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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad has fallen out with me over "crap" Xmas present

176 replies

lilly0 · 26/02/2018 08:03

I dropped into my dad's house yesterday he was watching the football he seemed a bit grumpy with me , I haven't seen him much since Xmas maybe twice (this isn't usual for me) just been very busy as OH is working away and with work and looking after DD everything is a bit hectic.
Every penny I've been earning has been going on debt repayments I'm determined to be debt free , I spent mostly on the kids and got little tidbits for adults my dad has a good job, paid his house off. My dad started going on at me because I apparently bought him a crap Christmas gift , it was his birthday and I sent him a birthday email instead of card, he kicked off saying I spent nothing on him my Xmas gift was rubbish and I didn't get him a card that's why he hasn't come round to visit me and DD
AIBU to think my dad is rude and pathetic ? He earns much more than I do , I'm skint and well parents you know are supposed to to understand , In-laws would never be so rude to say that.

OP posts:
WitchesHatRim · 26/02/2018 10:01

As an aside, I’m surprised you’re allowed to be in a HA place and be a Private Landlord. That seems like having your cake and eating it too?!

Yes it does.

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 10:02

Dora It's because, as I said earlier, people seem to want to stack the decks around a situation to get the answer they want to hear. They are so desperate to be told they are in the right, they start building a case around it that actually stretches the truth from what they've said before or sometimes tell outright lies. In many cases, people go against the MNHQ advice of giving more than they should in terms of time and thought and I've seen people have thread after thread and people really invest in someone when clearly the poster is spouting absolute crap because they are a troll or just a shit stirrer.

In this case, the OP was using the fact she is skint as part of her defence for making no effort with her father. HIS financial status is irrelevant to her buying him a card or spending any time with him. Yet she and her OP are private landlords. They can't be skint. Etc etc.

Piffle11 · 26/02/2018 10:04

I can see his point about the card, but I think he's gone the wrong way about it. My DM can get very sniffy if a present doesn't match up to her standards ... I can even remember her being foul to me as a child because I'd got her something she didn't like. I've never forgotten how shit she made me feel. I think reaction to cards and presents - whether for Christmas or birthdays - can differ greatly from person to person: DH and I don't buy gifts for each other, and for about the last 5 years we have only bought Christmas gifts for children. This did not go down well with some members of my family! They wanted presents! In law weren't bothered.

morningconstitutional2017 · 26/02/2018 10:12

The correct response when receiving a present is 'thank you' - perhaps you could remind him of this very strongly next time (before stomping out) - if there is a next time. There's no pleasing some people.

My late father was also a nightmare with present buying. Eventually I only got him token things for Christmas/birthdays - and I totally ignored Fathers' Day. Strangely he was never brave enough to pull me up on this omission. Why did we put up with it all those years? Maybe because we knew that inside every bully is a horrible frightened little boy - and no-one wants to see a grown man cry.

Greggers2017 · 26/02/2018 10:12

Your poor dad. You have been ill surely that makes you appreciate things more and make more effort with people. A £10 gift card is a very lazy gift. You put no thought into it whatsoever. You could have spent £10 and got him something that say you gave it some thought. You've hardly seen him too? You maybe are working and looking after your daughter but what's half a hour every week? And not seeing him on his birthday is mean. Why not post a card and call him on his birthday if you can't make it. Cards cost pennies.

SparklyMagpie · 26/02/2018 10:14

A £10gift card is quite crap considering like another poster said, you could have used that and bought a few little bits an bobs and perhaps your daughter could have made something. When I'm struggling I have often got DS to make something for my dad and for example,my dad's birthday was a few days ago and me and my brother decided as we were both short for money we'd club together and we managed to buy him a ticket for a football match which they went too yesterday and he had a fab time.
Joining together made our little amounts buy something that wasn't too pricey but something we knew he'd love. He was even more made up that he could wear the shirt I bought him a few years ago

It's not hard to put abit of effort in.

My parents and stepmum have always told us not to bother but we always buy a card and even gone round and cooked tea/just spending some quality time...it isn't hard

janetheimpaler · 26/02/2018 10:21

It's not all about you. Show your father that you can make a priority of him. Who cares whether or not you like cards, he does! Once you become an adult, you have to take adult responsibility for your relationship with your parents. It becomes give and take, not take, take, take... as it was when you were a child. He probably feels terrible that you haven't visited him since February. Is he lonely?

janetheimpaler · 26/02/2018 10:25

Christmas not February

Cath2907 · 26/02/2018 10:26

It think you have been rude and thoughtless. An expensive gift is unnecessary but you could have sent your Dad a proper card. If you can't give in money you could have given in time. Pop round with a cake and share it with him for half an hour and make him feel special.

Willswife · 26/02/2018 10:26

My Mum & Dad wouldn't fall out with me over it, but I have no doubt they would be very hurt if I didn't send them a birthday card. I do buy them birthday gifts, but if I was skint I'd probably still buy a bar of chocolate for them or something.

