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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

When you're collecting your child from an after school playdate do you do this?

165 replies

AjasLipstick · 26/02/2018 08:17

STAY TOO LONG?

Seriously. DD aged 9's friend came over this evening (we're in Australia) for an after school play.

Her Mum had said she'd come to collect at 5.30.

great.

As usual, she arrived with her husband and their other three kids.

They stayed "chatting" to me for AN HOUR! On a school night when I have been working all day....I work from home. I stop work to pick kids up and then usually need to continue after bedtime.

WHY!? For the love of God!?

OP posts:
PlaydoughGirl · 26/02/2018 12:04

You know what. This is bloody shit. I cry with exhaustion every morning and every night because I am running on empty, and my husband is in another hemisphere, and the thing that keeps me going is the friendships of people around me. So I tried to encourage OP to view things the same way, and got condescended to. And then when I defend myself, I am told by someone else I am rude and spiteful. And now I'm sitting here crying again.

Good luck OP. If you're that busy, it might be helpful to have people you can ring up and say 'can you have the kids for a hour tonight - I'm desperate to go grocery shopping by myself'. I have an amazing network of people around me that has been mostly cultivated by post-playdate chats, so I was sharing my experience to encourage you not to view them as an inconvenience. I'm sorry I was short with you in my reply, but frankly, you really hurt my feelings.

MarklahMarklah · 26/02/2018 12:05

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.
Last week DD had a playdate with a friend who's been to us a few times. Mum has waited on the doorstop whilst her DD faffed about (she was a bit delayed getting over from work so I didn't have a set pick-up time, just "around 6"). Next time it happened, I invited her in as it was really cold. She's come in for a cup of tea a couple of times, so last week, she invited me in.
At the moment, it works well as we're all getting to know each other (class reshuffle), but if the person picking up is clearly in a hurry - or the host parent is looking frazzled then no, we don't hang about.

Tonight we've a friend of DD's over and the mum is picking up on the way to somewhere else so no stopping. Not sure about next week's friend, or the week after's though.... better make sure it's tidy and I've got teabags! Wink

UnderTheDesk · 26/02/2018 12:06

Anyway...

I work from home OP, and often have people popping round for a chat. If I don't have time to talk to them, they get a version of, "I'm afraid I can't chat at the moment, as I need to get back to work. Another time soon, hopefully? See ya, bye, byeee."

I haven't yet had anyone take offense at that.

GreenTulips · 26/02/2018 12:07

I'm sure OP has people she relies on, but having had another's child to play, she now needs to sort out bed time/baths etc. and around tea time is not the time to stand chatting with the mother her husband and 3 more kids!

Mumto2two · 26/02/2018 12:09

Why would you never expect to be mates with the parents?? Is there an unwritten rule? Is that why some people feel they are too busy to bother? Have really heard it all now.
Thankfully I didn't have that approach with school parents, and have been lucky to have met some lovely people, whom I now count as very dear friends.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 26/02/2018 12:09

Jesus, Playdough, nobody's talking about inviting your friends round when you need company Confused. Can you really not see the difference between invited people and people who have no social graces whatsoever just blundering in uninvited?

omBreROSE · 26/02/2018 12:12

playdoughFlowers

Bornlazy · 26/02/2018 12:22

Playdough don't get upset - your way works for you. I don't think you were rude or that you sound 12... Flowers

Mumto2two · 26/02/2018 12:27

Lamagreyhound...not sure how exactly you have deduced that I am one of the worst offenders??
I happen to think I am very emotionally tuned in..and am friendly to people, and lucky enough to have people around me who are friendly and kind in return. I guess that's life in general.
The 'too busy brigaders' reap what they sow in the end. We had a school mum who was very much this mould, to the point of being arrogant & rude. She was just too busy busy busy for small chat or general pleasantries, and once made the comment that she didn't need to make new friends, as she had plenty of her own thank you very much. A few months later, she announced she was ill, and being sympathetic, I offered my help. Bizarrely enough, she told me how upset she was, that people were avoiding her and hadn't responded in any way, to the announcement that she was ill.
On that note...I do see where playdough is coming from. Her comment may have been a little sarcastic, but the point she makes is valid. People who proclaim their busyness as a barrier to being friendly, are indeed a tiresome entity.

chocatoo · 26/02/2018 12:27

I think that you are all being unnecessarily unpleasant to playdough...there is no need to unkind.

Mumto2two · 26/02/2018 12:31

I agree Chocatoo..very unkind Flowers

TheNoodlesIncident · 26/02/2018 12:43

too busy busy busy for small chat or general pleasantries is not actually = coming in with 3 additional children, letting them run off and start playing, staying for an HOUR and ignoring OP saying several times how busy she is??? (Jeez, I have autism and even I'd pick up on hints like that...)

It's not that OP is saying she never wants to spend any time chatting or being friendly to other parents, but come on... the cues that this is not a good time were there, surely?

