Dad has fallen out with me over "crap" Xmas present

[lilly0]

I dropped into my dad's house yesterday he was watching the football he seemed a bit grumpy with me , I haven't seen him much since Xmas maybe twice (this isn't usual for me) just been very busy as OH is working away and with work and looking after DD everything is a bit hectic.
Every penny I've been earning has been going on debt repayments I'm determined to be debt free , I spent mostly on the kids and got little tidbits for adults my dad has a good job, paid his house off. My dad started going on at me because I apparently bought him a crap Christmas gift , it was his birthday and I sent him a birthday email instead of card, he kicked off saying I spent nothing on him my Xmas gift was rubbish and I didn't get him a card that's why he hasn't come round to visit me and DD
AIBU to think my dad is rude and pathetic ? He earns much more than I do , I'm skint and well parents you know are supposed to to understand , In-laws would never be so rude to say that.

Shatnerswig Buck3t Your dad is shit. We don't know the OP's dad is shit, just unhappy about what happened this year. You're projecting.
My dad is many things. But he is not shit. His behaviour around Christmas and presents is shit. Just so you don't get it twisted.

As you say I've projected my childish father onto this situation. And I myself noted that I'm basing my advice on my situation. However, bad treatment from a childish parent is bad treatment from a childish parent. So if he feels neglected by his daughter (which she herself says is recent because of this debt she is aggressively dealing with), he should say so. Not withhold his presence and then berate her.

She might have done something wrong in many people's eyes. I personally don't agree. But then I hold people's presence more important than presents anyway

Buck3t Your father is more than childish, in my opinion. He's at best a problem drinker or at worse an alcoholic and, as you've said previously, doesn't care about the problems his heaving drinking causes his family. I take that as shit but appreciate you might not. Apologies.

"busting your dad for half an hour on his birthday would cost nothing."

Sorry, but I don't know what this means. 'Busting' him?

He's an alcoholic and has his issues. He also takes his responsibility as a father quite seriously. He's the one who taught me that a real dad is present in their child's life regardless of what goes on with the mother of that child. That is not shit. He cooks, he cleans he has looked after all of five of his children (as he should). He lost a brother at 35 (cancer) and a daughter at 29 (heart failure) and he was also made homeless at 10 when his aunts kicked him out of the home after his grandmother died. So one aspect of his life is not remotely fantastic and it causes problems for us, it also makes him needy and a little bit pathetic oh and childish. But what it doesn't do. Is make him shit. It makes him complicated as hell. But not shit.

So I accept your apologies. But you are seriously f'd up if you needed to go through my posts (I know there aren't that many), to try and catch me out, in fact your insistence on doing so borders on harassment and is out of control. At least next time you look me up a big part of my father's life is right there for you to see.

Visiting I must’ve made a typo and got vistited by the autocorrect fairy.

@Shatnerswig. The one thing I didn't ask for is your opinion. But please see my message above. I forgot to tag you in.

I think a birthday email instead of a card is a bit mean. If he is generous to you and your family you should have bought him a decent Christmas present. Sounds as if he has cause for complaint.

Seriously you can't think of any little bits you could get for a tenner chocorabbit??

Tbh if you wasn't going to send a card I'd have filmed DD saying a birthday message or singing happy birthday. We couldn't see my dad and did this and he was over the moon,but we did send a card aswell
Surely that's more personal than an email?

@lilly0 the card (as others have pointed out about how inexpensive card factory is) can be filled with lots of writing. Just because others don't do it, doesn't mean you can't! DH's family never do but DH now does with me and them too. I'm not an oldie and I think a birthday email is taking the

That being said, about the gift he should understand getting out of debt is more important.

I share your views on cards, I open them and put them straight in the bin. Most of my family and friends have now picked up the hint.

BUT I always call them. Always.

I would never ever give my dad a £10 gift voucher. It really does scream unthoughtful. You don't need to spend much to be imaginative. You could make him a hamper of his favourite things. Choose him a book and a bottle of wine. I bought my mum some tap dancing lessons so she could try, they were £4, and the school made me a voucher. Surely there is a sports centre or something around you. Buy club etc etc offer great deals for all kinds of things. Check out the sales in advance.

I am genuinely skint, and refuse to buy clutter/tat just for the sake of buying them something. I would rather say 'For your birthday, I will take you out for fish and chips supper' etc.

