Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad has fallen out with me over "crap" Xmas present

176 replies

lilly0 · 26/02/2018 08:03

I dropped into my dad's house yesterday he was watching the football he seemed a bit grumpy with me , I haven't seen him much since Xmas maybe twice (this isn't usual for me) just been very busy as OH is working away and with work and looking after DD everything is a bit hectic.
Every penny I've been earning has been going on debt repayments I'm determined to be debt free , I spent mostly on the kids and got little tidbits for adults my dad has a good job, paid his house off. My dad started going on at me because I apparently bought him a crap Christmas gift , it was his birthday and I sent him a birthday email instead of card, he kicked off saying I spent nothing on him my Xmas gift was rubbish and I didn't get him a card that's why he hasn't come round to visit me and DD
AIBU to think my dad is rude and pathetic ? He earns much more than I do , I'm skint and well parents you know are supposed to to understand , In-laws would never be so rude to say that.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 27/02/2018 19:33

I get your point about not wanting your DP to sell his house, Lily, but isn't he at least helping you in paying the debt off?

Kewcumber · 27/02/2018 19:36

The reason people don;t like emails for birthday cards is becasue they lack any effort so are suitable for -

a) people you only know peripherally
b) people you only know virtually
c) people you know hate cards
d) people under 50

Everyone else if at all possible gets

i) - an actual card
ii) - hand delivered if at all possible, (posted if not)
iii) - even a token present (I highly recommend framed pictures of Grandchildren)

Bridechilla · 27/02/2018 19:41

I see how he IBU. I also think it feels less grabby and more unloved. I've not given gifts before but I will always send a card if that's the case. You can post a card practically for free if handmade/handposted. Less than a quid for something purchased.

His strop is childish, but I can actually sympathise.

Spanners1 · 27/02/2018 19:46

It's not the money that's the problem, it's that you're Dad feels that there has been a lack of effort. I'm sure that you could have got the children to make him a card and made him a birthday meal, it wouldn't have broke the bank. For some people birthdays aren't important but for some they are and if they are for your Dad even if you don't have a lot of money an e mail is only going to offend. TBH I can see his point

overnightangel · 27/02/2018 20:13

Not RTFT but sounds like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree

Northernparent68 · 27/02/2018 20:14

I have not read the whole thread so I apologise if this has already been said, but is it really about cards and presents or about the relationship as a whole. You say you ve seen him twice since Christmas, that is not a lot, perhaps he feels neglected. Do you like your father ?

overnightangel · 27/02/2018 20:14

Who actually sends one of their parents a birthday email instead of a card.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 27/02/2018 20:16

my dad has a good job, paid his house off.... He earns much more than I do

I'm not clear on why your dad's financial situation is relevant to be honest.

He is making his point badly and acting in a way that isn't going to illicit any sympathy, but it's probably down to hurt feelings. Not sending your dad a Birthday card isn't great, is it? And a £10 gift voucher at Christmas also punches the message home that he deserves minimum effort.

Just because he's your dad, owns his own home and earns more than you doesn't mean that he stops wanting a bit of basic 'I value you.'

If you posted here saying that you were feeling grumpy with your dad because he gave you a voucher and an email instead of a card for your Birthday, and you felt hurt, you'd get an outpouring of YANBU.

Why should it be different for your father?

Tokillamockingalan · 27/02/2018 20:22

I didn’t even realise people still sent birthday cards to anyone over the age of 21. I can’t quite fathom how people think writing ‘have a happy birthday, love, ‘ (or some variant of) on a card that will end up binned in a day or two is somehow ‘touching and thoughtful’. Unless you’re writing a sonnet of course.... that would be worth keeping. Just pick up the phone and have a chat ffs x

GreenShadow · 27/02/2018 20:48

Cards here stay up for a couple of weeks and look lovely.

When I buy a card, thought goes into it - they are chosen with care for a specific person (I don't buy job lots in advance). I hope they aren't just thrown out after a day or two...

ChickenDinnerChecky · 27/02/2018 20:54

This has been picked up by the Sun btw, didn’t know if any of you had seen it, I saw it online last night. :(

Sauvignonne · 27/02/2018 21:09

How on earth can a daughter sending her father a card be misogynistic, ffs.

