Dad has fallen out with me over "crap" Xmas present

[lilly0]

I dropped into my dad's house yesterday he was watching the football he seemed a bit grumpy with me , I haven't seen him much since Xmas maybe twice (this isn't usual for me) just been very busy as OH is working away and with work and looking after DD everything is a bit hectic.
Every penny I've been earning has been going on debt repayments I'm determined to be debt free , I spent mostly on the kids and got little tidbits for adults my dad has a good job, paid his house off. My dad started going on at me because I apparently bought him a crap Christmas gift , it was his birthday and I sent him a birthday email instead of card, he kicked off saying I spent nothing on him my Xmas gift was rubbish and I didn't get him a card that's why he hasn't come round to visit me and DD
AIBU to think my dad is rude and pathetic ? He earns much more than I do , I'm skint and well parents you know are supposed to to understand , In-laws would never be so rude to say that.

Here's my life story (for those who cannot be arsed to comb through previous posts)
I got with OH nearly 7 years ago, we lived in MILs house when I was pregnant and then I gave birth to DD. I did find her annoying and overbearing until we moved out and then SIL had 3 children in the space of 2 years , MIL has been much better and relationship has improved moving on OH bought house solely in his name I wasn't happy and this was before I was diagnosed with neurological condition. I moved out in the approx late January , worked through things on my own pretty much, come July I was finally diagnosed and started on medication I have been feeling much better and started work again, OH wanted to make a go of things things again I said yes so he put my name on the houses and I moved out of HA flat, I went back to work. Things have been pretty stable OH had depression etc while I was dealing with my condition but has been somewhat stable since. Like I said before I have been scatter brained and a bit brain foggy and no I cannot rely on DP to help as well he isn't good with things like Christmas and birthday cards, I have a generally good relationship with my dad it has been rocky in the past I have been on funkypigeon and sent him a sorry card so hopefully he will be happy with that. Asking DP to sell the house I think would be unreasonable as the debt is relatively small compared to how much capital is in the house the house also hasn't risen much in value in the past 4 years so to sell would mean an overall loss but the rental income keeps it going while waiting for the value to rise.
, I have just been focusing on DD and work to me previously going to work full time would be unthinkable now i'm managing although a few things have had to take a backseat as I try to recover in the evenings I find gifting for adults exhausting as I have a big family to be honest I'm just not very good at it, children is much easier they generally just love toys. I have been a little selfish in future I will make the card a priority and yes hopefully I will be able to disappear next Xmas as I find the whole thing very exhausting if only buying just for kids was acceptable !!

YANBU, he sounds pathetic. Punishing his grandchild with the cold shoulder because his child who is paying off debts doesn't spend enough money on him. He's making his bed and I'd let him lie in it. Doesn't sound like he's a positive thing in your life so I don't see why you'd keep up this pretence of a lovely daddy daughter relationship when it clearly doesn't exist and probably never did.

People saying you should put yourself in his shoes, really? Are you going to stop visiting your grandchild because your child doesn't funnel enough money your way? Like "imagine being a shit dad, wouldn't it hurt your feelings if your child didn't do all of the work in the relationship? Imagine being a shit grandad, wouldn't you stop visiting them because you were mildly annoyed at the xmas gift their parent gave you?" no I can't imagine any of that because I'm not a knob

I think people get woud up about stuff like presents and cards because they see them as representatvie of affection. But if the giver doesn;t see gifts/cards that way then it is different expectations so people get hurt. I suspect your Dad actually wants to see you and his grand daughter more, - time is more importatnt than token gifts for the sake of it.

I have a birthday near Christmas. My adult DS has a job that gets particularly busy at chrstmas time (no he isn't Santa ) so often I don't get anything until January, and then I don;t get a card because he doesn't do cards. It is fine - we have a good relationship and are very close, we spend time together and would do anythign for each other. So the present/card stuff is of no great significance to me.

I would try to arrange spending some time with him, - go out to tea (or a walk in thepark in money is tight) or something with your DD. He is being silly and is punishing your DD when she has done nothing wrong (which I might point out to him) but he does sound a bit hurt, so you may have to be the bigger person and make a move to get things back on an even keel.

What does your DF usually get you on your birthday, Christmas, OP?

I would have had a chat pre-Xmas and told them how tight money is and that you will just be doing token gifts and would like them to do the same.

I once spent £20 on a website where you can send animal poo to people who have irritated you - I would literally give him a crap present next time!

