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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

When you're collecting your child from an after school playdate do you do this?

165 replies

AjasLipstick · 26/02/2018 08:17

STAY TOO LONG?

Seriously. DD aged 9's friend came over this evening (we're in Australia) for an after school play.

Her Mum had said she'd come to collect at 5.30.

great.

As usual, she arrived with her husband and their other three kids.

They stayed "chatting" to me for AN HOUR! On a school night when I have been working all day....I work from home. I stop work to pick kids up and then usually need to continue after bedtime.

WHY!? For the love of God!?

OP posts:

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 26/02/2018 18:19

You're still (massively) missing the point, Mummyto2
Inviting people in for a glass of wine is perfectly fine. An entire family barrelling into your home at pickup time and outstaying their welcome because they simply can't read social cues is something else again.
Op is not unreasonable at all to not want to accommodate it.

pandapop17 · 26/02/2018 19:00

We have a couple of friends who are annoying slow leavers. Their kids don't want to go and they are too wimpy to take control. Its an hour of please get your shoes on darling we have to go. I just ignore them and get on with what I have to do. I have actually started bath time whilst they are still here gently pleading! I don't care if it's rude , people's inability to get a move on drives me crazy!

GreenTulips · 26/02/2018 19:35

Their kids don't want to go

I say 'I'm counting down - youbhave 10 seconds to be out the door otherwise you aren't invited again' they soon shift! (It's a fun game for the kids - not said to parents

Mumto2two · 26/02/2018 19:39

I haven't missed that point lamagrey..I completely get that aspect of the OPs thread. My latter posts were in defence of Playdough..and people who are perhaps generally more open & friendly..and do not feel the need to self publicise how busy they are.

minipie · 26/02/2018 19:51

Surely there is a middle ground between standing in the garden with the child to be returned (seriously?!) and welcoming the other parent in for an hour.

If DD's playdate is with someone I'm vaguely friendly with I'd expect them to come in for 10 minutes at pick up. Likewise I'd generally arrive 10 minutes before the end of the playdate at pick up for a quick chat. I'd have DD2 in tow as DH is never at home (I can't imagine turning up with DH and sibling in tow though, why would you?)

Is 10 minutes too much? Should I just snatch DD from wherever she is playing and run?

DD is also the dreaded "reluctant to leave" child so yes that 10 minutes does include a couple of warnings to smooth the leaving process. But many other people's children have been exactly the same at my house (reception age) so I don't think it's that unusual. If you have a tip for ensuring a 5 year old leaves immediately when asked, other than lassooing them, please share...

Anyway to summarise: lots of judgment on this thread both from the stayers and the grab and runners, both of whom seem to be emphasising the extreme lengths they go to in order to be friendly/efficient. Middle option seems best to me.

Original poster

AjasLipstick · 26/02/2018 21:22

Mini 10 minutes is fine! It's expected...and reception age children are still learning manners....but in my case, the friend did go and get her things.

The only delays were caused by siblings who are tiny and weren't on a playdate! Oh...and rude parents.

OP posts:

RhodaBorrocks · 26/02/2018 21:36

Oh god this happened to me last week. First the Mum was over an hour later than she said she'd be. No message, no call, no apology when she arrived.

Then she started yakking. I was due to host my hobby group that evening. My baking was ruined and in the end I had to chuck them out after anither hour via passive aggressively telling DC they had to switch the console off (as whilst the Mum kept talking, the kids kept on playing). My group arrived as playdate Mum and DC were leaving. I barely had time to get the kettle on to make theur drinks and have a wee before they wanted to start.

I've seen her a few times since and she's as friendly as ever. But I doubt I'll invite her DC over again.

blackteasplease · 26/02/2018 21:44

I usually ask them if they would like to come in for a coffee at the beginning of the play date (when they usually can't wait to get away) but never at the end. I agree with having them ready at the door.

The Mum who is best at setting hee boundaries that I know often drops kids back home so I reckon she's on to something!

Shizzlestix · 26/02/2018 22:05

Anyone who uses "Diddums" when addressing someone else loses the right to complain that people are being mean to them.

Quite. Don’t think OP was rude.

I reckon the whole waiting at the door is good, then be brave and tell them you must go, conference call in 5 etc.

Original poster

AjasLipstick · 26/02/2018 22:07

Rhoda exactly. No further invitations from me I think. I have had this child over about 3 times and the family have done this every time.

I think in all honesty that I wouldn't feel so irritated if just the Mum or the Dad turned up leaving the rest of the kids at home with the other parent.

It's too much....5 extra bodies suddenly flooding my house when all I want to do is say bye.

OP posts:

GnotherGnu · 27/02/2018 00:57

Either way, there was no need for the unkindness that followed. It was unnecessary.