Those of you who are amazed at the idea that parents might give a shit about being wished a happy birthday have a sad time ahead of you.

dementedmummy · 27/02/2018 21:29

Just a suggestion for next year - get yourself onto moonpig.com and order him a card that way. You can personalise it as you did your email but your dad gets a card that shows him you've thought about him but for which you dont need to go hunting through the shops to find some standard tat x

cheval · 27/02/2018 22:03

Oh ffs! A grown man having a pop about this. I would definitely go on holiday next Xmas, if only to next county.

MaggieS41 · 27/02/2018 22:37

I don’t get this birthday card bullshit. It’s old fashioned and a waste of paper. You thought of him and expressed your birthday wishes. Does it really matter that it was in the form of an email?! Big deal if a card means so much to him. A parent that doesn’t appreciate any gift is probably going to complain about a 29p card anyway. He’s totally being unreasonable! Why do parents behave like this!? Don’t mean to offend but he sounds like a spoilt brat with a sense of entitlement.

CherryMaDeary · 27/02/2018 23:48

How on earth can a daughter sending her father a card be misogynistic, ffs

Yes, because that's what I said 🙄

My point is that all the posters telling OP to be a dutiful daughter and send a card to her poor, hurt neglected dad haven't even bothered to ask what kind of dad he is.

I bet sons don't get this much flack over a bloody birthday card.

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 28/02/2018 01:02

My point is that all the posters telling OP to be a dutiful daughter and send a card to her poor, hurt neglected dad haven't even bothered to ask what kind of dad he is

I bet sons don't get this much flack over a bloody birthday card

Posters have responded to the OP's OP. Not to a hypothetical situation that the OP hasn't mentioned. Nor have they responded to an imaginary man asking the same question.

It's all very well eye-rolling at posters' comments, but unless the OP suddenly drip feeds a massive back story about her father or reveals a brother who has done exactly the same and had a completely different reaction, then people are responding to what the OP has actually said...

Sauvignonne · 28/02/2018 01:20

Exactly. I responded to the notion that encouraging a daughter to be respectful to her father's feelings should be construed as misogynistic - devoid of any extra information about that father. Why assume he is a monster before assuming he is a lonely parent with hurt feelings?

Sauvignonne · 28/02/2018 01:24

I'm amazed at people saying that he is a 'spoilt brat with a sense of entitlement'. That's a massive over-reaction to hearing that a father is upset that his daughter didn't make an effort on his birthday.

Abbylee · 28/02/2018 02:20

Handmade birthday cards are a nice thoughtful gift. My 85 yo father told me that he was reminded of his mother and how she loved homemade cards when he was small. Maybe your dd could make him one?

lilly00 · 28/02/2018 02:45

Its the OP here after a name change
I bought him a sorry card and all seems to be good now, and for Xmas I will ask what he wants or ask to do child only gift giving. Quite embarrassed this is in the sun Confused.

Blackteadrinker77 · 28/02/2018 07:44

Nobody reads the Sun anyway, they're scum

pollymere · 28/02/2018 08:51

I think not buying or making him a birthday card was shabby. I'd have been there on his b'day, cooking a meal or making a fuss, unless I really couldn't, or at least the weekend nearest. I suspect this is more that you haven't taken the time to see him that he's offended by what seem to be very cheap and ill thought gifts by him. I think you may need to do something to make it up to him, for his birthday at least. It doesn't have to be expensive. I remember taking my Dad to the cinema when I was hard up and he loved it. He hadn't been in years and it was a real treat (2 4 1 helps or supermarket vouchers!)

SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 28/02/2018 10:45

Good to hear OP, nice update! I don't know anyone who reads the Sun!

Whowhatwhy · 28/02/2018 11:42

I hope that when my kids are grown up and have families of their own that I have enough sense and compassion to not be bothered when a card doesn't arrive. It's total nonsense to get in a flap about it!

Having said that OP, your dad's story is pretty difficult. He's been through some tough times. I wonder whether that has an impact on his reaction to you? Maybe he needs to know you're there and that you are bothered about him more than most would.