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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To message his girlfriend about socks?

400 replies

AnothermanicMumday · 26/02/2018 09:59

My ds (5) goes to his dad's every other weekend and usually comes back on the Sunday evening. He's moved in with his dp 30 mins drive away but still works locally to me so occasionally he asks if he can drop him off on the way to work which I've said is fine if not too early for ds.
This morning he turns up at 7.10 am (so ds probably had to leave by 6.40am). Ds is in his pjs, baseball cap, trainers, no gloves or socks. His feet were absolutely freezing and when they started warming up they were really hurting. At the time he was dropped off the temperature was -1 but realfeel temp was -4. Not long after it began to snow.
I warmed ds up, got him hot drink and thick socks etc then messaged his df asking him to please make sure ds has socks on especially in this weather. It's not the first time I've mentioned it to him. He read and ignored my message but was online.
I sent a very polite message to his dp explaining what had happened again, apologised for messaging her and although it's not down to her there's only so many times I can talk to him about it so could she please remind him to provide socks for ds. The other point was ds has a verucca which I told his df about and it should be covered up especially since she has 3dc.
He messaged me saying he is LIVID I messaged his dp and don't do it again and if I have a problem then to contact him. He only seemed concerned that I'd contacted her and not that his ds feet were freezing and painful. He then started throwing out anything to try and get back at me for my polite request. I ignore the fact that he doesn't clean his ears or cut his nails etc as he's usually only there for a couple of days but I felt I couldn't ignore this.
Was I wrong to message his dp due to him making same mistake again?

OP posts:
DeathStare · 27/02/2018 08:38

I.e posts where people expect ex's DP to pick up ex's slack?

Cherry MaDeary By contacting the ex's DP the OP was putting her in one of two roles. Either she was putting her in the role of being equally responsible for parenting the ex's child (and the DP ISN'T equally responsible for this, or she is putting the DP in the role of being the wife/female partner who makes sure that the male partner does his tasks correctly.

Either of those is asking the DP to pick up the ex's slack - either by sharing his parenting role, or by being responsible for checking he completes his jobs properly.

Anyone who said yes contact the DP was therefore expecting the DP to pick up the ex's slack.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 09:11

Cherry they left at 6.40 to arrive at the OP's at 7.10. So I'm guessing he would have got up around 6 to 6.15am. Who want to breakfast at that time when there's enough time to eat when he gets home?

rothbury · 27/02/2018 09:19

YANBU for being pissed off at XP re DS not being adequately dressed.

How did you have contact details for the GF? Did you have her mobile and texted her or did you look her up on FB and message her or similar? You say you think EX was surprised you had a means of contacting his GF so I am wondering how this happened.

YABU, as I think you might secretly accept now, for contacting the GF. I wouldn't dream of contacting XH new wife about care for DC unless we already had a good friendly relationship, which you clearly don't.

Asking her to remind him when you have already messaged him looks like shit stirring/dragging her into it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 09:22

I've asked numerous times how the OP contacted the GF but have been ignored. I would like to know this too.

Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 09:29

The breakfast part isn't the issue, I doubt the DS would want anything at that time of the morning. The bone of contention is the fact that he wasn't wearing socks and his feet were freezing.

It wasn't the best idea to contact the GF, but the OP had run out of patience and contacted the other adult in the house.

The ex's reaction was ridiculously OTT, though, I think it may have been because the GF had a go at him for not telling her about the verrucas. She wouldn't have been happy hearing it from her partner's ex and not from her partner himself. (We don't know he didn't tell her, but it's a reasonable surmise, I think.)

iBiscuit · 27/02/2018 09:33

YANBU.

Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 09:37

@GreatDuckCookery the OP might have had the number from the time when she invited them both to the DS's birthday party. But there are all sorts of reasons why she might previously have needed her number, for example if her ex lost his phone, as so many people don't have landlines. Or it might have been written down in case of need.