Your Dad does sound as though he has overreacted, but I can see why he would be hurt.

martellandginger · 26/02/2018 10:26

Birthday emails are for students or friends overseas.

beanii · 26/02/2018 10:29

I don't understand why you wouldn't get your daughter to make a card - homemade is always better than bought? Also if you really don't have money for a gift - explain that to him but pop round for a cup of tea and a piece of cake - spend TIME with him. Surely that isn't too much to ask on his birthday? As for a £10 gift card, personally I would rather my children tell me things are a bit tight than just chuck a voucher at me - thoughtless, pointless present.

user7680 · 26/02/2018 10:36

Oh gosh he needs to get a grip. Really?? Why do people take Xmas presents so seriously?? I don’t give any Xmas presents to adults

EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 26/02/2018 10:39

You gave your DF a £10 gift card and you’re surprised by his reaction? From your posts I would guess that you don’t even like your father. If you do, please stop being such a selfish twat, he won’t be here forever.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 26/02/2018 10:39

I would feel disappointed if my closest relative couldn't be arsed to mark my birthday in any other way than an email. I think as we get older and our parents are not around, fewer people tend to care about our birthdays, but a daughter (or son) should make a bit of effort.

I wouldn't have said anything to you, but it would make me sad.

Buck3t · 26/02/2018 10:40

Yeah no.

I wouldn't be buying a card it's bad for the environment. I would no longer be buying anything because of the attitude.

The mistake you made was not being upfront. T=Tell people you are not buying cards give your reason and move on. Because their not important and they are a waste of planetary resources (no one in my family argues with me after that).

This year I bought my dad a hat and scarf to replace the baseball cap he's been wearing for eternity. A new style, for an upcoming year. You should have seen his face. He wants presents and then is ungrateful.

It's his birthday in April. I'm putting no thought into it and buying a mfing gift card. Since what I like is crap, he can get it his goddamn self. i don't believe in wasting money on tat. Why should I know my dad so well, but he not know me well to understand my stance on waste. Why should I alone be the adult. Nah! I'm done. I think you should be too. But you do you. I neither have the time nor inclination to look you up to know your deal and try to shame you. So my thoughts are based on my experiences of an ungrateful dad.

HandbagCrazy · 26/02/2018 10:41

Wow some of these responses are bloody harsh.
Yes, you should have got your dad a birthday card but for a grown man to have a tantrum over it is extreme. Tell him in no uncertain terms to calm down and if he wants to explain his feelings like the adult he's supposed to be, you'll listen.

WRT going away for Christmas, I would recommend it. I've done it for similar reasons (family pressure, not enough time to see everyone) and it's been great. And it can be as cheap or expensive as you want to make it.

Lizzie48 · 26/02/2018 10:43

I can understand why your DF was upset, a £10 gift card is a bit rubbish, and not giving him at the very least a birthday card wasn't kind at all. But his reaction was somewhat childish, and not visiting as a result was petty, no 2 ways about that. Wouldn't he want to see his DGD? Hmm

WitchesHatRim · 26/02/2018 10:44

WRT going away for Christmas, I would recommend it.

Nothing wrong with going away at Christmas. We often do.

However if you are going to, as it's one if the most expensive times of the year even when doing it cheaply, then don't in the same breath plead poverty as the OP has.

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 10:46

Buck3t Your dad is shit. We don't know the OP's dad is shit, just unhappy about what happened this year. You're projecting.

DoraMilaje · 26/02/2018 10:50

I see your point Shatner, I just think it gives way to a whole load of assumptions being made. There are lots of people that are asset rich but cash poor iyswim, the OP has alluded to debt in her first post.

You're right about some posters engineering their posts to get the answers they want and if you're willing to post about it on an open forum then of course there is the chance you will get called on it but others are practically rubbing their hands in glee at the prospect of OP being "caught out" which is uncalled for.

I also stand by the point that posting about relationship problems last bloody year has no bearing on asking your partner their opinion on something that is happening right now!

FreeNiki · 26/02/2018 10:52

Fine at Christmas but not a birthday card is shit. As others have said you can get a cheap one for less than £1.

Ive been there with debt, I really have, however you do at some point have to ask yourself what difference a quid or two really makes when it is your dad's birthday.

chocorabbit · 26/02/2018 10:52

What bits and bobs exactly can you buy with £10?? Chocolates which again would be considered as "generic" and "thoughtless". The OP said that she was very busy during Christmas so she bought the voucher. Which could top up a better purchase for her DF. I'd rather receive a voucher and spend it however I like (amazon vouchers was a great idea for teacher's gifts I saw on the education threads, thanks mumsnet!!) than something which is totally useless to me and I will have to donate. Some people are crap at gifts, so what?? Why crucify people over this Confused

Also, correct me if I am wrong but it seems to me that what the OP actually said was the she'd rather have the choice to go on a holiday next year (she is "paying back agressively" and might have not debt remaining by next December) than do the gifts exchange torture. Not that she is definitely going on a holiday.

My parents and ILs are over the moon if they receive family pictures and videos on dropbox, whatsapp, e-mail inbox, flickr etc.

It seems to me that she has learnt her lesson and will have to definitely give in and buy a card next year.

EachandEveryone · 26/02/2018 10:55

Will every thing from your father be heading your way eventually op? Just another thought of what might be going through his mind.

BrownTurkey · 26/02/2018 10:55

I would have to give him elaborate homemade (by the kids) homemade cards and gifts from now on. But expect him to stop spending on you and yours too. My Dad can be a bit like this too. I really think they forget how busy and financially tight life with small kids is, either that or they had a wife doing it all.