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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad has fallen out with me over "crap" Xmas present

176 replies

lilly0 · 26/02/2018 08:03

I dropped into my dad's house yesterday he was watching the football he seemed a bit grumpy with me , I haven't seen him much since Xmas maybe twice (this isn't usual for me) just been very busy as OH is working away and with work and looking after DD everything is a bit hectic.
Every penny I've been earning has been going on debt repayments I'm determined to be debt free , I spent mostly on the kids and got little tidbits for adults my dad has a good job, paid his house off. My dad started going on at me because I apparently bought him a crap Christmas gift , it was his birthday and I sent him a birthday email instead of card, he kicked off saying I spent nothing on him my Xmas gift was rubbish and I didn't get him a card that's why he hasn't come round to visit me and DD
AIBU to think my dad is rude and pathetic ? He earns much more than I do , I'm skint and well parents you know are supposed to to understand , In-laws would never be so rude to say that.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 26/02/2018 08:26

I think if you know your dad likes a card then just bloody well but him and one, especially if it will stop him acting like a three year old!

Regarding the present, again he’s acting like a very young child. It’s quite pathetic for a grown adult to behave like this.

Olga81 · 26/02/2018 08:27

An email with a photo of his grandchild is far more personal than a generic greeting card imo.

chocatoo · 26/02/2018 08:29

He is hurt that you didn’t give him a card. I think you are quite unusual not liking cards!
By pruning back on his Xmas present (for a good reason which I’m sure he would understand), not seeing him as much as usual and then not sending a birthday card you have made him feel that he is not important to you. I would expect to give my parents a card and a telephone call (and a present) on their birthday.
You are being unreasonable and I feel a bit sorry for your Dad.

isthismummy · 26/02/2018 08:31

Surely nobody out there could possibly think an email was more personal than a card though? Nothing says "thinking of you" more than a collection of pixelsConfused

notapizzaeater · 26/02/2018 08:31

I don't like cards either, pain in the arse, cluttering the place up and cost money, BUT I always send them as I realise my views aren't everyone else's and I know my mum and sister love a card.

Bluelady · 26/02/2018 08:33

Clearly an email isn't more personal to OP's dad, that's the whole point.

glitterelf · 26/02/2018 08:33

An email for his birthday is shitty as others have said you could've made him a card with your daughter. I love getting a card and appreciate a card over token gifts. My birthday is a shitty time of year and I'm still pissed off that my sister couldn't be bothered to get me a card so I certainly won't be making the big fuss of her birthday like I did last year.

chocatoo · 26/02/2018 08:33

Ps ragwort my parents say all that too, and I am sure they mean it about not spending too much on them. However, they wouldn’t be very happy if I didn’t send a card...they probably wouldn’t say anything but I know they would be hurt.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/02/2018 08:37

I once forgot my mothers birthday. I’d just moved countries. Again. And the move, sorting out, starting a new life again meant that I didn’t see the date slipping up on me. Instead of being and adult and calling me up, my brother called me and told me I’d forgotten that evening so I immediately called her. She bitched on about how I obviously mean nothing to her, all she wanted was a card. This went on for years.

It’s really not you, it’s him. I understand he may have preferred a card to an email. But you spent the same amount of time sorting out the email as you would have a card and the same sentiment was there it just was electronic not physical. As for the Christmas present. I’ve stopped spending circa £100 because whatever I give is never good enough. Your father should be right behind you on your debts.

Zaphodsotherhead · 26/02/2018 08:38

It depends if he's usually demanding.

I have a friend whose father insists (quite forceably) that he is sent a card that is different to all the other cards she's sent him, with a verse, that must be sweet, long and not sickly. He's in his seventies and has kept all the other cards to compare (to make sure she doesn't send the same one twice).

He's controlling all round. If your dad is usually not like this, it may be that he feels undervalued (has he helped you out a lot?) If this is the case, I think a big 'unbirthday' card might be in order. If, like my friend's dad, he's generally a controlling tosser, ignore him.

beachygirl · 26/02/2018 08:39

But what did you give him for Christmas? Was it really bad?

saladdays66 · 26/02/2018 08:42

It sounds as if you don't like him much, OP.
What did you get him for Xmas?
And have you always sent him birthday emails instead of cards? or was this the first time?

