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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When you're collecting your child from an after school playdate do you do this?

165 replies

AjasLipstick · 26/02/2018 08:17

STAY TOO LONG?

Seriously. DD aged 9's friend came over this evening (we're in Australia) for an after school play.

Her Mum had said she'd come to collect at 5.30.

great.

As usual, she arrived with her husband and their other three kids.

They stayed "chatting" to me for AN HOUR! On a school night when I have been working all day....I work from home. I stop work to pick kids up and then usually need to continue after bedtime.

WHY!? For the love of God!?

OP posts:

Sennelier1 · 27/02/2018 18:56

Unless I had agreed with the parents to have the after-school-play-friend for dinner, I tended to answer the door wearing an apron and maybe some kitchen-apparel, like a ladle or a meatfork. Hi there, you come to pick up your child, how nice to see you, now if you'll excuse me, I have to baste my roast, bye now!

dtpitman1 · 27/02/2018 18:59

Lived in Australia for 14 years; they’re very laid back there and would have expected you to say “ok guys, chucking out time!”
We had both varieties of parents, ones that dithered and ones that stayed for dinner!
Aussies are plain speakers and would have thought nothing of you cheerfully indicating to your child; “any homework? Get into the shower now while I see your friends off, say goodbye now...”
Same rule for bogans to middle uppers...
Good luck! :D x

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/02/2018 19:03

Feel some sympathy for those of us who can't understand the "between the lines" stuff of conversation and say something clear like "I'd love to talk but I'm afraid I have things I need to do tonight". If someone responds when I chat, I assume they're enjoying chatting.

It took me years to understand that "well, I mustn't keep you, you must be busy" actually means "just GO!"

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/02/2018 19:09

Answering the door brandishing a meat fork is an extreme measure.

MadRainbow · 27/02/2018 19:11

Not RTFT OP but I find loneliness a big factor in chats such as these; I like to talk to people especially about topics I'm fairly certain are mutually exclusive and our children playing would be one of them. The things you have listed about the children playing also wouldn't bother me one not unless it was crossing over into dinnertime/wind down.

However I am a SAHM and I realise my lifestyle is not to everyone's liking, add to that my Autism and I admit I am perhaps a bit overeager to try to make friends...

I also wouldn't take my husband and other DC to a pick up situation unless going on elsewhere so I do find that confusing.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/02/2018 19:25

No matter how busy or tired I might be, I will always welcome a friendly face

Then you're less busy and tired than other people?

The 'too busy brigaders' reap what they sow in the end

Slap a 'brigade' on it and your point is lost in sounding judgemental and juvenile.

People who proclaim their busyness as a barrier to being friendly, are indeed a tiresome entity

Not at all judgmental are you?

In fact, almost all of your posts, in-between proclaiming how warm and welcoming and famously lovely you are, sound slightly mean and intolerant of people who do things differently to you.

I work from home very often and frequently can't chat. If I can, I do. I suspect most people do what they can to be friendly within their own comfort/work/family zones.

SingingSands · 27/02/2018 19:39

Dd once had a classmate home for tea, lovely little girl. Her mum was also her’s and DD’s teacher! I was quite certain that this would be the swiftest/most awkward pick up ever.

But no. Teacher mum arrived at 6.30pm. And stayed chatting on the sofa until 9pm. 9pm and it was midweek too!

To make things worse, it was my birthday and all I wanted was to drink my beer and have a slice of birthday cake. We must have offered tea/coffee 10 times whilst she was here, she didn’t even take her coat off. And the talk was just all about the upcoming SATS. I was exhausted when she finally left!

donthaveascooby · 27/02/2018 19:47

Try this approach op

Chuck2000 · 27/02/2018 19:58

Hiiiiiiiii,

It sounds like you are nice, they like you, you are welcoming. Maybe they feel rude just grabbing their child and leaving too? Maybe they think, crikey, how can we just collect as bad go?

Maybe try a bad imagine the same situation from their perspective and see if you can figure out the best action to take and then be honest, explain you work from home and have stuff to crack on with, apologise if cutting chat short. Good luck. Xx

GreenTulips · 27/02/2018 19:58

but I find loneliness a big factor in chats such as these

Mum had hubby and other kids .... certainly not loneliness

applesareredandgreen · 27/02/2018 20:13

Oh dear - I think I was ‘that’ mom .

Not bored or lonely - I just enjoy talking

Thequeenisdeadboys · 27/02/2018 20:16

I think in answer to 'why'..they prob are just sociable friendly types and assumed (wrongly) that you might be too. Rather than moan now ..maybe you could have mentioned how busy you were and suggested another time to catch up. I would have embraced it, thought sod it and cracked open some wine..school night or not !

isittooearlyforgin · 27/02/2018 20:24

I'm with you OP. What I can't abide is post party. I've just had 10 children in my house for 5 hours, I'm exhausted. Please pick your children up and go already! If you want to chat, chat when I see you at school pick up and drop offs. If you're not willing to chat then, please leave me to my nervous break down now!

