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AIBU?

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Original poster

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
lookingforaline18 · 26/02/2018 19:55

I think if I received a text message like this, even dressed up as a polite one, I would feel like you are ordering me about and it would get my back up a bit. I think that's the crux of it really.

Nicknacky · 26/02/2018 19:57

So are you bothered about the breakfast and drink now?

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 20:04

They won't do a sensitivity test at this age when it's not affecting him everyday, just when not dressed properly. The dr would just say he needs thick socks and not to be taken out into a cold car and to have a warm drink.
Why would you be embarrassed by and for me for not wanting my son to come back in freezing temperatures not dressed appropriately.
As stared earlier it has absolutely nothing to do with her being a woman and I would absolutely say something if he was gay. The adult who should oversee basic needs failed to so I asked the other adult who was there to remind him as he didn't listen last time.
He should have socks on with a verucca anyway as it could now spread to another part of his foot or someone else

OP posts:
Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 20:05

No just explaining why it may have taken him longer to warm up

OP posts:
Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 20:06

Explaining that ds feet are freezing and please could he make sure he's wearing socks in future is not an order

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 20:07

I really don't get why posters are giving the OP so much grief about this. Her DS wasn't looked after properly, no breakfast or drink and not dressed. Then no socks on for the journey and his feet were frozen. The OP was understandably upset, got no answer from her ex so contacted his GF instead. Now her ex has taken it out on her by not calling his DS to find out how his after school sports went.

And you're all attacking her for contacting the GF. The OP was upset, we all make the wrong call sometimes. Just go easy on her. Hmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/02/2018 20:16

No need for dramatics Lizzie. The boy had to leave his dad's house at 6.40, so I'm guessing he's just got up. It wasn't a big deal he'd not eaten breakfast or had a drink surely? He was going straight home to his mums!
Also not agreeing with a poster is not attacking her.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 20:17

Thank you Lizzie.
Sometimes when you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall when all you want for your ds is for him to be comfortabe you do things you wouldn't normally because he doesn't take the easy option. I don't want to take the no overnight contact route as it isn't fair on ds or dp .. just want ds to have basic needs met. Df has another dc he's not seen in almost a year because of various requests being ignored and the dm not being reasonable enough to sort it amicably.
I've asked him before to make sure he has socks on especially if leaving at 6.40am and it's fallen on deaf ears

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 26/02/2018 20:21

BECause he doesnt give a shit. Is the other child he doesnt see older than yours?

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 20:23

Yes, 8

OP posts:
C0untDucku1a · 26/02/2018 20:29

WHAT was he like with that child when you were together? What was the relationship with the morher like when you were together?

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 20:29

Obviously it's the dad who is the one who doesn't care enough, the OP knows that. She made a mistake in contacting the GF, but I think it was for genuine reasons. The question is, where to go from here.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 20:37

I don't dispute that he loves his kids, he just has different ideas about priorities and needs. I did nearly everything for his other dc carewise when here as was happy to so guess I didn't see what he was like in that aspect. A few things didn't seem right but just put it down to people having different ways and she wasn't cold or whatever cos I saw to it that she wasn't. I had to buy her an outfit when met them in town once cos he had put her in tights thinking they were like trousers so no dress or skirt over and you could see her knickers through them.

The mother caused problems if you coughed in the wrong way. She stopped us from seeing his dd for weeks cos we wouldn't tell her the sex of my child when I was pregnant until our families knew!

OP posts:
Beckyd1 · 26/02/2018 22:17

Seems like ur being put between a rock and hard place. If u continue to let ur son go out with no socks on to the point where his feet are hurting when warming up you would be a terrible mother. But because uv contacted both of the responsible adults your still a terrible mother. Ur son was put in a shit situation which caused him harm - maybe not serious but where do we draw the line at acceptable and serious? Surely if hes hurt then hes hurt right? The woman has allowed this child to come into her home as a guest has accepted his father as her partner so surely is expecting to be partly reaponsible for the care of your aon. If partner was called into work and ur son fell and cracked his head open would she leave him until dad come home? Hopefully not. Surely she treats all the children as equal her own 3 and urs? Would she allow her children to go out in freezing temperatures with nothing on there feet? Or does ur son know its just a fact he is different and can be neglected just a littlw bit because she didnt birth him...? And as for daddy getting on his high horse coz u text the girlfriend. Get to fuck!!!! U cant reply when i tell u that ur sons in pain because ur stupid arse self took him out not properly dressed but u jump on the phone when that woman cries about being sent a message to do with a child she agreed to spending the weekend with.

My solution to all this would be. Okay no more sleep oversor early morning drop offs until you can look after MY child properly.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 22:30

It is difficult to know where to draw the line but pain is pain and it could easily off been avoided. The temperature here now is the same as it was when he brought him back this morning and I have heating and big dressing gown on plus thick socks! I wouldn't even walk round the house with no socks on

OP posts:
Beckyd1 · 26/02/2018 22:35

Exactly. So dont even worry. The fact he let ur son go out not properly dressed os the issue. Anything else that he has mentioned will mentioned or anyone else mentions dont even rise to it just answer with his fert are still sore. Bastards

CurlyRover · 26/02/2018 22:38

Good grief OP no wonder he was pissed off and he has every right to be.

