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AIBU?

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Original poster

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 12:31

Maybe I've done the wrong thing for the right reason. In hindsight I should of left it longer but I was upset for my son. I know how much it can hurt. I absolutely don't expect her to take over the care of ds but at least if she wasn't aware she is now. And if all that happens is they mock me and say best get some socks on him cos of manicmumday then at least he will be warm. I don't expect him to get special treatment, just basic care and love. Df doesn't have to do any other basic parenting like washing, cooking, homework etc so it's not a big ask to provide him with socks at -1!

OP posts:
Ljlsmum · 26/02/2018 12:32

Don’t message her but if he doesn’t reply then post it again to him. If your sons feet are hurting and cold then he needs to put socks on him. Your son will get chilblains and everyone saying but he was in the car- yes but the car won’t be warm straight away and it’s making his sons feet hurt. I’d be annoyed too OP. Just keep on at the dad. Sounds like a useless lump if he can’t figure out February weather isn’t the time to go sockless.

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 12:33

I don't agree that the ex's DP has zero responsibility. It's mainly the dad's responsibility of course. But when my DSis's DSS was growing up, she was his primary carer for some years.

And when we've had my DH's nephews or nieces with us, I've had more to do with their care than my DH has. And when my niece or nephew has been to stay, my DH has done things with them. It's called being a family. I don't think of his DNs as his family not mine.

Or is it the case that it's only when a couple gets married that they have any role to play in their partner's DCs' lives? You get slated on MN if you suggest that an unmarried partner isn't a stepparent.

It does depend on how long they've been together of course.

HisBetterHalf · 26/02/2018 12:33

Dont see why everyone is saying the exDP DP shouldnt be contacted. If partner minding son at her house and exDP not responding. Why have they both made such a big deal about it? Did you word it ok, or in a ranty way? If ok then why couldnt either just respond, yes ok will try not to forget. Whats the big deal?

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 12:39

He's a petty fucker, keeping the clothes you send with him.

And it was freezing this morning, I was shivering in my car in coat, socks, boots and gloves. It's the cold before a snow.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 12:39

I was so careful how I worded it and sent it to my dp for him to check it sounded ok first as never had to do this before. I explained why I was contacting her and apologised and said it's not the first time hes come back freezing but there's only so many times I can tell him. I thanked her too. Didn't ask her to dress or provide for my son

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/02/2018 12:42

You say he's done similar things lots of times before. Are you concerned about sending a 5 year old to him?
Some 5 year olds can be very young Realistically how can you improve the situation? Work around ExP's failings. What can you do to bombproof it so that its more comfortable for DS who is the most important person in this scenario.
I'd start with a packing list in his bag, which can be ticked off. Also train DS to lay out his things the night before, head to shoes inc socks. Train him to do suncream. Remind him in a nice kind way, because none of this is his fault, that he has to ask dad the night before to help him get properly dressed in the morning before leaving. Make sure he tells dad how cold and painful his feet were.
The biggest concern is not the socks but his refusal to answer your messages.
I'd be making a list of these things and tell him calmly that you are considering whether he can be trusted to take DS away on holiday age 5 if he ignores your messages, doesn't make sure DS is comfortable and properly dressed for the cold, and reacts so angrily when you try to contact him.

GnotherGnu · 26/02/2018 12:45

Confused about all these people who think that a car that has been standing all night in -8 degree temperatures is instantly warm as soon as anyone gets into it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/02/2018 12:45

Also. He has no right to be "LIVID" that is a complete over reaction to the fact that you had no means of communicating with him about DS because he was ignoring you.. He needs to work with you to maintain a civil communication for DS's sake. You can't send him to a LIVID person. I'd be talking to whoever decided he could have the child at the weekends.

Dustysparrow · 26/02/2018 12:47

If he bothered to respond to your messages, or actually did as you asked when you mentioned it previously, you wouldn't have felt you needed to involve his partner.

His fault!!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/02/2018 12:48

Sorry. Another add on. A picture says a 1000 words, I'd be sending him a pic of the poor child's cold purple feet. Keep records for your own peace of mind.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 12:48

A lot of the things don't apply now he's older but things like not fastening his car seat in properly when he was a baby and washing his bottles in cold water and no soap. I figured things would get better as my son got more independent. Luckily he's very independent for his age and enjoys doing things for himself but if he's not provided with things to put on then he can't.