It isn't about the money spent for me but it is very much the thought that counts.

Your dad's behaviour is like that of a bratty entitled child, but also, as a few people have said, you could have got a card for 29p, and a box of Dairy Milk or something - all for under a fiver.

Your dad's behaviour was out of order though. If my husband behaved like this towards my kids, I would go batshit at him.

Then again, he never would.

Does he have form for this kind of petulant behaviour?

I mean, he is entitled to be a bit miffed, but to behave like this is not on, and someone needs to tell him this. Does he know about your financial issues? Surely he should have some empathy???

Maybe you could try talking to him???

On another note.

As an aside, I’m surprised you’re allowed to be in a HA place and be a Private Landlord. That seems like having your cake and eating it too?!

I am pretty sure that having a social housing tenancy, and renting out a house you OWN, is NOT allowed.

I am willing to bet that the housing association doesn't know about the 'owned' property!

It seems to be the lack of thought and effort here. You may have been clearing Debts but there are more personal ways to spend a tenner. I bought some lovely hardback books under the second hand section of Amazon last Christmas. I bought an elderly relative a hardback BBC book on Victorian steam trains and accompanying DVD and I filled an big glass jar with a load of sweet shop sweet (poundland). He loved it and all those things came to 12 quid including postage. I bought my mum the hardback books of thr woman from Escape to the Chateau as she had enjoyed the series. Again less than a tenner and truly beautiful books. Another gift inolved roping in a teenager to photoshop my massive football fan brother holding up the FA cup of his beloved team. That was sits in a lovely frame from TIGER and was under a tenner.

It seems the voucher, the lack of visits and the birthday email equates to a lack of care and thought in his eyes. I don't really understand your rant about cards. That is all very well for you and your birthday but it wasn't your birthday. You may have had a lot on your plate but its effort that seems to be required here, not necessarily monetary value.

Are you the poster who told your dad to buy his Christmas present from you off the Xbox or PS store, then you were surprised that you were expected to pay for it?

If so then, maybe you need some sort of checklist to ensure that your present giving skills are at the very least passable.

If you’re not then apologies, your name sounded familiar.

I think a nice personal email with photos sounds nice.

However, I think the real issue is your dad's reaction, which was very rude. Regardless of how disappointed he was, to kick off about it is pretty poor behaviour. Especially if he knows you are prioritising repaying debts.

Neither party appears to have much emotional intelligence. Some people do "kick off" when they perceive others to have been thoughtless and uncaring. Not condoning it but it wasn't entirely unwarranted.

I only get my parents a small present and card because they don't like me spending money on them. If I forgot they don't mind

My husband didn't get me a card or present for my birthday-I was grumpy with him but guess that's different

Blooming heck! A £10 gift card for Christmas (was it even for something he was likely to spend on?); one visit a month since then, and then no birthday card or phone call? No wonder he was upset!

Put yourself in that position in thirty/forty/fifty years, OP - would you feel loved and cherished?

My dad refuses to let me buy him presents, I'm allowed to buy him one bag of sweets and that's it.
He says he can buy things he wants himself and would rather me not spend on him. He's been known to get grumpy when I have.
Don't get me wrong there are times I ignore him, my sister and I had a secret savings account for when our parents retired and sent them on Route 66 last year but now we have our own families he would rather us spend the money on them instead.

It's the other way for me I always get dad some thing for Christmas and birthday then we it comes to my birthday not even a happy birthday text. Worse thing is he lives in the same street as me.

Has no one picked up on the fact that OP's father has not seen his granddaughter for months because he is angry at the OP over christmas presents and birthday presents

I think he's acting like a big baby, but the punishing is grandchild cause he's angry with the parent just beggars belief.

Lampoon That's not totally accurate though. The OP has said she has seen her dad twice since Xmas, which could be once last month and once this month. As her OH is away, almost certainly her child must have been with her, so he has seen his granddaughter twice at his house, he's just not been round to theirs.

Couldn’t you have invited him for tea on his birthday?

I don't live in HA house anymore btw :) moved out last November assets were solely in his name now they aren't and joint part of the reason I left him in the first place.

And no I'd never buy my dad a gift from the Xbox store he doesn't own an Xbox and that would be stupid

lilly Left who? You don't say your ex-OH in your OP but your OH. Is the OH you mention a new bloke you've suddenly got together with in the last two months?