My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

[FindingEmo]

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

Have you tried to talk to your DM again or is that it for the night? Has she not even eaten?

Wow, after the last updates I think I would take my children home tomorrow and have a special movie day/night. It’s pretty low for them to blame your son for their failings. I would also be having strong words with them before they spend time with your children again

Dm hasn't been back down since so I cant talk to her.
Dm is usually a wonderful gm and normally over protective so I'm not sure why she has been like this.
DF doesn't want to talk about it so I'm not really sure what to do.

DF is just acting like nothing has happened which is pissing me off too.

I think you need to have a good chat with your Mum, and your Dad needs to held to ‘account’ for this.

This is no different to a multi-generation family holiday scenario for those that are presuming that the OP put on the grandparents.
There are basic requirements re looking after small/young children that anyone would, in the company of small children, adhere to. If they don’t want to, then they don’t assume any responsibility...

Not sure how you can blame DM tbh.

If you go home, you will stop colluding with this charade.

(Take your DCs - obviously)

Isn't DF worried about DM? Can you ask him that?

BKitty is right. It is a charade and a lot of sulking and attention seeking on the part of adults who should a) take responsibility for their actions and b) know better than to behave like this in front of your DC. I'd also be careful about having it out with the parents in front of your DCs. Sounds like DS already feels bad enough and sounds like he's under the impression the whole thing is his fault. Sorry to be blunt, and I don't think its your fault, but in effect you are pandering to your parents and their issues and in fact DCs come first.

I’d explain to DS that he isn’t being punished but by not following instructions it really really scared nan and she needs some time because she was so frightened.
Clearly it was an error to assume he could make his way back,but I’d also be using this as a chance to help DS realise the consequences of doing something different to what he has been asked to do.
Your dad is being weird. Your mum is just frightened. She doesn’t sound angry just shaken to me.

"Knock and give her a hug."

I'm so sick of seeing this advice on this thread.

I couldn't agree more.

Your parents behaviour is beyond appalling. They lost your kid, they've made your poor son feel even worse by blaming him for their monumental fuck up, and are now behaving like dicks in the aftermath.

I'd be leaving first thing without saying a word to them.

When your dad told your son to go back to your mum, was she visible? Surely that's the crux of the matter. If your dad was able to see your mum and point your son towards her, that's one thing. If so, he should obviously have watched to make sure your son got to her and that they could see each other (if he was unwilling to take him to her himself for some reason - he's only 4 after all). If your mum was not visible to your dad and son when he told your son to go back to her, that's outrageously neglectful, with such a young child. Your father owes you an explanation, it's not acceptable to just refuse to talk about it.

OP it sounds like your Dad is the problem and has made your Mum feel like this. Perhaps they (he) cannot cope with you staying there. But it is a very shit way to deal with it.
Why do you think your Mum is thinking?

I think it's time you went back home. My money would be on them having had a row and your DS getting lost because of that row. Maybe it has been too much for them having you all to stay, but they don't want to say that to you?

You know your parents best but I'm not quite sure how you deal with this going forward, your DS is the one who was told off, he's beside himself as a result and neither GP appears prepared to tell you honestly and frankly what actually did happen. Your mother disappearing off to her room sounds very strange indeed.

Have you managed to talk with DH? I imagine you’re needing some support and you’re not getting much from your DPs. He knows them after all and might have a perspective of value here.

I had a DC who disappeared more often than I care to remember and have experienced that ‘feeling’ too many times.

It doesn’t help anyone to do what your DM is doing and hiding. She would be better to behave like an adult, ask for help if she’s feeling unwell from the shock, explain her feelings and reactions, and be involved.

It also is frustrating that your DF seems to be dismissing of his role. It may be that he thought DS would be ok but it is also reasonable to expect a relieved ‘Sorry, that went horribly wrong. I won’t make that mistake again.’

And both GPs need to talk with DS in the morning and explain that they were worried when they didn’t know where he was and everyone has to try to make sure that doesn’t happen again. They need to listen to how he felt and accept that he didn’t behave in a deliberate way to be away from his grownups. And then you need a movie morning.