It could just be so easy! He doesn't have to do school runs etc and weekend's are generally the relaxed time so putting some socks out last night for him or even asking him to get some out himself ready for today wouldn't of put anyone out!

OP posts:
Idontdowindows · 26/02/2018 12:49

Very sad to see so many women falling all over themselves to defend an arsehole who neglects his own small child to the point of causing physical damage.

Actually I see a lot of women defending the WOMAN that is being expected to pick up this arsehole male's slack in parenting.

Talith · 26/02/2018 12:50

Just re. whether ears need cleaning at all and that they're self-cleaning. I'd say definitely they can need washing! I presumed OP meant external parts. My eldest gets waxy ears which can show in the external parts and requires wiping with the corner or a flannel and, let's not forget grime collects behind ears if not washed, and its the sort of thing which can get forgotten if you're just wiping face and bum. Not the most important part of the discussion I know!

Idontdowindows · 26/02/2018 12:51

My partner's ex and I are on very good terms (even go on holiday together), but if she'd ever messaged me about a parenting issue with my partner I'd have firstly told her "take it up with him" and then told him to sort his shit out with is ex and to make sure I wasn't contacted about any of that in the future.

This really is not your ex's partner's problem. You have a problem with your ex, not with her. Don't involve her, she will not be choosing your side in any issue.

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 12:52

No, its probably the Ex's gf's responsability to do that

Stop projecting your own shit to OP upsideup

Cailleach1 · 26/02/2018 12:53

Did someone ask why the op didn't provide enough clothes for her child to bring to his father's house?

Shouldn't the father be providing the stuff at his place? Make sure his child has clothing for every exigency.

Karigan1 · 26/02/2018 12:53

*I really wouldn't usually involve her but it's just basic care and not the first time! My ds was just told to get his shoes on and to hurry up. If there's no time to put socks on then he needs to bring him back the night before I guess’

There is your answer. No more overnight in those circumstances until you get confirmation he will ensure the kid has socks and is warm enough.

namechange2222 · 26/02/2018 12:53

I was in my car this morning with socks and boots on. My feet were bloody freezing on the fifteen minute journey. They didn't warm up at all. It's so bitterly cold right now and there's no excuse in the world where a care giver doesn't ensure a five year old child has warm clothing on including coat and hat but wtf is he thinking of not ensuring his son had socks on?
I'm imagining you messaged the girlfriend as you're so frustrated with your son's father not taking his responsibility seriously and didnt know what else to do. Maybe not the most sensible thing to do as if this was the other way round I'm sure your ex wouldn't message a partner of yours is there was an aspect of your childcare he was unhappy about. Saying that, completely understand your frustration

FluffyWuffy100 · 26/02/2018 12:56

So he was in a car, with shoes on?

Not ideal but he was hardly being made to tramp through snow bare foot!

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 12:57

idontdowindows

Actually I see a lot of women defending the WOMAN that is being expected to pick up this arsehole male's slack in parenting.

Really? Can you provide some example posts?

C0untDucku1a · 26/02/2018 12:58

He is mad because you pointed out his neglect to his partner.

I really, really do not udnerstand the people on this thread saying feet wouldnt have been that cold in the car. Today. At 7am. When it was still freezing when i drove my children to school at 8.30. It is freezing. People need socks on. And gloves. Children especially. Those that cant understand why, go out tomorrow at 7am in your sandals and see how warm you are. My children are properly dressed and have blankets in the car because cars can take a while to warm up.

Karigan1 · 26/02/2018 12:58

Anyway for all those saying it’s nothing to do with her I say bollocks. She’s auditioning for role of step mum whether that’s acknowledged yet or not and is a parent in the household with the child. She too therefore has responsibility to ensure that the kid is cared for.

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 12:59

I.e posts where people expect ex's DP to pick up ex's slack?

Alienspaceship · 26/02/2018 12:59

I'd message back

THEN FUCKING REPLY WHEN I CONTACT YOU ABOUT OUR CHILD'S WELFARE!!!!!

This.