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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter snubbed invite

145 replies

lill72 · 25/02/2018 18:32

I take a girl in DD year to an after school club. The girls are not best buddies but definitely friendly. The mother of the girl is very vocal in not inviting my DD to birthday and a xmas party. I have just found out she invited a little girl to her party that left the school two years ago and haven't seen each other since. I just can't see the point of continuing to do this taking/dropping if she obviously doesn't think enough of DD to invite her. I feel a bit used to be honest and a bit hurt. What would you do?

OP posts:
ny20005 · 25/02/2018 18:35

Why do you take her dd ? Is it not a sharing thing ?

Dilligaf81 · 25/02/2018 18:36

She's a cf (the mother) and is using you. Does she reciprocate at all?

W0rriedMum · 25/02/2018 18:37

@lill72- if your DD cares about the snub, then stop the lift. Give your reason as X (her DD) not considering your DD a friend which is confusing for her as they go to this club together.

If your DD doesn't care at all, I'd continue with the lift if you want to, or not if you don't.

WishingOnABar · 25/02/2018 18:37

Why are you taking her dd? Is it a favour or is she paying you?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 25/02/2018 18:40

Very vocal?? I need more info, although it doesn't sound like yabu. Who is this woman?

ApacheEchidna · 25/02/2018 18:40

If the arrangement is reciprocal then I think it's OK for your dd not to be invited - the logistical arrangements between parents shouldn't dictate friendships.

If it's all give from you and all take from them then yanbu. The mum should have insisted that dd was invited as the least they could do for your kindness. Drop the arrangement and stop letting the cf walk over you.

HonkyWonkWoman · 25/02/2018 18:42

I would have to ask her face to face. Why she was not inviting your daughter to Birthday and the Xmas party if she thought it ok for her Dd to be ferried around to the after school club every week with your daughter.
Tell her that you think she is being very unfair and that she has hurt your feelings. And then tell us all what she says!

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 25/02/2018 18:44

What do you kean by „very vocal”?

I think it’s ok not to invite your DD but rude to talk about it! She’s entitled not to invite, you’re entitled to stop the arrangemebt as it’s clear the other little girl doesn’t like your DD Wink

Witchend · 25/02/2018 18:45

I suspect the invite for the girl who left the school is probably along the lines of :
Bumped into mum/grandma who said "oh yes, she still remembers everyone" type style and the invitation was given on the back of that. They're obviously in some sort of contact if an invite was given anyway.

Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 18:48

Sorry I should have explained that the mother brings my daughter home. so it is reciprocal.

she has been very vocal telling me that DD and another girl she drives home weren't going to a xmas party she organised even though other girks from.the same after school class were. limited numbers she said. bs. Then telling me last year she was so glad she could only invite 12 to the party then DD wasn't one of them. It is making my blood boil. the only reason I've even continued after Xmas was because it involves another mum who I didn't want to upset. but I've now had enough. she needs to know it is just not cool to treat people like this. she is a game player for sure. all the other mums would say same as they've said in as many words. everyone is scared of this woman!! So too nice to her also. ugh

OP posts:
Girlsworld92 · 25/02/2018 18:49

It's difficult....what's your relationship with the Mum like? I have Mum friends of kids that my dd doesn't want to come to her party & she also hasn't invited people to her party who have invited her to theirs as I have limited numbers. It feels a bit awkward to me as I provide childcare to some of these kids too (paid profession) but ultimately it's her birthday so I let her choose & we keep it low key. If people get upset they can talk to me about it but kids are fickle & friendships change quickly.
Is a bit odd that a girl she hasn't seen for so long was invited & that she is so open about it. I'd speak to her as it's quite insensitive x

Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 18:50

Yes fair enough witches but seems strange not to invite my DD over this girl given the circumstances. I drove a little boy to a class and invited him to DD party as a friendly gesture. think that s how it should be.

OP posts:
Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 18:50

I should mention thst DD is in year two

OP posts:
WishingOnABar · 25/02/2018 18:52

If the lift sharing is reciprocated then that is fair. She isnt obligated to include your DD, especially if the girls arent very close. However, it is certainly unkind if she or the daughter are openly talking about the parties and your dd not being invited in your / her presence, and is worth rethinking your arrangement if it is only upsetting you or your dd

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/02/2018 18:53

Stop doing the lifts if it's upsetting you that DD isn't invited to anything. The other mum obviously doesn't think she's doing anything wrong here.

Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 18:54

Well my relationship is good or was good until now (from my part) we ve had a few coffees which she has asked me to. All seems game playing to me - get me on side even though I don't like your DD cause I want to be queen of the playground- what I imagine she is thinking. I dont want to tell her how I think but more infer it by the action.of cancelling the arrangement. I can't be nice to this woman any longer.

OP posts:
FrancisCrawford · 25/02/2018 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/02/2018 18:57

I’d do precisely nothing. You have a lift share arrangement that benefits both of you. It has nothing to do with parties.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/02/2018 18:58

Then just stop it & go and collect your DD from her activity yourself.

It’s such a non issue.

SisterMoonshine · 25/02/2018 18:59

The thing with lift shares is you don't want to end up in a position where you're forcing the DCs into friendships.

DatingLife · 25/02/2018 19:00

I'd retire gracefully somehow and make some other arrangements. Why people would recommend a confrontation over this is just bizarre! Some really odd advice on MN at times.

DeathStare · 25/02/2018 19:00

It seems like you are over-reacting to me. The lift-sharing is a convenient arrangement between the parents. It doesn't mean the children have to be best buddies.

Children should invite their closest friends to their party. And it's not up to you to decide who should or shouldn't be closer friend to her child.

I wonder what her perspective is on talking about it front of the children? Maybe she thinks she's explaining it to them so there won't be any upset. Maybe just have a word and ask her to not mention it again.

I certainly don't see how it could be game-playing though. TBH if you cancelled lifts because of it that could be seen as game playing as it seems a bit like the lifts are contingent are party invites.

MadMags · 25/02/2018 19:00

If the lift share is working for you then continue it.

Don’t invite her dd to parties, keep it about the lifts?

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2018 19:03

It doesent matter if tge lifts are reciprocal, she sounds nasty and childish rubbing your face in it and gloating about not inviting your dd. Just have some decency and keep quiet. I coukd nit tolerate this nonesence, and stop the lifts and meet up with her.

Whinberry · 25/02/2018 19:09

I wouldn't expect or offer a party invite on the basis of a lift share. For a lift share I want to feel my dc is safe in the other adults care, will be treated respectfully, and my dc gets on tolerably with their dc. It doesn't sound like she is treating your dc respectfully given the way she is talking about the parties so I would stop lift sharing.