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 08:42

Oh give over OP. You say you send cards to your niece and nephew then you can send a card to your dad. Although a few weeks ago we had to tell you where you could buy a card at 10am on a Sunday morning because you were going to niece's party that day and hadn't sorted out the card or present yet. And don't give us that your inlaws wouldn't be so rude as your dad because you've previously said your MIL was "batshit". And what's with you being skint so that you struggle to buy a half decent present for your parents but would have no problem finding money for a holiday at Xmas which is along with school summer holidays the most expensive time of the year. No reason to be skint either bearing in mind your OH/DP is a private landlord. Flog that property and stop being skint then.

Notasunnybunny · 26/02/2018 08:44

Most dads are happy with a few beers or a box of Thornton’s toffee and a card. It’s about making him feel cared about not the price. You don’t do cards but you are naive to think the older generation feel the same, to some people this piece of card with a picture on will mean a lot. I think the Christmas present has only come up because your lack of care seems to be spiralling downwards. At Christmas a token gift (was it really crap?) and for birthday an email.
I tell my parents not to do Christmas gifts for me and I just get them something as a gesture, think tin of biscuits or similar. Is your dad with someone? If one of my parents were widowed I would put much more emphasis on their gift/s as mine would now be their main Christmas present. Currently they buy for each other but one day that will be my job.

Quaza · 26/02/2018 08:44

Wow, how petty of him. Do people really get insulted because they don't get a birthday card. I'm glad my family aren't like that.

logicalmum · 26/02/2018 08:44

He is being ridiculous. My dh is the opposite with my grownup kids. He's always telling them not to waste money on him, that he has everything he needs. I can understand him being a bit annoyed at the lack of a card but certainly not to that extreme.

BadLad · 26/02/2018 08:53

ShatnersWig crucifying the OP.Grin

Peanutbuttercheese · 26/02/2018 08:57

Have you explained to your Dad why the change in behaviour, the no card and the less visiting? As much as he was off with you does he have any idea? My favourite items given to me on my birthday are the homemade cards that both DH and DS give me.

Plus in all this his financial status is totally irrelevant.

SparklyMagpie · 26/02/2018 08:59

😂😂 ShatnersWig

So what have you done every year in regards to your dad's birthday? Have you never got him a card?

I also don't understand why you wouldn't get your daughter to make him one??

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2018 08:59

I agree with what's been said about you not making the effort.

Does he live alone? Its nice to think that someone is thinkers ng about you.

You can start to feel a bit defunct as you age, your children not even making an effort puts the top hat on it.

I hate cards, I'm minimal and don't like the environmental impact, but I send cards to those, especially older relatives that I know like them.

This may not be about the card/present, but how he's feeling. Personally I would explore that with him.

Those saying that they just wouldn't put up with this, rather than talk about it, explains why there is so much depression in later life.

claraschu · 26/02/2018 08:59

Lots of parents probably have trouble saying: "I feel like you don't love me that much and are too busy with your own future to remember the past life that we shared. I am feeling old and a bit lonely sometimes. Please take the time to remember me". Lots of people also get really confused and think money=love. Then they do stupid things like get offended because someone forgot a card, or sad that their engagement ring isn't expensive enough, or act ungrateful over a poorly chosen gift.

Is it possible that your dad just is feeling a bit unloved and expressing it badly because it is mortifying to feel this way?

SparklyMagpie · 26/02/2018 09:00

BadLad I know 😂😂 brilliant

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 09:04

Bad and Sparkly Sorry, I know it's frowned upon but it pisses me off when people have a bugbear or issue over something - possibly even with justification - but then feel the need to add extra details almost in an attempt to ensure that they get the answer they want.

SparklyMagpie · 26/02/2018 09:08

Hey don't apologise to me ShatnersWig your post gave me a good laugh Grin

I know what you mean though

pringlecat · 26/02/2018 09:09

My parents don't care about presents. They do however get massively upset if they don't get real cards through the post or in person. Like you, I learned the hard way - I don't really like getting cards as they're one more thing for me to throw out, but to my parents, they're very important!