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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Daughter snubbed invite

145 replies

lill72 · 25/02/2018 18:32

I take a girl in DD year to an after school club. The girls are not best buddies but definitely friendly. The mother of the girl is very vocal in not inviting my DD to birthday and a xmas party. I have just found out she invited a little girl to her party that left the school two years ago and haven't seen each other since. I just can't see the point of continuing to do this taking/dropping if she obviously doesn't think enough of DD to invite her. I feel a bit used to be honest and a bit hurt. What would you do?

OP posts:

Original poster

lill72 · 25/02/2018 20:01

Cow - pretty tricky. but after Easter she can't do it as her DD is moving classes. thank goodness. but I am not sure I can last til then.

Nancy yes we have had her over but not for a while. I felt very judged when DD went to her house and felt snubbed so could not be bothered.

OP posts:

callmekitten · 25/02/2018 20:03

I’d do precisely nothing. You have a lift share arrangement that benefits both of you. It has nothing to do with parties.

this

The lift-sharing is a convenient arrangement between the parents. It doesn't mean the children have to be best buddies.

and this

MsHarry · 25/02/2018 20:11

You have an agreement of lift sharing. You say the girls are not best buddies. I don't see why you would expect an invitation because of the lift sharing. Maybe your'e a bit full-on and she senses this. Is your DD the same?

MsHarry · 25/02/2018 20:12

Sound like they don't get on and neither do you so leave it. Not everyone can be friends with everyone.

frasier · 25/02/2018 20:17

OP doesn't have a liftshare that "benefits both parties" though. The woman is being rude, that is not a benefit and it is not worth saving a bit of petrol over. What if she says something to DD when alone bringing her home and DD takes it to heart.

The woman sounds vile, I wouldn't want her near my child.

MsHarry · 25/02/2018 20:18

The sharing of lifts is of mutual benefit. End.

frasier · 25/02/2018 20:22

I don't understand putting up with rudeness to save a bit of money or petrol or time when there is a choice! If the OP didn't have any other option, if her DD couldn't attend unless the nasty woman was involved, the that is a different decision. Bit that isn't the case I don't think. Stop doing her a favour, she'll stop doing you one, end of story. My only advice is keep it amicable! You're in control, she doesn't need punishing, if she then has a problem with lifts herself, hard luck, she shouldn't be snide and will have to find someone else to put up with her scapegoating. If everyone acted like that, she may even learn something!

Lizzie48 · 25/02/2018 20:22

I don't see why this other mum needs to even tell you about a party that your DD isn't invited to. That does seem unkind. Obviously she doesn't have to invite your DD, but why make you feel bad about it?

It probably would be best if this arrangement didn't continue.

frasier · 25/02/2018 20:23

MsHarry Only in as much as saving time and petrol. What price bring a doormat? lol! The OP doesn't want to do it any more and I think she's right. "End" lol!

Headofthehive55 · 25/02/2018 20:27

The lifts as I see it are for your benefit otherwise you would have to do both ways. I see doing the lifts a favour for my friends. And no my child often isn't friends with the other liftee!

Original poster

lill72 · 25/02/2018 20:47

Frasier yes it's a bit how I feel - a doormat or a fool. Hard to be nice when I know the party was yesterday. Dread any interaction with her

OP posts:

frasier · 25/02/2018 20:54

Then don't even try to stick it out until Easter. You might say something you regret! Don't flounce, just call off the arrangement. Life is too short to spend time being with or worrying about people we don't like. Find someone nice to lift share with, have fun, be happy!

Rainbunny · 25/02/2018 21:19

Well I think it all hinges on how your DD feels about this? If she isn't very bothered I would inclined to let the lift arrangement stand. Stopping the arrangement is a sure way to send the message to this woman that she has the power to upset you so much. I certainly wouldn't interact with her beyond the lift thing though.

I'd treat this is as a life lesson for your DD, some people are simply unpleasant and seem to enjoy going through life deliberately putting others down and excluding them just to boost their own ego. As someone famous once said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them!" Your DD is better off maintaining some distance from the other girl given how her mother behaves (I would feel a bit sorry for the other girl though if she nice herself). Can you plan a special day out/treat for your DD for the same day as this party? That way your DD will have something to look forward to and not care while this woman drones on about the party.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2018 21:20

The lift is only benificial if both parties are happy, which one is not. Op does not have to carry on the lift arrangement with thus dreadful woman. Just say the arrangement is nit working for you.

BlueMirror · 25/02/2018 21:22

She can only have 12 children and your dd wasn’t chosen. Get over it op. The fact that you share lifts to make life easier as parents doesn’t mean either of you owe each other anything. If you had been the only one providing lifts a courtesy invitation would have been nice. But that’s not the case.

frasier · 25/02/2018 21:25

BlueMirror But it's NOT making the OP's life better! Have you actually read her posts?! She is dreading seeing the woman. It is making her life worse.

Lizzie48 · 25/02/2018 21:27

@BlueMirror the issue is that the other mum was gloating about not inviting the OP's DD. Why did she even need to mention the party at all?

frasier · 25/02/2018 21:27

Plus BlueMirror it is very rude and unempathetic to tell someone to "get over it" when they are clearly upset. You don't sound a very nice person, I would stop lift sharing with you instantly!

SouthWestmom · 25/02/2018 21:36

Hmm I don't know:

I have friends whose kids I don't invite to parties but as part of general chit chat I will moan about parties etc. Just because they are the same age/school doesn't mean they inherit my friendships.

Aeroflotgirl · 25/02/2018 21:37

Op issue is not about her dd not being invited to the parties, she does not care, it's tge gloating, and rubbing op face in it, and her judgy way with her dd that is the problem. Life is too short for that none sense.

ScruffbagsRUs · 25/02/2018 21:39

If I was you OP, I'd stop the lifts and tell her exactly why. But then I'm too old to be telling anyone anything but the truth about their behaviour.

This woman may well be a bully, but I would hazard a guess and say that once you stand up to her, others may see fit to do the same. If you want to be polite about it, tell her that the arrangement doesn't work for you any more, and if she asks what has changed, tell her that it's very personal circumstances that you aren't going to go into. If she tries to bully you into keeping the arrangement, keep repeating that it isn't working for you and you won't be continuing the arrangement.

You don't have to justify yourself to her.

BlueMirror · 25/02/2018 21:41

In which case stop the lifts. Since she has described the woman as vile it’s a wonder the arrangement ever happened.
But you’re not entitled to a party invitation ahead of the b’day childs actual friends because your mum does one way of a lift share for an activity.
The mum ‘rubbing it in’ seems to be her explaining about numbers presumably when the party came up in conversation. She didn’t go ‘ner ner ner ner ner you’re not invited!’
My kids don’t get invited to every party. They get invited to plenty and realise people have budgets and can’t invite everyone. If kids can understand that then adults can imo.

BlueMirror · 25/02/2018 21:45

And if you’re upset because your child hasn’t been invited to the party of someone she isn’t particularly good friends with then you do need to get over it because you’re only going to upset your child by making them think they were entitled to an invitation and have been left out.

frasier · 25/02/2018 21:50

OP isn't upset because child hasn't been invited to a party lol!

Lizzie48 · 25/02/2018 21:53

@BlueMirror the OP has said she doesn't need to know. And why does this woman keep telling her about parties the OP's DD isn't invited to? I've never had other children's mums tell me they're not inviting my DDs to their parties. Why is there any need to know about a party you're not invited to, or the reasons why?

It does suggest the other mum is rubbing her nose in it.

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