Of course he's not going to prioritise you over his DP and work. Yes your message was important but at the end of the day if he's now not going to see his DS for almost two weeks, it really doesn't require an instant reply. Also just because it says he was online it doesn't mean he actually does. DP often shows up as online and there are times I know for a fact he's definitely not and doesn't even have his phone or laptop on him.

1.5 hours to allow him to reply before messaging his DP really isn't that long. If he has a work van for all you know he could have been driving at the time you text and therefore it wasn't safe for him to reply, or he could have been busy or he could have just genuinely felt it wasn't urgent.

For you it seems urgent as you were there with your son but for him it's not urgent as he won't see him for at least a few days.

Also with regards to his partner. Yes she's partly responsible for your DS when she's around (for all you know she may have been asleep when they left). But being responsible does not extend to messages from the ex. It's really difficult being a stepmum and boundaries are so important for everyone's sake.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 22:50

He should be pissed off ... at himself for allowing his ds to suffer again! It's common sense to provide socks for a 5 year old especially in this weather. I don't want to be priority, I want my ds to be. He wasn't too busy or driving to have a go at me and there was no concern for ds. If it was the first time it happened I wouldn't of messaged. If I waited til his next weekend he'd say why you bringing it up now after all this time?
I didn't ask her to provide for ds or help get him ready. It's also the first time I've contacted her

OP posts:
CurlyRover · 26/02/2018 22:56

You're absolutely right that he should be pissed off for allowing his DS to suffer but he's also entitled to feel pissed off for how you handled it.

It doesn't mean he's not prioritising his DS just because he doesn't respond instantly.

You really don't get it do you? It's not about whether you asked her to provide for him or help him get ready. You still shouldn't have messaged her. I do provide for my DSD and I do help her get ready but I'd still be pissed off if her Mum messaged me as that's crossing the boundary.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 23:10

He's not prioritising his son by continuously not dressing him appropriately or her kids by not safeguarding them against verucca's!
When he usually replies pretty much straight away it suggested he didn't feel it mattered that his ds was hurting when it could of been easily prevented!

OP posts:
CurlyRover · 26/02/2018 23:20

You're confusing two different issues here though

He's not prioritising his son by not dressing him properly. You're absolutely right. But not replying quickly when he is in work doesn't necessarily mean it's because he doesn't feel it's important. Sometimes someone prompting me about something reminds me I have not had chance to reply but it doesn't mean that thing wasn't important to me it just means I've been busy.

We can't all reply instantaneously at all times. I think we live in a world of instant gratification and it means we don't always respect that sometimes people are just busy and it doesn't always have to mean anything.

Anyway we don't know him, we can only go off what you say and it may just he that he's a total inconsiderate arsehole.

Even if for nothing else, give yourself a break and 1) don't message his partner again - if he's going to be livid and respond in the way he did then even if only just for your own sanity, you're better off not doing it and 2) stop expecting him to change as you're just going to end up disappointing yourself and feeling more frustrated.

If you're genuinely concerned about your son's welfare perhaps it'd be good to rethink contact arrangements and have a discussion with him?

alpineibex · 27/02/2018 00:08

Just as I wouldn't text her to question her parenting decisions.

Of course you wouldn't, because assumedly you wouldn't have anything to do with your exDPs GFs kids. It's hardly like they would be staying at your house. I think it's different when your child is staying in the same house as them personally, but hey ho.

TwoShades1 · 27/02/2018 01:41

I’m not sure about the situation. I don’t think it’s really anything to do with the stepmum unless she is insole charge of ur ds (ie his dad is out). I think I would need more details make a fair judgement. Does your ds have socks at their house? Is he good in mornings (or does he mess around/not want to get up)? Is this a regular occurace or a one off incident? How did his feet get that cold on a 20min car ride, seems excessive. Does your ds not just put on socks of his own accord? My step kids (7 & 9) kinda have the gist of the weather. In winter they know it’s cold so wear jumpers/socks/etc without prompting.

Original poster
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 08:07

It's not the first time it's happened. I'm unsure of whether he has things there but a lot of things he's gone in haven't come back so he must have some things. He's very good at getting ready if the things are provided. The thing is he's sharing a room with dp 2ds so he might of had to get up without waking them so couldn't get any. It doesn't take much to put some out the night before though especially given the weather warnings we've been having. The car wouldn't of been warmed up and his feet don't reach the footwell where the blowers are.

OP posts:
CherryMaDeary · 27/02/2018 08:12

GreatDuck

No need for dramatics Lizzie. The boy had to leave his dad's house at 6.40, so I'm guessing he's just got up. It wasn't a big deal he'd not eaten breakfast or had a drink surely? He was going straight home to his mums!
Also not agreeing with a poster is not attacking her.

How was Lizzie dramatic? Hmm

Why is it the mum's responsibility to give DS breakfast? If dad wanted DS overnight, then it's responsibility to feed DS.