in love with a decent man?

Fwiw I think if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.

Seafoodeatit · 27/02/2018 12:17

If you're not planning on getting married then you're not engaged, the ring is a symbol of it, not the act itself.

I would unfollow her on facebook, if she is a braggy as you say she may have a complex, feel judged and feels better about herself this way, who knows! but you're not forced to look.

Original poster

SweeetHomeAlabama · 27/02/2018 12:24

So the girl is actually a woman.
The daughter is really a son.
I get it now.

Girl/woman - I use the term intechangably. She’s in her 20s as am I.

Daughter/Son - I’m sleep deprived and have 2 daughters myself.

OP posts:

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/02/2018 12:24

Probably best to stop looking at her FB posts? FaceBook is full of fake boasty bollocks. I can't stand all the #treated like a princess #living the best life #so blessed posts either. I don't go on Face Book.

Some of the nauseating look at me in my good place posts are probably due to deep insecurity anyway.

As pointed out, she'd be steaming ahead with wedding plans if she was a hard nosed gold digger so your line of thinking there seems a bit off target.

fusushumi · 27/02/2018 12:25

She seems happy but I think that happiness might purely be because she has more money and a Dad for her child, rather than for actually being in love

Can't it be all of these things, the whole package her relationship with your BIL is offering?

ObscuredbyFog · 27/02/2018 12:26

At new year, she put up a collage of pictures of big purchases they’d made in 2017, new house, multiple cars etc

Does she not realise that's like putting a huge sign outside inviting burglary?

Perhaps if she knew she'd be less inclined to be so crass. Would it invalidate their house insurance?

Original poster

SweeetHomeAlabama · 27/02/2018 12:27

In all honesty, I’m just finding it tedious. Every time I talk to her it’s “brag, brag, brag”. Not only on Facebook so hiding her posts will help but it’s still draining. I’m just dreading having to listen to her harp on about her ring until the end of time. When they get engaged, he’ll ask her “will you marry me” and she’ll presumably say “yes” which just doesn’t make much sense to me if you only want a ring and no marriage. It’s just something else for her to brag about.

OP posts:

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