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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
Maryann1975 · 26/02/2018 13:51

What’s gone wrong with the world when an adult who has been sharing a house with a child for the weekend can not be contacted about why the dc has been sent home with no socks on.
One of my exboyfriends had a dc, which put me in the step mother role when she came to stay. Of course I parented her. Ensured she had clean clothes on, fed her, made she was warm enough and entertained. It’s a sad time when this isn’t expected. I didn’t take the job away from exbf, we did it together, in much the same way dh and I parent now.

I would imagine if the step mother sent her dc to their fathers and they came back freezing cold and inadequately dressed she would have something to say about it! The more people looking out for children the better. And if you are living with their parent, then yes, you should be taking some responsibility for their welfare when they are under your roof, especially as there are other dc in the house. I would hope the ops ex is helping out and looking out for his step children too. Do people honestly think otherwise? luckily it’s only on mn that I encounter the attitude that step parents hold absolutely no responsibility whatsoever, my experience in real life is quite different.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 13:51

If i have someone else's child in my home whether it be my dps ds or a friends dc i make sure they have the basics as I would for my own. It shouldn't be up to her I agree but df doesn't listen. She's happy to have my ds sleep at hers, she feeds him, entertains him etc so what's the difference between that and between her and df making sure he is warm? I don't think her kids went out without socks on this morning! I was in no way blaming her or having a go but just asking her to remind him when needed as I can only tell him so many times

OP posts:
Urubu · 26/02/2018 13:54

They live together so she has some duty of care towards my ds
No she doesn't. Your ex has a duty of care.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 13:57

So for example if df goes to the shop and leaves ds with dp she has no responsibility and could leave him to do whatever?!
A relationship is meant to be a partnership. I would seriously consider my relationship if my ds needed help with something or whatever and dp said no he's not my responsibility

OP posts:
hairycoo · 26/02/2018 13:58

Yanbu. But anything on mn involving the sm (and particularly if sm is expected to actually parent) you will be found to be ur. Sm are to have no contact with dc and no responsibility towards them. They are just strangers occasionally forced to share the same house. Or in the real world when couples get together in blended families communication and civility are usually key. You didn't accuse the sm of neglecting your child few just merely asked very politely to pass on a msg to Df.

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 14:02

Well, you’ve learnt your lesson, your ex’s girlfriend doesn’t want anything to do with you and doesn’t want to be contacted by you - can’t say blame her.

DoggyMadMum, go back to giving advice on dogs, and stop being bitchy to other women.

Nicknacky · 26/02/2018 14:02

When relations between you are so strained why expect a reply? You know he has read the message you have made your point and hopefully he will have realised he mucked up. Otherwise it might have appeared to him you were looking for an argument and he was trying to avoid that.

Or alternatively maybe he was at work and just could be bothered to deal with it at that point and would have text you later. You didn't allow much time before you text his partner.

TheClitterati · 26/02/2018 14:08

Wow I'm amazed at how many Mumsnetters are so happy to stroll around wearing no socks in this freezing weather. And their children too.

Or is it just small anonymous children on the internet that should be happy and warm in sub zero temperatures without any socks on?

Presumably your children are all wearing socks today and for good reason. Hmm

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 14:10

It's not strained unless he's pulled up on something. If I forgot to provide a hat for school and they text saying he needs a hat I would thank them for reminding me not get arsey! I sent the message to him at 7.25 and to dp closer to 9. He replied as soon as dp received message and contacted df.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 14:11

Has anyone said they're happy to stroll around in freezing weather with no socks on because that isn't what's happened here is it?

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 14:11

When my DDs have a sleepover with their cousins on DH's side, it's not his DB who looks after them but his SIL. She doesn't say to her DH, 'It's not down to me, it's your job to look after them.' There is such a thing as family, and caring that a vulnerable child that's not properly dressed for the cold.

Aridane · 26/02/2018 14:13

Not sure really what you've achieved other than coming across as a bit weird and shouty. Why not speak to Ex after work?

Also what's with the nail cutting and ear cleaning?

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 14:13

How many more times do you suggest I allow it to happen Nicknacky before he "is bothered to deal with it?".

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 26/02/2018 14:14

Well said Cherry.

Aridane · 26/02/2018 14:15

That's up to you, manic - but contacting his partner when you didn't get an immediate reply doesn't seem the way forward

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 14:15

The ears and nail thing was an example to show I don't just message over nothing as in that was fine but coming back freezing in -1 temperatures and not for the first time is not ok with me. There was nothing shouty about it

OP posts:
RadioGaGoo · 26/02/2018 14:16

Actually yes Duck. One poster said her children had been out playing around for five minutes without their socks on.

Trinity66 · 26/02/2018 14:16

So for example if df goes to the shop and leaves ds with dp she has no responsibility and could leave him to do whatever?!
A relationship is meant to be a partnership. I would seriously consider my relationship if my ds needed help with something or whatever and dp said no he's not my responsibility

Yes but dealing with DPs ex isn't her responsibility. That's the only point I was making anyway, can't speak for anyone else in here

Nicknacky · 26/02/2018 14:21

Because he's at work and maybe couldn't be bothered to deal with your message there and then. We hear it all the time on mumsnet that people don't have to reply to a message instantly. You didn't give it a chance, but also, you didn't really need a reply. You had told him the issue. You just wanted him to admit he was in the wrong and you are pissed that he didn't.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 14:22

My other concern is that the weather changes very quickly around here and roads, especially the one he brings dp back on get bad very fast and that one shuts quite often. That 30 min trip back could easily turn into a couple of hours or what happens if they got stuck or broke down?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 26/02/2018 14:22

But do you really cut nails and clean ears every day or two? Why does it need done so often?

Nicknacky · 26/02/2018 14:23

But they didn't get stuck or break down.

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 14:24

@Nicknacky no she was angry that her DS wasn't properly dressed for the cold weather, as I would be in her place. She had no confidence that her ex would take on board what she had because he hadn't in the past.

Funny how he suddenly had time to send her an angry text when she contacted his ex. Hmm

Helpimfalling · 26/02/2018 14:24

I think your sprite OP I wouldn't have minded you texting me if I was the girlfriend it would be nice you saw me as someone important and gave me some responsibility I don't think your out of line

I don't know why he's now kicking off at you has she gone mad at him if so she's silly

ProperLavs · 26/02/2018 14:24

well, if a woman was going to be taking my child abroad with his father ( I am assuming she is going?) then I would bloody well make sure they felt they had joint responsibility for his well-being-. if you ex's Gf does not feel she is responsible in any way then don't let your ds go abroad FHS.