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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
Helpimfalling · 26/02/2018 14:25

Not sprite alright

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 14:26

Radio the poster said she glad that so many Mumsnetters were happy to walk around without socks on in the cold. That simply wasn't the case PLUS the boy was IN the car!

Nicknacky · 26/02/2018 14:28

lizzie it was only 90 mins after she sent the text. He was probably busy at work and as the op says herself, she pulls him up on stuff so he probably did ignore her until she involved his partner who had zero to do with it.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 14:32

His reaction doesn't add up unless he wasn't told what I put cos there was no accusations or malice. I just consider myself to be a caring considerate person. I didn't need to let him know ds had a verucca and that it might be worth mentioning to his dp in case her kids have now got them (it could of even come from there but these things happen) but I'd hate to think that something that could be prevented hasn't been.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 26/02/2018 14:33

Definitely not unreasonable and I don't understand why so many people think you are. I would have done the same thing. If she is important enough to be in his life by living with DP and DP ignores you go for the next adult option.

And to everyone underestimating the problem with cold feet. When my DDs were little they were at my mums and she lives up on a hill that is very treacherous in the snow. It was one of those nights where it went from no snow to snow drifts in the space of an hour. I barely made it up the hill and had to abandon the car at my mums, walk back down the hill and DP met us at the bottom (where there was barely any snow at all) I was ok as I had mums walking boots, they only had their school shoes. They were sodden and frozen and it took a good couple of hours before the redness went away, they were both in a lot of pain and we had the warm bath and everything.

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 14:45

lizzie it was only 90 mins after she sent the text. He was probably busy at work and as the op says herself, she pulls him up on stuff so he probably did ignore her until she involved his partner who had zero to do with it.

Nicknacky And yet he messaged OP straight after his DP messaged him. As Qvar said, he was pissed off that OP showed his DP what an incompetent and negligent father he is.

Nicknacky · 26/02/2018 14:50

He fucked up by not putting socks on the kid before taking him in the car. Let's keep it in perspective. The poster above till her kids out in the snow to causing them hours of pain and redness but I don't see her getting called neglectful. Because we are human and we do things that we later think "whoops that was a stupid thing to do, will do or differently next time"

squarecorners · 26/02/2018 14:54

Fuck him, he can't be bothered to get his own son properly dressed, why should you give a shit if you've got him in bother with his girlfriend?
To an extent, yeah it's not her problem, but would she let her own kids leave the house like that? It's your ex being a lazy sod, and ignorant to boot. Not a drama if he messaged you back going "yeah I know, was a manic morning, missed the alarm then the cat was sick on his clean socks but I just had to get him out the door". I reiterate, fuck him. Tell him to do some basic parenting and dress his child properly then you won't have to give his girlfriend shit about it.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 14:55

The more I think about his reaction the more I think it's to do with the fact I have a way to contact his dp if needed. He is a compulsive liar and some of the things he lied about leading up to out breakup were very worrying and it almost became a habit to him and caused me a great deal of anxiety. It's almost like he's now worried the truth will start unravelling now there's been contact. I have no interest in telling her what he's like or contacting her again but to him it's probably feels like a step closer to the truth coming out

OP posts:
Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 14:57

Because we are human and we do things that we later think "whoops that was a stupid thing to do, will do or differently next time"
He has done it before though!!

OP posts:
MrsLaurac · 26/02/2018 14:57

Personally, as the other woman I wouldn't mind the message dependent on the tone it was written in send me a friendly message just asking me to remind my other half of something sure no problems send me a message in an accusation tone not ok. Especially if it was potentially going to affect my kids i.e. the varucca.

QueenDaisy · 26/02/2018 15:01

You shouldn’t have messaged her, she may not even have been up as early as your ex & son, I’m amazed you have her number, you certainly wouldn’t have mine if I was her. You’d already messaged your ex, there was no need to involve her. The next time he asks to have him overnight to save him an extra journey, you say no, as he obviously can’t be trusted to dress your son properly, as twice he’s come home without wearing relevant clothing.

RadioGaGoo · 26/02/2018 15:01

GreatDuck. The same poster also said 'and their children'. She may have been referring to the poster who said she had let her young children out in their Pj's and no socks for five minutes. So in answer to your question 'has anyone said they're happy to stroll around in freezing weather with no socks on?', yes, someone said on this thread they were happy to let their children walk around in freezing weather with no socks on.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 15:16

That wasn't even the case though so it's a comment that doesn't really matter does it. The child was in the car!

Justdontknow4321 · 26/02/2018 15:19

If forgot to put some socks on, it’s not the end of the world, he hardly needed to rush and send you a reply to your message he could of just done that once he finished work! Was hardly an emergency, and if your that unhappy with his care then stop him staying overnight!

You shouldn’t of contacted his gf, it’s nothing to do with her.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 15:20

I understand she might not have been up and wasn't asking her why my ds didn't have socks on. Was just asking if she could remind df as I've asked him more than once. When it's been summer and it's happened I've not mentioned it.
I wouldn't want to wear no socks even in nice weather as trainers tend to rub

OP posts:
Justdontknow4321 · 26/02/2018 15:23

She’s not his mum, she doesn’t have to remind him to do anything. If he can’t do it himself and your not happy with the care he gets stop the overnights.
Don’t harp on at his gf because he hasn’t replied within an hr and a half! While at work. I’m sure she has enough things to remember with having 3 kids of her own!

RadioGaGoo · 26/02/2018 15:30

GreatDuck. If it didnt matter, I wonder why you mentioned it.

RadioGaGoo · 26/02/2018 15:31

Anyway, as I said, that poster could have been referring to another poster, not the OP.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 15:33

I mentioned it because it wasn't really relevant so couldn't be compared to the OP's sons situation!

BrendasUmbrella · 26/02/2018 15:34

Don't press his gf into a care role just because she's a woman.It's your ex who needs to do better.

You need to reconsider the current arrangements though. Contact is for your DS, not for his father. If contact is not meeting his needs which it sounds it is bloody not, stop the contact. If there's no court order, just stop it. If there is, go back to court with your concerns.

RadioGaGoo · 26/02/2018 15:35

Not to the OP's situation no, but to another post it could be.

catkind · 26/02/2018 15:46

Well it kind of worked - it got his attention. So I think apologise but still YANBU.

mollied · 26/02/2018 15:54

I don't see the problem with writing to his dp if she is a mother herself then she should know that your boy should have had socks on, if she chooses to be with your ex that means taking on his child as well.

NordicNobody · 26/02/2018 15:55

Everything BrendaUmbrella said!

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