How are you feeling? You’re describing everyone else but you are not expressing your own reaction. Your business if you don’t want to of course. Horrible to think your DCs are safe and find out later that it might not have been the case. Take care of you a bit too.

I dont agree a 4yo is a 'baby'. They are school age and expected to follow rules and not run off on trips.

Clearly the other GP should have been in sight and watched to them.

I do think the GF is at fault. Depending on how much they see GC they may not have the same expectations of children's behaviour when they are told what to do.
They may not realise exactly how your child behaves. Especially if their own children would have behaved differently or had more freedom to wander the park.

Also things like the situation in the op tend to happen when there are several adults (and kids) about and there become confusion about who has which child.

Ohwelljusttoday "OP it sounds like your Dad is the problem and has made your Mum feel like this."

I disagree. They're both the problem and need to act like the adults they're supposed to be. A 4 year old has been terribly upset and frightened and also feels that he is being punished for "being naughty". The OP hasn't got her husband with her and has 3 young children and is being ignored by her parents who are both responsible for this situation. Her father won't discuss it and her mother has gone straight to her room after the walk and won't come down or speak to the OP. That's very upsetting and stressful for the OP who has done nothing wrong and has no support. Even most of the posters here are unsupportive towards her, as they seem to imagine she's in the wrong for some reason. Well she isn't.

It sounds as if your mum tore rashers off your dad when she realised your DS was missing, and she's really upset about the whole thing while your dad knows he was in the wrong and his way of dealing with that is by refusing to talk to anyone.

Maybe your mum was looking forward to your visit with the children and your dad's fussing about everything being out of place had already upset her.

Your dad sounds like a bit of a domestic tyrant, if your mum felt she had to take the children out of the house in order to let them burn off energy (translated: take them out where they can't upset your dad).

Getting lost and the resulting panic was not the fault of the child who did not do as your dad told him. It was completely the fault of your dad for not supervising. Your dad should have taken the child back to your mum, not relied on a 4 year old to obey.

Has your dad always been 'difficult'?

What you should do is tear him a new one.

Sorry meant to say ‘what do you think your Mum is thinking?

Either way, I would be seriously upset for the child and p*ssed off with grandparent/s.

Going home and it ‘never to be mentioned again’ is just avoiding the longer term problem though; although understandable at the moment.

I don't think I'd be asking the unco-operative and sulking GPs to speak to poor DS again in the morning. They have not behaved well and expecting people who won't even discuss the issue with you as an adult to make things better with DC is a very long shot. I'd get the poor child out of there back to a situation where you can manage things more effectively and let him know that you are proud of him for finding his way back. It sounds like he's been through enough.

ImsomiacAnonymous
I understand you disagree that it just the OP’s Dad that is the problem. I also think the OP’s Mum needs to look at her own behaviour and where this stems from. Unfortunately, for OP, it seems that neither are going to do this - certainly not during this visit.

Your dad should not be let talk to your DS about this unless he intends to give an unreserved apology to DS for the upset he caused him when his fecklessness resulted in DS being lost in an unfamiliar area.

Sounds to me like your parents are trying to minimise what happened. If I were you, I'd go home and spend time with your son to support him - forget the GPs' feelings.

I got lost when I was that age, on a busy beach on holiday. I thought I'd never see my parents again. Nearly forty years later I can vividly remember it. I've also never forgotten my Dad's reaction when he found me - I got the biggest smack I'd ever had and so I naturally thought it was all my fault. Please do your best to reassure your son that he wasn't to blame, despite what he's clearly been told by his grandparents.

You’re probably right Duck if they are still unco-operative and sulking in the morning. I was thinking that behaving like adults might have returned. I’m sure FindingEmo will be able to judge. Home and a movie, or GPs with a movie; the movie seems a good way to demonstrate to DS that he isn’t being punished. Better if all his grownups can honestly assure him of that too. If not then there are bigger ongoing issues.

We only have one car which dh took home. He's coming to get us in the morning before he leaves for work. Our house is a building site but I don't care.