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AIBU?

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Original poster

My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

524 replies

FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 17:44

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

OP posts:
ddssdd · 24/02/2018 23:05

It is awful that your parents 'lost' your child, your mother must have been in bits. But, seeing as your DF lost the child, why are you taking it out on her? Hmm

That aside; why are you putting so much on your parents? If that was me, staying at their house, I'd have taken my children to the park, to give my parents some much-needed space; irregardless of whether my mother had volunteered. Or, at the very least, gone with them? Confused

And as for: “cooking tea and juggling 3 kids"

Are you always such a martyr? Make your mum a cuppa and ask her if the stress of you all under one room, is too much...

Leyani · 24/02/2018 23:06

I'd just give it a bit of time now. Think everyone is tired and emotional and df probably just doesn't want to admit he got it wrong. I think most of us lost their kids at least once, it's so easy to do, and fortunately nothing bad happened except your eldest and gm both getting a scare. Hope you get the others to bed and a good bit of rest between feeds, and tomorrow I'd just carry on as usual - movie and all - rather than rushing home which could really damage the relationship and your son will think it's all his fault. But maybe plan to leave the day after?

roundaboutthetown · 24/02/2018 23:06

Christ alive, FindingEmo - try putting yourself in your dm's shoes. Imagine losing your grandchild for 20 minutes, imagining them dead, drowned or murdered and your dd never, ever forgiving you. Imagine it feeling like your whole world might be crumbling around you. Would you feel up to anything other than going to bed and not talking afterwards? It sounds like the poor woman is in a state of shock. Your df deserves a good roasting, though - but his silence just betrays how guilty he is feeling. Believe me, your parents understand the magnitude of what happened and don't know how to cope with it. They've had a lifetime of being your parents and the ones you go to for help and support. It's horrible to suddenly feel fallible and the cause of your child's problems, not the support you hoped to be.

CotswoldStrife · 24/02/2018 23:07

So your DS is really upset and you, your father and your mother are not speaking about it OP. Can you see how strange that sounds? Is there some kind of a backstory here, depression or illness with one or more of the adults involved?

Homebird8 · 24/02/2018 23:07

Sounds like you have made a decision based on your knowledge of your DPs OP. I’m sure it is the right one. At least it means that your DCs aren’t in the middle of GPs who need to work out what went wrong. I suspect that your DF will continue to deny and minimise and your DM will decide that she shouldn’t be taking all the flack. Things will not be comfortable around them. Let’s hope they can apologise to you at least.

DearMrDilkington · 24/02/2018 23:08

Reading between the lines here, but, I'm getting the impression your parents have got something else on their minds at the moment.

If they're both usually very hands on and brilliant grandparents then something is off. Both of their reactions are bizarre and I don't think your getting the full story from them.

NoSquirrels · 24/02/2018 23:10

Your dad AND your mum are at fault.

Your mum didn’t know where your 4 year old DS had gone.

Your dad didn’t accompany your DS back when he realised he was following him.

BOTH your dad and mum failed to communicate when in care of your DC.

But your dad is most at fault for being a fucking IDIOT and caring more about his dogs and himself than a 5 minute walk back to make sure his grandson was OK.

Don’t let it go. Talk in the morning, when you can be calm and the DC are occupied. Make sure DS gets his movie.

Your poor DS. He wasn’t naughty. He’s 4! Please make sure he knows everyone makes mistakes sometimes but he wasn’t naughty. And remind him - if you get lost, stay where you are and someone will find you.

Tear STRIPS off your dad. I love the bones of my DF but I’d be fucking livid and he’d know it.

Homebird8 · 24/02/2018 23:10

When I said flack, I meant from your DF to your DM. You have done nothing wrong.

Louiselouie0890 · 24/02/2018 23:16

I'd cut her some slack. She might not be walking for fear of a bollocking. I do believe it's a situation where the fear was enough "punishment"

Sallystyle · 24/02/2018 23:28

Reading between the lines here, but, I'm getting the impression your parents have got something else on their minds at the moment.

I agree. If this is out of character for them then I too wonder if something else, much deeper is going on.

Is it possible that there are any health issues going on or something?

Sallystyle · 24/02/2018 23:29

BTW, if I was you, right now I wouldn't care who was right or who was wrong.

I would do my very best to go talk to my mum and try to find out if there is more going on.

If my mum was this upset and it was out of character for her I would be worried.

EssexMummy123456 · 24/02/2018 23:31

It is utterly fucking weird that so many previous posters want to blame the 4 year old child or the OP rather than the actual adults in charge of the 4 year old at the time.

An example from the previous poster. "Reading between the lines here, but, I'm getting the impression your parents have got something else on their minds at the moment. I agree. If this is out of character for them then I too wonder if something else, much deeper is going on. Is it possible that there are any health issues going on or something?"

