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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Daughter snubbed invite

145 replies

lill72 · 25/02/2018 18:32

I take a girl in DD year to an after school club. The girls are not best buddies but definitely friendly. The mother of the girl is very vocal in not inviting my DD to birthday and a xmas party. I have just found out she invited a little girl to her party that left the school two years ago and haven't seen each other since. I just can't see the point of continuing to do this taking/dropping if she obviously doesn't think enough of DD to invite her. I feel a bit used to be honest and a bit hurt. What would you do?

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upsideup · 25/02/2018 19:10

I share club pick ups and drop off with lots of other parents, our children are not best friends so we dont make a huge effort to invite eachothers children places over their actual friends.
The deals fair as it is, you drive them there and she drives them back, no need for her to invite your dd everywhere also.

Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 19:14

aetofleet I tend to agree..i just want to stop the arrangement as feel like she us floating about it all and doesn't approve of my daughter so why should this all continue. it just involves my friend but im.gking to chat to her..i coukd confront her but she is a bully I think and will stamp me down
she will have some good excuse so I'll look like the fool. a silent protest is best. she is a game player for lots of reasons I won't go into but she tries to pit people against each other..ugh. no one else is like this

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Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 19:15

Ps The mum does not e.g..this stuff in front of dD and DD does not care. but ive never had multiple non invires to things. i dont need to bloody kmoe.

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Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 19:16

She soeaks to my dd in a way that is very judgemental - feels it s ok to tell her off. even when im.right there..her daughter is perfect of course.

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Temporaryanonymity · 25/02/2018 19:20

This all sounds terribly dramatic. I suspect you are hugely overthinking this.

Looneytune253 · 25/02/2018 19:22

Sorry but I think yabu. You help each other out with lifts (as is sensible) but that doesn’t mean the children are friends. I’ve always had this kind of relationship with other mums but they are not in my friendship circle and the children aren’t necessarily either. I wouldn’t take it to heart.

barbsbarbs · 25/02/2018 19:25

its hard not to feel hurt over your child not being invited to parties, but as a mother of four teenagers who has been through the whole dynamics of their child not being invited and the whole party thing, please just move on from it. My son who is 16 now was rarely invited to parties because he is ADHD and was quite lively (to say the least) I learnt to get a thick skin over it and it was heartbreaking, However he has a great social life now and tons of friends. It seemed I had been more affected than him. Ill never forget one summer, when I took my kids to a soft play area and right there in the soft play area was practically the whole class there for a party in my sons class. It felt pretty awful.!!!

frasier · 25/02/2018 19:29

I would stop the lift share as you obviously resent it and may say something you regret one day. But, stop it in a way that you don't burn your bridges. Tell her that you can no longer do it because attending will be haphazard from now on and you don't know when you'll be able to attend so you are going to just look after yourself. (If you take another child as well then you'll have to think of something else, but you get the idea.) That way, you don't make an enemy, just keep her at arms distance.

BewareOfDragons · 25/02/2018 19:31

I would stop the lift sharing immediately.

Find someone else to lift share with or pick up your DD yourself

She sounds vile.

frasier · 25/02/2018 19:32

You obviously don't like her attitude (she sounds rude so I'm not surprised!) and majes you feel bad, so just stop the lift share. Life is too short! I do think you should do it passively though. She sounds like the type who would land you in it with others, so just smile and walk away. No harm, no foul :)

Lashalicious · 25/02/2018 19:32

Op, I think you have sized up this odious woman very well. I know a woman very much like what you are describing. It is best to cut her off completely. Do it now and do not explain to her or try to reason with her or ask why she is doing this. She will only use it as ammunition against you. In fact, if you dare to even distance yourself quietly she will make up things to pit everyone else against you.

You are her designated scapegoat. She probably talks about you to the other mutual moms and she enjoys having this relationship with you, where you do things for her and she gets to cut you and your dd down to your face. You probably are giving her much enjoyment each day. She gets her kicks from doing it and it’s based on some kind of jealousy, envy, and/or resentment of you. You can take that to the bank.

