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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad has fallen out with me over "crap" Xmas present

176 replies

lilly0 · 26/02/2018 08:03

I dropped into my dad's house yesterday he was watching the football he seemed a bit grumpy with me , I haven't seen him much since Xmas maybe twice (this isn't usual for me) just been very busy as OH is working away and with work and looking after DD everything is a bit hectic.
Every penny I've been earning has been going on debt repayments I'm determined to be debt free , I spent mostly on the kids and got little tidbits for adults my dad has a good job, paid his house off. My dad started going on at me because I apparently bought him a crap Christmas gift , it was his birthday and I sent him a birthday email instead of card, he kicked off saying I spent nothing on him my Xmas gift was rubbish and I didn't get him a card that's why he hasn't come round to visit me and DD
AIBU to think my dad is rude and pathetic ? He earns much more than I do , I'm skint and well parents you know are supposed to to understand , In-laws would never be so rude to say that.

OP posts:
rocketgirl22 · 26/02/2018 09:10

You could have sent him a card and included a box of chocolates for his birthday, both aren't very much.

The comment from him is offensive re christmas gift

Send a sorry box of chocs, and explain to him about your debts and your worries, I am sure he will understand, and if he doesn't that his problem he is just being silly.

ThePants999 · 26/02/2018 09:10

The whole idea of being "thoughtful" and "personal" is that you think about what's valuable and important to THEM. If you apply your own preferences and standards, you've failed at the first hurdle. So if someone's a card person (and my dad is too), you get them a card, no matter what you think of cards!

Bluelady · 26/02/2018 09:10

Made me laugh too.

GnotherGnu · 26/02/2018 09:10

You may not like cards, but obviously other people do and you need to factor that in. I agree that what he minds about is the minimal effort you are making, both in terms of visiting and acknowledging birthdays and Christmas. Your respective finances are irrelevant to that. I suggest you make an effort to visit more often, starting immediately with a visit to clear the air and explain your thinking. And, whatever you do, don't go in all defensive and aggressive with stuff about how well off he is.

Original poster
lilly0 · 26/02/2018 09:12

Combing through my posts you would know I have a neurological condition that I was diagnosed with last July which is very fun and I had to stop work for a while hence the debt, I'm paying it off albeit aggressively so yes I gave my dad a £10 gift card , I have been forgetful and foggy brained at the minute I'm just 100 percent focusing on looking after DD and going to work little things which might seem not a lot for most people but it's a lot for me , in conclusion I was a bit tight not getting a card hardly anyone shares my views about cards so I will buy one.

OP posts:
MrsElvis · 26/02/2018 09:14

Your email sounds nice. Obviously cards are important to him (!) and I guess you could have written the nice thoughts in a 10p card instead.

However if one of my D.C. were clearing debt I would be the first to insist they buy me nothing and he should be championing this not moaning he didn't get enough

Castieldeansam · 26/02/2018 09:15

I'm with you OP, I'm not keen on cards and count down the days till I can take them down, but I do send them as they matter to other people. As far as him complaint about his Christmas present after his birthday non card, sounds like he's feeling like an after thought, and maybe, if you can you should invite him round for dinner.

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 09:17

lilly Not sure how much debt you accrued in those few months but you have a DP. It is your joint problem not yours. Why wasn't he covering for a few months? If things really are that bad, why aren't you both selling his property that he rents out as a private landlord?

OnTheRise · 26/02/2018 09:21

A card or an email is a nice thing to do for a birthday but they are not obligatory. It was kind of you to take the trouble that you did, and the gift card was generous as you are struggling with debt.

If your father had a problem with this then he should have spoken to you about it straight away. The fact that he's chosen to be bad-tempered and unpleasant to you shows that he's being manipulative and controlling.

Your father is being unreasonable and petulant. Leave him to get over it.

MsGameandWatching · 26/02/2018 09:22

Christmas present, fine. Birthday card mean and a bit shit. I'm not big on fanfare on my birthday but I know some people like to get a card, it means a lot to them so I make the effort. My ex never bothered with other people's special occasions citing the reasons you have here. It was just because he couldn't be arsed. Cards are impersonal and meaningless to you but not to your Dad. Make the effort.

fusushumi · 26/02/2018 09:31

I'm amused OP because your problem is exactly the opposite of mine! I enjoy choosing gifts & cards for people but my Dad is always incredibly ungracious in the way he accepts them. In recent years he has said he wants NO acknowledgement of his birthday at all - no cards, presents, cake - nothing. So I now do this though I find it hard.

expatinscotland · 26/02/2018 09:31

Your dad's a spoilt twat. Let him sulk. All these people who expect a card, what a waste of paper! Just goes in the bin. Can't believe so many people set such store by such waste. Or pout when their bloody birthday isn't celebrated with fanfare, especially by skint people, are you 10? Get over it!