How about - they lost a 4 year old child and refused to talk about it - when most normal people would be dialling 999

shakeyourcaboose · 24/02/2018 23:35

Absolutely essex all posts about the poor GP and WILL NOBODY THINK OF THE GM!!

halfwitpicker · 24/02/2018 23:38

Novel thought for the day : you can't expect a 4 year old to do what you tell them. At any time!

Your poor DS.

strawberrisc · 24/02/2018 23:40

They had a row. Your dc tried to follow your df who was storming off so he told him to go back.

Weebo · 24/02/2018 23:41

I wouldn't be tearing strips out of anyone in this situation.

The child is safe.

Mistakes were made here but considering they are otherwise kind, loving, helpful parents/grandparents I would find it hard to hold it against them.

I wouldn't be taking their behavior personally either, they had a terrible scare which your mum is clearly still getting over and your dad doesn't know what to say about it.

That's perfectly normal responses IMO.

It has been a shit day for everyone.

Sallystyle · 24/02/2018 23:44

How about - they lost a 4 year old child and refused to talk about it - when most normal people would be dialling 999

Well yes. Of course the grandparents were wrong. However, they have the children often and are usually good grandparents. This is clearly out of character for them.

I would still want to talk to my mum and ask her why she is acting the way she is. If my mum started acting like this with no previous history of acting so bizarrely I would worry.

That doesn't mean the parents didn't fuck up.

Weebo · 24/02/2018 23:45

Would you prefer people suggested putting them in the stocks Shakey?

They sound like really caring, supportive people in the OP's life. Why do people want them punished further than the ordeal itself?

I find the people out for blood strange tbh.

Sallystyle · 24/02/2018 23:46

I wouldn't be tearing strips out of anyone in this situation.

Me neither. I am pretty sure the pair of them know exactly how they fucked up and tearing strips out of them isn't going to change anything.

I don't like punishing people who are punishing themselves enough though. Well, the mum seems to be at least.

holasoydora · 24/02/2018 23:49

essex the OP was about whether the OP WBU for feeling angry that her mum was upstairs not coming down. Not who was to blame for the missing incident, which is clear but at the same time seems to have been a one-off and all is now well. The OP didn't mention til later that they had blamed the four year old. Of course nobody is blaming him (apart from one posted, I think). And of course that is shit but it wasn't her original question.

Italiangreyhound · 24/02/2018 23:56

OP I hope all will be well soon. Your df made a massive mistake and I would imagine you will not want them to look after your kids for a while.

Loads of comments, not read them all. But I did read and agree with

aaarrrggghhhh "Perplexed that OP is getting all this grief and she should be comforting her mother?

WTF. She trusted her FOUR year old to her parents and lost him! And OP is meant to be comforting the mother for the trauma of losing him??"

Although I think the df is really to blame here.

"GF and GM should have clearly communicated who was in charge of GS (who is FOUR years old I repeat).

If you have an overall good relationship try not t overreact. But this is definitely worth an all parties frank discussion about the responsibilities of child care. If GPs can't do it totally fine - but then they shouldn't. The OP shouldn't be required to rush to them with cups of tea when they fuck up big time."

Totally agree with this. And hope your little boy has been suitable comforted. XXXXXXXX Hugs to him.

StaplesCorner · 25/02/2018 00:02

I got as far as the first page with some idiot saying that the OP's 4 year old was "very naughty" and I couldn't bear 10 pages of that. I see its all the OP's fault now. Jesus H Christ. Obviously the grandparents wouldn't deliberately put the boy in harms way but but it entirely the DF's fault and the grandmother should get a bloody grip not do this "its all about me" thing.

AnaWinter · 25/02/2018 00:15

I lost my child for one minute today on a very busy high street. My heart literally stopped as I scanned the crowds left and right and
couldn’t see her. I felt so helpless as I was scared to choose a direction to
search in case it was the wrong one. I screamed her name over and
over and a women kindly brought her back. I was shaken for hours after it. I can’t even imagine what your Mum went through. From your op your Dad was the one at fault.

shakeyourcaboose · 25/02/2018 00:20

That sounds so scary ana for 30secs once i 'lost' sight of my DC in a baby and toddler group so totally secure environment and still get palpitations.

HeartOfSass · 25/02/2018 00:32

Your DF is primarily at fault but on the other hand, it was pre-arranged that your DM was going to the park with both children whilst your DF was walking on alone with the dog - so where did your DM think your 4yo was when she went to the park with the 2yo? Where was the handover/communication? Either the 4yo was walking with her or both or your DF; if just your DF then at the point he was to walk on he should have communicated to her AND THEN when he realised the 4yo had followed alone he should have taken him to your DM.

People whose fault it isn't: your DS and yours.

Your parents assumed and accepted responsibility for your DCs when they took them out. That's the deal and they know it. I can well imagine your DM is very upset but ultimately she should be able to communicate about it like an adult or at least say "that really was a shock to me, can we chat about it in the morning because I really do need to have a lie-down". Also 'we're sorry" wouldn't go amiss.

Anyway. Very fortunately, nothing bad happened to your DS thankfully so there's that. That's the main thing. But communication is required as to this situation.