KC225 · 26/02/2018 12:44

I am in rural Sweden and people up here are bloody rude. School finishes at 12.50 on a Friday and kids (I have boy/girl twins) have come home on the school bus, so they arrive at 1.15/and then they are not collected until 7. Then suddenly its quiet and one of MY kids tell me the friend or firends have gone home. The parents pull into the drive and text the kid to come out. No thanks from Parent or kid, no how did it go after I have fed and watered the kids for 6 hours. The kids are about 9-10. Its so bloody rude. His hard it is to come to the doorstep to say thanks.

A trick OP is to ask the parent collecting to text YOU when she/he is leaving and then you can be waiting on the doorstep with the child, hats and coats and bags and stuff. Quick, hi yes, she was an Angel. No problems. Thanks byeee. Wave em off.

Original poster
AjasLipstick · 26/02/2018 12:47

Sorry but Playdough went from this

Awwww. Diddums. I work full time, am studying a Masters degree, have 2 children with special needs and my DP is travelling away for 5 months. Lots of us work a lot. You're not that special.

To crying about how we're mean! I wasn't rude to you Playdough...I just responded to you honestly. I don't have time to talk for an hour during a week night.

It's frankly weird to turn up as a family and hold me up on my doorstep for that long.

It's not the same as a woman who needs friendship asking me for a coffee or something. What happened tonight was just rude.

OP posts:
Married3Children · 26/02/2018 12:52

I want to know....WHY do people do this?
Because they are socialable peole who value connexion.
And because the feel you gave them was that you were enjoying the talk too!!
I also suspect that they have no idea as to how your day is organised, incl the fact you are/were planning to carry in working when they can to pick their dc up. In their mind, they’ve finished work when they have a child and play date and therefore expect you to also be in a ‘at home’ mode, which includes socialising, for example with the parents of their children friends.

It everyone

halfwitpicker · 26/02/2018 12:54

Invite a Skype date. You have to be online in ten minutes.

halfwitpicker · 26/02/2018 12:55

I'm not too busy for small talk, I just cba with it Confused

GnotherGnu · 26/02/2018 12:56

Anyone who uses "Diddums" when addressing someone else loses the right to complain that people are being mean to them.

Married3Children · 26/02/2018 12:58

I personally find that people who i have been meeting on a regular basis for pick ups etc... and give that vibe that you shouldn’t be talking more than 2mins quite rude tbh.

Esp when it’s in a regular basis (eg for you each time they oick up their dcs because said play date is always during the week).
What’s wrong with taking the time to talk to them at least once in a while??

I find that sort of attitude anti social and like they are telling me I’m boring/annoying/not the sort of person you could ever be friend with.

Making it clear that you are still working for example would actually be a much kinder thing to do rather than expecting them to somehow know or guess you are busy.

Mumto2two · 26/02/2018 13:08

Ajax did initially respond with this.." Playdough..how nice for you that you have time to do that. I on the other hand had tea already prepared...by DH who did it before he left for work this evening and didn't need to do it because I DID have to work.
I don't get leisurely wine and cooking time. I work a lot."

I am sorry, but that is patronising. It implies you are an especially busy person, and certainly busier than Playdough. And when you are struggling to juggle life like everyone else, and as Playdough points out, has her own busy stressful agenda. That was bound to hit a nerve.

GnotherGnu · 26/02/2018 13:41

But that in turn was a response to Playdough's somewhat patronising post which assumed that OP was the little woman with nothing else to do except prepare her husband's tea, when OP had made it clear that she still had work to get through. And "Aw Diddums" is, on any interpretation an aggressive response. Fine if you feel it's merited, but to move from that to complaining that OP is being mean is simply weird.

dangerrabbit · 26/02/2018 13:51

Maybe this is an introvert/extrovert thing. Some people get their energy from being around others, other people get it from being alone. Personally I find being around other people draining and need to be alone to charge my batteries but understand that others may feel differently. The 1 hour play date mum sounds quite rude as she did not pick up on the social cues but creating a community of people around you from your kids friends parents sounds useful.

Juanbablo · 26/02/2018 13:58

I try not to even go in the door. I feel that I'm sure the parents would just want me to take my kid and go!

Mumto2two · 26/02/2018 14:09

GnotherGnu..."but that was in response to Playdough's somewhat patronising post which assumed that OP was the little woman with nothing else to do except prepare her husband's tea..."

Sorry but I don't find that inference anywhere in Playdoughs original post... "I'm in Australia and would consider this perfectly normal. In fact, I usually invite them in, offer them a glass of wine, and then chat while I prepare tea. It's good to have a community of people around me who I can rely on when needed, and I think the odd glass of wine and a chat helps forge those networks".

There was nothing wrong with that post at all, and I do think the OP response was a little patronising.
Unfortunately, busy brigaders often are. Which is why it probably gets people's backs up.
Either way, there was no need for the unkindness that followed. It was unnecessary.

BackforGood · 26/02/2018 14:10

I've managed to raise 3 dc with a plethora of different friends nad I've never had a parent - let alone family - come in whilst they are picking their child up. They stand on the doorstep or step into the hallway. Just the person who rings the bell, that is, no-one else - they stay in the car if they've had to bring other family along.
YOu need to be more assertive AJas - at the point the siblings tried to run past, I'd have said no quite firmly.