I would be pretty pissed off if all I got was a email happy birthday instead of a card..
And how much would it of cost / inconvenience would it of been to have printed that pic and put in a cheap frame.
Its the thought that counts and shows us we are appreciated

ShatnersWig sorry but your behaviour looking through people’s past posts is toe curlingly cringy. Just screams sad and overinvested to me who actually has time to do that? Do you have a life outside of mumsnet? Can’t believe you’ve actually gone digging through someones posts who is not even the OP and called their dad shit?! How creepy are you?! So many questions In answer to the OP I think your dad was massively rude, I’d probably just get him a card next time, and some people on this thread are grabby as fuck. I would be more than happy with a ten pound voucher from my kids or step kids.

He's just hurt. It's his way of saying he doesn't feel like he matters to you.

Make a card with your DD, write in it that you are very sorry for not buying a card for his birthday but you are struggling financially. Tell him you love him.

Life is too short to fall out with people over something this small.

We've all been disappointed with presents, only the childish or senile would make a fuss about it, to be honest.

You can't put an email on the mantlepiece, or in a box to look at later. Or save it so your grandchildren when they clear your house after you've died know you loved them enough to keep it. This stuff matters to people of your father's age.

I havent read all the thread! Sorry. But could you print the photo you sent on photo paper and find a reasonable price frame. Late, yes but presumably your dad is very fond of his GD. That might emphasise the apology better than another email.

As you are really cutting costs, why not explain to father that you will not be sending birthday cards or giving presents at birthdays and Xmas and this applies to all adult friends and relatives. Will prevent a lot of I'll feeling. Of course you have to carry through with everyone not just your Father

Amazed at all the people saying not sending a card is shitty. Really??! Who gives a shit about getting a card in the post on your birthday or not??! The OP did send him a card - by email, what the hell is wrong with that???? I assume those of you moaning still communicate with your mates by handwritten notes as opposed to SMS, whatsapp, email, or - heaven-forbid, Facebook?? It’s the 21st century FFS. Grow the F up.

OP YANBU. He’s being a tit.

Ps. And Yes. Am hormonal and raging today in case anyone wonders why I sound like I need a hug.

My mum always tells me not to buy her anything, but I don’t listen and get her something anyway. Then we have a 5 minute mini argument about how she said not to get anything, I tell her to get over it and we carry on.

What a spoiled brat he's being. Get him no Christmas present next time.

Sorry but an “email card” wtf? It’s like seeing a Facebook meme and ‘there you go happy birthday’. Make a card or even write on a piece of paper “Happy birthday dad, love you have a great day”. At least paper he can keep and isn’t virtual. My sons dad has every card/note etc he had ever sent to his dad before passing. What’s he gonna do with an email that’ll get lost after a week of junk mail coming through! Maybe next year put more thought into it or better yet put a penny in a jar every week and not only pay for the card put also postage

How would you feel in years to come if your children did that to you ?

He is feeling neglected so make a bit of an effort.
Go and give him a hug, you are trying to find excuses or validation for how you have reacted in you past, some valid. Accept you have not been an attentive daughter and put it right.

Christmas and birthday cards mean more to some people than to others. But it isn't right that he punished you in such a childish way, and also made his DGD miss out. He knows that you're in debt. He should care more that you're free of debt as you have a DD to take care of and not worry about you spending money on presents and cards for him. He just sounds very selfish.

Mydiet why not ask OP if her dad is an 'attentive' father?

All this 'accept you have not been an attentive daughter'', 'go and give him a hug' stuff is such misogynistic bullshit.

It was the same crap on the thread with the OP whose parents lost her 4yo. It's all about comforting and placating the parents, and these posters never ask what kind of people the parents actually are.

Be a good little girl, OP, to your poor dad, OP.

I think you should have made an affront for his birthday though

Your dad was unreasonable for not liking his present. He should realise you're paying bills and can't afford much, unless you haven't told him.

But a birthday email and no card? That's rude too. You may not like cards, other people do. Your opinion does not matter when it's someone's birthday sorry. A card doesn't cost much. And if it seems impersonal, you can always write a message inside it. There's plenty of space on most of them. Doesn't have to be just to and from.

It wasn't about the cost of the Christmas present though, it was the lack of thought and effort. Same as the birthday email.

Your dad is obviously hurt at what he sees as your lack of thought, however you try to justify your actions. A card, a visit, a homemade cake, popping in with a bag of donuts would have made his day. As for the £10 gift voucher for Xmas? Really? £10 can buy a gift bag packed full of his favourite sweets, a pre mixed G&T, some socks, anything really that shows you have chosen with care. One of the presents that my late Father appreciated more than any others was a nice box packed full of bags of his favourite sweets like milk bottles, flying saucers, toffees, cost less than a tenner. Just give it some thought, these things can be bought with the weekly shop, don't need a special trip. Just show him you love him, not much to ask, even if you are poorly, or skint.