It's even possible that the OP no longer remembers when she first got the GF's number. I have a lot of numbers saved in my phone, and I certainly don't remember when I first saved them. A lot of people, myself included, never change our mobile numbers.

I think she'll change it now, though. Grin

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 09:38

I don't think there's many that would disagree that no socks was a bad idea. The ex imo was annoyed because he was contacted at work and because he didn't reply immediately his partner was then contacted.

A phone call in the evening would have been a wiser alternative instead of a texting in a fit of anger.

BuzzyBumbleBees · 27/02/2018 09:45

I don't see the issue personally. In that position I think I'd respond along the lines of "no worries, I'll speak to him tonight" 🤷‍♀️

Some people are so over-dramatic.

BuzzyBumbleBees · 27/02/2018 09:45

The some people was meant at the ex not any pp

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 09:49

Maybe you're right who knows Lizzie, I just found it odd that the OP had her number and that the OP chose to ignore people who'd asked her how she had it.

Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 10:00

My DSis used to be Facebook friends with her DH's ex, I guess that's why I don't see it as a big issue that the OP has her mobile number. Maybe I'll ask her sometime if the ex has ever contacted her to complain about anything, and how she felt about it. I know the ex complained quite a few times about things concerning her DS, but I don't know whether she ever contacted my DSis directly.

I know they had a reasonable co-parenting relationship, but that was probably because my DSis had the primary caring role for her DSS for a few years. (He's 20 now and in the army with his own DS, so all that's in the past now.)

Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 10:03

Actually the OP might have contacted the GF via Facebook Messenger, you don't need the mobile number to do that. So it's possible she doesn't have it.

Contacting people is so much easier now, as is blocking them.

iBiscuit · 27/02/2018 10:11

DP's ex and I are not really friends, but have once or twice messaged each other about their DD, when we don't think DP will really grasp something. She's a young adult, before anyone criticises his parenting abilities, and we've done it because we both care (albeit in different ways - I'm more an auntie figure than a stepmum).

Nothing weird about it at all.

usernamealreadytaken · 27/02/2018 10:30

So here's a radical idea OP - next time you are worried about DS not getting socks/gloves/hat/clean ears/etc, why don't you text your ex and remind him, rather than expecting his DP to do it for you? Cuts out the middle (wo)man, means that you and ex are being the responsible adults, and if still no socks then you can beef with him direct, rather than then being cross with DP because she forgot to remind him!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 10:47

Ibiscuit the OP has already messaged her ex, she didn't need to message the gf so soon after just because he's not replied. This was a ticking off however it was dressed up as a "polite" message.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 10:48

Had not has

AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 12:34

I messaged her on fb. Had had previous contact on there as df was having ds for a few days in holidays lasy year and so me and my dp decided to go away. He then text me whilst I was in Spain to say he couldn't have ds on the day we were flying back (he told me this the day before) so his dp was having ds but I had to go as soon as we landed (7am) to pick ds up. It was merely arrangements for picking ds up though as hadn't been given an address

OP posts:
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 12:39

It wasn't a ticking off. He had been asked to put socks on him before and clearly hadn't listened.

Anyway after not phoning his ds last night to see how football went as he usually does he's text this morning and asked how ds was today and let me know he's paid the money in he owed me so think he must of realised why I did what I did and that it wasn't a nasty message

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 27/02/2018 12:44

Or else he's put it behind him now and is focusing on being a dad now. Which is positive.

AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 12:46

Thing is I text and remind him of things (important dates etc) and he forgets anyway! He forgot to book later start for ds first day at school so missed it and walked in as nativity play started

OP posts:
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 12:46

Hope so!

OP posts:
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 14:09

Not wearing socks when temp is below -1 and the car is freezing causing my son to be in pain is an issue

OP posts:
AnothermanicMumday · 27/02/2018 14:12

Sorry last message was a reply to a response that came up in my notifications that must of been an old one and just come through

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/02/2018 14:12

Did you mean to write that last post OP? Grin