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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 16:04

I'm not trying to press anyone into a caring role and it's nothing to do with her being a woman. If he lived with his db and continued to ignore my requests to provide for ds properly then I would of messaged him. I'm not asking her to take on his role, just to remind him as me asking him previously hasn't sunk in and my son's feet were hurting him. It also gives df the message that it's not ok and I won't sit back and let it happen. Whatever they do in their house is up to them but I shouldn't have to be comforting ds and warming his feet up within 2 mins of him being back in my care. They were back 20 mins early so my house hadn't had long to warm up for him either

OP posts:
CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 16:07

I think people are also forgetting that OP and ex's DP are on good terms, to the extent that OP invited ex's DP to DS's birthday party.

Asking ex's DP to have a word with ex about socks is not putting her in to a care role. OP did not ask the DP to ensure DS wore socks.

Also, OP felt the DP was directly affected, as her family could all get verrucas from DS and ex clearly didn't give a shit.

Charley50 · 26/02/2018 16:07

Only read about half the thread but I don't see the problem with what you did. I think it more as shaming him into being a better dad, then asking her to take responsibility.
I wouldn't have a problem with my DP's ex contacting me about that.

Charley50 · 26/02/2018 16:14

My exes wife was more than happy for me to text her about homework that needed doing etc. She actually would ask me. (Ex not being a 'book learning' type of person)

About a million times preferable than the situation with my DPs ex; who would go NC for a few months if he as much as suggested ME meeting his DD in a text to her!!!

Justdontknow4321 · 26/02/2018 16:19

Cherry - clearly not on that good of terms if he’s ignoring her messages

alpineibex · 26/02/2018 16:25

wouldn't say the ex's partner is auditioning for the role of step mum - I'd say OP's ex is auditioning for the role of step dad and OP contacting the woman giving the audition has thrown a spanner in the works, as it's now obvious that Op's ex is a useless shit and doesn't give a fuck as long as nobody's watching.
Grin

ClaryFray · 26/02/2018 16:33

I'd message back and say, then reply when I talk to you about our child's welfare. Then I won't need to contact her. Or if it's too much for you to get him ready to the correct standard in the morning then drop him home the night before.

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 16:33

Justdontknow

I said OP is on good terms with ex's DP not ex.

I suspect you haven't read the rest of the thread properly either.

Prettylovely · 26/02/2018 16:36

She doesnt have a duty of care to your son.
I dont think you should have messaged her and brought her into your dispute with your ex its not fair.

macbethh · 26/02/2018 16:39

YABU to have messaged his partner however you were YANBU to ask him about the socks

Justdontknow4321 · 26/02/2018 16:41

Cherry - you only have the op saying there on good terms, maybe the ex dp wouldn’t give the same answer considering she didn’t reply but messaged her dp straight away.

I have, thanks.

CherryMaDeary · 26/02/2018 16:56

Cherry - you only have the op saying there on good terms, maybe the ex dp wouldn’t give the same answer considering she didn’t reply but messaged her dp straight away.

Maybe she was too embarrassed by her DP's laziness and lack of care to reply to OP?

And why wouldn't we believe OP if she says she is on good terms with her?

alpineibex · 26/02/2018 17:04

When does this woman acquire responsibility then? When married only?

Really, that's not how it works for most families in real life. You don't just start caring about them when it becomes a legal responsibility, surely?

alpineibex · 26/02/2018 17:05

If you enter a relationship with someone with a child, you are then part of that child's life whether you like it or not tbh.

alpineibex · 26/02/2018 17:06

And I don't necessarily think she's responsible but she should care, and should care that her DP doesn't do his job properly. Why get with someone who has a kid if you have no intention of taking on a single part of the caring role to their existing children? Makes no sense to me. Hmm

Trinity66 · 26/02/2018 17:07

If you enter a relationship with someone with a child, you are then part of that child's life whether you like it or not tbh.

Of course but it doesn't mean you have to deal with your DPs ex

HisBetterHalf · 26/02/2018 17:11

If a step parent meets their partners DC they do have a duty of care for gods sake if they are involved with having the children in their home.

alpineibex · 26/02/2018 17:14

So if the DP has done this before, and doesn't seem to be taking anything on board, I don't see why you wouldn't ask the other adult in the home to remind him. Confused as you say, "they do have a duty of care"

alpineibex · 26/02/2018 17:14

Sorry I'm confusing two posters!!! GrinBlush

lookingforaline18 · 26/02/2018 17:15

I understand that stepparents have a duty of care, but he got his child ready and took him to your house. She may have been busy herself with 3 children or she might have been in bed.

She isn't his supervisor.

alpineibex · 26/02/2018 17:16

If DPs ex messaged me telling me something like that, I'd be on her side. And if DP wasn't happy about it, he shouldn't keep doing it .

alpineibex · 26/02/2018 17:16

I'm not saying she has to put the socks on him or make sure he has them on, just talk to DP. Of he doesn't listen to his ex, maybe he will listen to his current partner...

HoHoHoHo · 26/02/2018 17:17

I care about dps children and will obviously take care of them. However, they are not my children therefore I am not responsible for their welfare. I certainly would not check they were wearing socks if dp had got them ready (although would say something if they noticed).

I would not be happy about receiving texts from dps ex if she was unhappy with something dp had done. Just as I wouldn't text her to question her parenting decisions.

Trinity66 · 26/02/2018 17:17

So if the DP has done this before, and doesn't seem to be taking anything on board, I don't see why you wouldn't ask the other adult in the home to remind him. confused as you say, "they do have a duty of care"

I just understand why the new partner would be reluctant to want to get involved in some sort of dispute with her DP and his ex, that doesn't mean she feels no responsibility for the child when he's in her house, it means she's being sensible and staying out of their arguments

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 17:22

I think the ex was pissed off because he was in work being messaged about something that could wait ( it wasn't life or death ) and because he didn't reply immediately his new partner was messaged.

How did you get in touch with her? Sorry if you've said.