He's an emotionally blackmailing git. When he said that's why he didn't visit you and DD, I'd have said, 'That's a pity. Oh, well.' If he wants to shoot himself in the foot because of his greediness, let him.

Bluelady · 26/02/2018 09:35

Ah, the Christmas present was a voucher. Same deal then, crap not because of what it cost but because no thought whatsoever went into it. It's beginning to look as if you have form for not making any effort, OP. None of this about money , it's about lack of thought and effort. I'm not surprised he's hurt and disappointed.

KitKat1985 · 26/02/2018 09:35

Well, I can see both sides to be honest. I doubt his upset is really to do with the present. I suspect he is hurt as he feels you don't care about him much having not visited much or even sent him a card on his birthday. There's nothing wrong with a gift card as a present per se, but it's a bit impersonal for one of your closest family members. In can be quite upsetting for parents of adult children to have spent nearly 20 years raising a child and then they hardly ever hear from them once they grow up.

Maybe try and make a bit more effort to visit or phone more regularly? And hand-make him something as a present in future if money is a bit tight (a homemade cake or something)?

nobutreally · 26/02/2018 09:42

Look, I'm not keen on cards in general: they clutter up the place and area a waste of paper. But even I'd still be hurt if my kids didn't bother (& no, an email wouldn't cut it - despite generally being an e-friendly person).
And I certainly appreciate that cards are much more important for those older than me, for whom electronic communication still feels 'not proper'. I suspect you are right that this is partly an age thing, but y'know, that doesn't make him wrong and you right. It's such a little, cheap thing that's important to him - you really can't make this about not having enough money unless you are really, really struggling. I think you need to recognise you were wrong on this call - and apologise to your dad.

Purplejay · 26/02/2018 09:44

You gave your dad a £10 gift card for christmas? Most people can come up with gifts of that sort of value with little effort that at least look like they have put some thought in. Beer, chocs, toiletries, plant, framed photo or whatever. I also think you should have seen him on his birthday if possible and definitely given a card with a token gift. Its not about spending a lot or that he can afford to buy stuff himself, its about letting him know you care. If you can’t afford much that’s fine. If you usually visit more, send cards and buy gifts and especially if he is feeling lonely, you can really see why he would be upset. YABU.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 26/02/2018 09:44

Does your Dad always act like a twat rather than just tell you he’s upset?

As an aside, I’m surprised you’re allowed to be in a HA place and be a Private Landlord. That seems like having your cake and eating it too?!

NotSoSprightly · 26/02/2018 09:47

What a baby.

Birdsgottafly · 26/02/2018 09:49

Also, OP, you said you asked your DP for his opinion, but last year you were posting about how selfish he was and how lacking in intimacy your relationship was.

You've been unwell, has he managed to convince you (grind you down) into thinking that he has got it right and you (and others) are just needy?

ScattyCharly · 26/02/2018 09:54

It would make me want to vomit if my in-debt grown up child felt they had to get me a present.

You are ill and in debt and a grown adult with their mortgage paid off wants a pwessy wessy. What a total twat.

My MiL says to us, please don’t spend any money on me, spend it on looking after the kids. Because she is a kind person with her priorities straight.

ShatnersWig · 26/02/2018 09:54

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HotelEuphoria · 26/02/2018 09:55

A bit childish about how much was spent, but your time doesn't cost anything.

DoraMilaje · 26/02/2018 09:56

but last year you were posting about how selfish he was and how lacking in intimacy your relationship was.

What on earth does that have to do with asking his opinion on this specific issue

Not sure why it's necessary for so many posters on this thread to start combing through OPs posting history in order to use it against her. Points can be made without slinging things in peoples faces. People post all sorts on MN when they're in the thick of whats going on at the time. No wonder people NC so frequently here if it's just going to be used against them every time they post.

gamerchick · 26/02/2018 09:56

Could you maybe try to inject some humour into it and buy a giant card for him? If he does have a sense of humour of course.

I have the opposite problem as my parents do the don’t bother thing. So one year I got the dad socks... a big black bag full all individually wrapped. It made him laugh and he’s been more helpful since when christmases and whatnot come along so he doesn’t have socks coming out of his ears Wink

Notasunnybunny · 26/02/2018 09:57

Yes a £10 gift card is a crap gift (for a parent/close family member) it screams couldn’t be bothered and tight at the same time. £100 gift cards says ‘I wanted you to choose something you’d really like’ £10 token gift says ‘it’s not about the money but I have put thought into choosing something’. What you gave said ‘I’m ticking the box with minimal effort and expense to the point of being offensive’
Apologise, explain that your condition has made being organised more challenging and then make more effort in future, ask dh to help remind you of things if you aren’t capable of keeping on top of stuff yourself. I’m sure companies like moon pig allow you to set birthday reminders and they will send a prompt.