Cut her off. Continue taking your friend’s child but stop with her. If you want, tell her and -very important- tell the other mom why. Because she cuts down your daughter and give that very specific example. It’s important to tell the other friend because this woman will turn it all around on your and give her twisted version. Just tell the truth and be done and move on. It won’t take more than 5 minutes. Or, simply cut her off and try to shake off the flack she will cause afterwards. Good luck, I can’t stand bully women like that!

Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 19:37

Lash - she treats the other friend and get daughter the same. she does not like either of our DD s . I have told my friend I would have stopped the arrangement if it wasn't for her but I've now had enough.

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Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 19:39

Frasier- totally agree.

Barbs - Thanks for the advice from someone who has been through it all before. is good to hear from.ecpetienced mums. Sorry you had bad experiences eith your son. it s a tough world this party world isn't it.

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BlueMirror · 25/02/2018 19:39

YABU. The lifts make things easier for both of you but if you want to stop them then stop - it will only be an extra journey for you.
Being ‘very vocal’ sounds like the mum explaining that numbers are limited so your dd doesn’t find out later and think it was underhand. If they aren’t close does you’re dd even care? It sounds as though they are 2 children who happen to go to the same activity and their parents have arranged lift share Confused

AJPTaylor · 25/02/2018 19:40

So you and nice mum come to an arrangement and tell not nice mum you no longer want to lift share.

Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 19:42

Blue yes but it s a bit more complicated. She is always trying to make you feel bad telling you great things about herself or about what she s doing or who is coming over. Once when my DD was five I have her DD an invite and saud it was a small party and she most said with glee 'as long as my DD is invited' sums it all up to me really. she is the most vile mum at the school.

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BlueMirror · 25/02/2018 19:48

Well if you think she’s vile surely that’s reason enough to stop the lifts?

SpareASquare · 25/02/2018 19:49

All seems game playing to me - get me on side even though I don't like your DD cause I want to be queen of the playground- what I imagine she is thinking. I dont want to tell her how I think but more infer it by the action.of cancelling the arrangement

You think she's 'game playing' so you'll game play her right back Confused
Honestly, in light of the above post, YOU sound like the problem. Looks to me that you are overthinking in a big way and maybe reading into things in a way that suits your narrative.

Do both of you a favour and stop the lifts

BackforGood · 25/02/2018 19:49

YABVU
I've had many lift share arrangements over the years. Lift shares are for the convenience of parents - for the parents to help each other out. They are not for either parent to dictate to their child's friends are.
There is no way I would have expected any of my dc to invite someone to their party because it was convenient for me to do some lift sharing with their parents. they are two completely separate things.

Lashalicious · 25/02/2018 19:50

lill, definitely just you and the nice mom carry on and let the awful one go, as AJP says.

Remember that it’s not about your dd, or the dd of the other nice mom, it’s some kind of ill will toward you, and the other mom for some reason. I’m a little surprised that she is treating you both that way, I didn’t realize that until you said in your last post. Usually a manipulative person will pick a scapegoat and get the other people to side with her against the one person. Hopefully this isn’t the opposite....manipulative people are very devious how they turn the tables, accusing people of what they are actually doing.

Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 19:53

Whinberry - no she doesn't treat my daughter with respect as in she clearly doesn't respect her enough to bother inviting her even though her daughter keeps asking to come to our house!

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cowssheephens · 25/02/2018 19:55

Stop the lifts OP. She sounds awful.

Can you work out a way with the lifts without her?

Allthewaves · 25/02/2018 19:56

I couldn't be arsed with drama. Just do lift share with your friend. Me and another mum share as I drop off and she picks up. Easy and simple

NancyJoan · 25/02/2018 19:57

her daughter keeps asking to come to our house

Have you ever had her round to play?

Original poster
lill72 · 25/02/2018 19:58

Even though all the girls are friends, this mum doesn't seem.to respect our DD as they different in personality to.ours. I feel very judged. I am not a game player. I just don't want to be taken for a fool a.d I won't put up with being treated badly which I feel I have been.

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