Why? It wasn't OP who descended into childish "Aw Diddums" phraseology.

SuperBeagle · 27/02/2018 01:38

Pretty common in my circle, and I'm also in Australia.

I don't do weekday playdates unless one of my children has a friend who's in a bind, because I work full-time and so do the rest of the parents I know. But parents coming in for a cup of tea when they drop off/pick up their kids on a weekend doesn't bother me.

This was standard when I was younger too.

I wonder if it might be because I live, and was raised, in a rural area. This sort of thing is normal because it helps build or maintain a social circle that would otherwise be difficult to achieve. Being a parent in a rural area can be very isolating, and I think making the effort to befriend your child's friend's parents is considered very normal and beneficial. I don't think this exists so much in bigger suburbs/cities, because you're interacting with far more people on a far more consistent basis.

LolitaLempicka · 27/02/2018 02:15

Oh I used to love it in the UK, because you would have a glass of wine with the parents. We have lived in many countries and no one else ever did this. The worst was in the US when they would honk their horns from the end of the driveway. Rude. I guess you would prefer that OP? So I guess it is largely cultural, I think British people are very hospitable and friendly.

schrodingerstwat · 27/02/2018 02:51

Oh my God! I AM the stayer-and-chatter!! Noooo...I'm mortified now! You just seemed so friendly!! And your politics chat, your recommends on music and literature, and especially your to-the-needle-point take on transgender issues was so totally mumsnet that I couldn't bloody tear myself away

Obviously, I'm kidding. I hate everyone, including the parents of my kids' friends, and I can't wait to run away asap.

Original poster

AjasLipstick · 27/02/2018 05:39

Lolita I am British. So I must be the exception? But I never had this issue in England. Only in Oz. She's not my friend this woman....she has friends. She's never suggested meeting or anything....I genuinely think she comes in with the toddlers in order to get a bit of entertainment for them.

OP posts:

theftbyfinding · 27/02/2018 13:02

Oh yanbu. I used to loathe playdates for these overlong pick ups. A pick up is not a social occasion and it's bad manners of the parents to just assume there are no demands on your time, especially after hosting their dc. Thank god those days are over.

Louby2018 · 27/02/2018 17:50

Ha, ha, awkward situation to be in. For us the unexpected playdate situation had to be when I 'dropped' my 5 year old one afternoon and was invited in. I was offered coffee then the mum got chatting for the entire length of the playdate. Like what! I was expecting to just leave my daughter to play and then go off on shopping errands, then collect her later lol. Even worse I'd got my older teen daughter with me and we were both expecting to go to the shops once we'd dropped the little one off at her friends house. Maybe I should have been tougher and refused the invite to come in and have coffee!!

WyfOfBathe · 27/02/2018 17:56

YANBU OP.

people who are perhaps generally more open & friendly..and do not feel the need to self publicise how busy they are.

I'm a teacher. I can sometimes choose to leave straight after school so DD can have a friend to play. If I do that, I then need to get on with my work as soon as her friend has gone. I can't just not do my work. I'm sure you'd be the first to complain if your DC's lessons weren't planned or marked because I'd been chatting instead of working!

Emoconn · 27/02/2018 17:57

Do you work?

Branleuse · 27/02/2018 18:08

oh god, I always assumed it would be rude to just grab child and go. I always stop for a little chat.
Obviously this is yet ANOTHER social faux pas I had no idea about. Great.

JulyAphrodite · 27/02/2018 18:09

Not the same but I had one of DDs friends over just for the afternoon on the Saturday and the mum collected her at 6 pm the following day!
The mums phone was turned off until that time and she never asked if she could stay the night. This just reminded me of it! I think she just needed a babysitter :/

PussGirl · 27/02/2018 18:09

I think it rude. I'm happy to tell people it's time to go as I have to get on perhaps I'm rude as well

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 27/02/2018 18:24

Luckily we are on a main road and not much parking so when people to come pick up the kids they have to rush because they leave the car on double yellow lines 😊

eddielizzard · 27/02/2018 18:30

hmm a bit of extra relaxation time for them while you / your kids look after theirs.

well there won't be next time, but if there were i'd call the kids back and say so sorry - no time to play now! get your things chop chop.

and then smile and hold the door open.

yes, rude a bit, but clear.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 27/02/2018 18:52

I think 10 minutes of chat is fine and a "we must catch up properly" as you open the door.

Agree with a pp- there's always one child that starts shenanigans about not wanting to go when their mum turns up!

The strange thing is, the mum stands passively at the door and it's up to you to chase the child round the house, and bribe them with biscuits to get their shoes on and yes they can take that toy home. Just Please leave now.

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