Phineyj · 27/02/2018 20:27

The thing I don't get is how people can just ignore body language of others. After a few minutes it's normally quite obvious if people actually want you to stay or not (and if they say 'do come in for a coffee' but don't mean it, that's on them really, isn't ?)

I have to assume that people who do this are either oblivious (and I don't really want to be friends with someone who doesn't notice non verbal language) or don't care.

It is quite important to try to judge it right or your DC may not be invited back...different groups of people have different social norms. I have offended my very friendly MIL a few times by not being available to chat but she hasn't worked since about 1965 and simply has no clue that people in professional jobs often have to work in the evening/weekends (have to not choose to). She also has no concept that other people don't have their fridge, freezer and cupboards stuffed with delicious food that only needs whipping out if unexpected visitors pop round or stay ages.

OP, it is quite evident that this person wanted to use your well-stocked playroom!

Strokethefurrywall · 27/02/2018 20:37

Anyone who uses "Diddums" when addressing someone else loses the right to complain that people are being mean to them.

This. That post was like "who's the busiest" top trumps.

But this thread is why I don't have kids around for play dates, and remain hugely grateful I live on a small island where the kids see each other all. the. time.

No need to have kids (other than those you actually like) into the house at any one time which means no need to get cornered by parents you may or may not have any interest in getting to know.

MadMags · 27/02/2018 20:58

I'm sorry I was short with you in my reply, but frankly, you really hurt my feelings.

Sorry but if you don’t want your feelings hurt, don’t start with the diddums shite!

Anyway, I always read “friendly” as “a bit sad and desperate/interfering” in these situations. People who go on about how friendly they are are 99% of the time people I wouldn’t go near if my life depended on it.

Skittlesandbeer · 27/02/2018 21:08

Phineyj I think you’ve got it- OP your playroom is just too enticing.

I have a friend with this issue. A whole room crammed with toys for all ages (they have little cousins over a lot) plus a big craft table with carousels of art supplies and rolls of paper. Huge hamper of dressing up clothes. Kiddy crack.

Play dates at hers turn into long affairs, as no one wants to leave the playroom. Mums have even been known to bring their own friends (once with a toddler!) to marvel at that room.

She revealed to me that if she wants to encourage an end to a play date, she makes everyone go out in the garden ‘for a bit of fresh air’ and so she can start tidying the playroom. She has a large, open fishpond. The other parent(s) soon get jack of closely supervising all the kids and preventing wet accidents. They realise they don’t want wet bottoms on their naice car seats. My friend says it usually takes under 10 minutes for them to make their farewells. Genius!

Ahardyfool · 27/02/2018 21:10

Lovely. People that don’t want to be friends with “people that don’t recognise non verbal clues”. This is why life is so hard for my children on the autism spectrum. It’s not accepted as okay to say “I wouldn’t want to be friends with people with a missing limb” is it?

Aria999 · 27/02/2018 21:20

I find it strange that people aren’t willing just to say ‘it was lovely talking to you, I need to go and do X now, see you soon I hope!.’ Non verbal clues all very well but some of these posts sound like they want people to be psychic...

MadMags · 27/02/2018 21:25

It’s not accepted as okay to say “I wouldn’t want to be friends with people with a missing limb” is it?

don’t make it something it’s not.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/02/2018 21:30

I have to assume that people who do this are either oblivious (and I don't really want to be friends with someone who doesn't notice non verbal language) or don't care.

It's attitudes like that that make life so difficult for people like me. I'm not as far as I know on the autistic spectrum, but I find body language hard to see and understand. So not only have I got a problem with communication, I'm not worthy of friendship.

Introvertpants · 27/02/2018 21:31

Play dates are bad enough without the parent of the child and her three sprogs running riot around the house for an hour when you have things you need to get on with.
It rude and intrusive.
I had one where my dd was round for a Play date. Finished work and went to collect when the mum says oh we have just started doing loom bands. I was knackered after work and still had my lunch to get and had to be at my grans care home in a couple of hours. She got all the loom band stuff out on the table despite me saying I need to visit my gran. Then dd fannied about getting ready. I missed the visiting times so had to go at night which impacted the rest of my night.
I fucking hate play dates with a passion.

Maybe I'm an anti social fucker but I don't care.

Ahardyfool · 27/02/2018 21:31

@madmags so sorry, I forgot that intolerant and discriminatory comments about less visible disabilities were totally fine.

MadMags · 27/02/2018 21:32

The safest thing then is not to invite yourself in with your kids in toe, and plant yourself in someone’s house for an hour!

MadMags · 27/02/2018 21:34

I just really don’t think the poster meant to be discriminatory! I’d like to think she didn’t in any case.

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