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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

524 replies

FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 17:44

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

OP posts:
holasoydora · 24/02/2018 20:20

I thought I lost my DD for five mins on Chrismas day and I also felt physically ill afterwards and was irrationally angry.

Just give her a hug and move on. Maybe they have also found you all staying there a bit much and the incident has tipped DM over the edge. She is probably furious with DF and feeling like she has had a heart attack and just wants to be alone to recover.

Kim1010 · 24/02/2018 20:27

Enough to make your poor mum feel ill. If anyone at fault it was your father imo ,.. he definitely needs to be more careful, just be happy all ended ok,.. could have been a totally different story Sad

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 24/02/2018 20:32

Your mother didn't lose him, that was your father. He can't just send a 4yo off and not check that 4yo got back to his GM. I'd be beyond furious with him.

FWIW I was once with my parents in a shop and my then 3yo disappeared. They both lost their heads completely. I was the one who was thinking, told them to get to different doors, let a member of staff know. She reappeared within a couple of minutes, having been hiding round a nearby aisle, only to be shouted at by them - not OK but clearly a bad response to shock and fear, which I assume hit them harder because as a parent to young dc you're always on alert (or potential alert) to a degree, while they are blithely out of that stage. So I can't be too harsh on your mother right now - but your father is a different matter. Angry

Ifartrainbowsandglitter · 24/02/2018 20:33

Christ. I lost my 4 year old at a Barcelona market for five mins. It felt like a lifetime. Give your poor mum a break.

WannaBeWonderWoman · 24/02/2018 20:36

FFS. The GPs are very lucky that nothing else befell the OPs DS other than a massive fright! I should imagine the 4 year old is traumatised tooHmm.

If the GPs hadn't find him, I wonder if there would be posts on here saying the OP should ' look after' her Mum and give her a hug?

givemesteel · 24/02/2018 20:48

Fuck me, I would be bloody furious with both of them, I'm not sure I could forgive it tbh.

Losing a 4 year old for 20 minutes, did they not call you?? 20 mins is a long time for such a young child to be lost, I would have called the parents at the very least and I probably would have called the police.

Whilst it was obviously your dad's fault for letting your son wander off, when he went off with your dad your mum should have called him back, there were only 2 kids, not exactly hard to keep track of.

Then for her to go off in a huff, I would be leaving and going nc until I had an apology. Even then they'd never be left alone with my kids again.

Clem7 · 24/02/2018 20:57

Why are people being so snippy towards the op? I don't get it.

Welcome to Mumsnet

Original poster
FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 20:58

I didn't know anything was wrong until ds and dm came home in tears. Dm wouldn't say anything just went upstairs. Ds sobbed that he was sorry for being naughty and running off. When he said that I went to ask dm what had happened and she told me. She noticed he was missing but because he'd wandered after df she couldn't find him. He'd wandered the wrong way and she finally found him in the next field.

To the people asking why I couldn't manage my 3dc, I am perfectly capable of looking after them, however I'm not used to an emotional ds refusing to let me put him down as he's scared. He's normally excellent at playing by himself while I cook and ds3 is going through a clingy stage. Ds1 is a mess, it took me ages to get him to bed as he was so upset.

I feel like I'm being punished because dm is ignoring me. She also said she would have a movie night tonight with ds so ds1 went to bed apologising for being naughty and asking I he didn't have movie night as he ran away.

DF is just acting like nothing has happened which is pissing me off too.

OP posts:
Penguin0fMadagascar · 24/02/2018 21:00

I completely get why the OP feels like this is being turned onto her - I have an acquaintance who, whenever she knows she has done something that might have upset me, gives me the silent treatment. My natural reaction is then to wonder what I might have done to upset her, and feel like I need to make the first move to start communication again, at which point the whole thing gets glossed over. It's very manipulative, and now I know her technique I don't intend to play along.

RachelTeeth · 24/02/2018 21:04

Previous poster who said that living with a shit man is the fate of many grandmothers/women- NO, it is not, it is a choice that keeps on damaging their adult offspring. Don’t suggest that it’s inevitable or anything other than an ongoing choice. My mother has chosen to be with human garbage for 20 years, refuses all help, whines and martyrs herself and often says how it’s ‘for me’, so I can inherit her house or whatever shite she comes up with that day. Nauseating. Own your choices.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 24/02/2018 21:08

Oh I'm sorry I'm going to say this, but Your mum is behaving like an arse hole now.

She must have said to your little one that he was naughty. Yes I can understand her saying that initially in anger and shock,(even though your son is in no way to blame) but to carry it on. She's starting to sound like an Oscar winning drama Queen. Thats something a 14 year old does. If anyone it should be you up stairs peeved. Your ds was after all lost in their care.

Oh and as for making a promise to him about having a movie night and then going back on her word. That's beyond a bloody mean trick.

AskBasil · 24/02/2018 21:08

Jeez.

You all sound madly dysfunctional.

Or just maybe very tired?

NerNerNerNerBATMAN · 24/02/2018 21:11

So what has been said to DF regarding the matter?

It sounds like it's DS who is being punished for being poorly safeguarded by your parents. That's not ok.

Sprinklestar · 24/02/2018 21:13

They don’t sound up to looking after your DC, to be honest. And hiding away in bed?! How ridiculous.

RachelTeeth · 24/02/2018 21:13

This is nothing to do with your mother (although her behaviour is bananas, fleeing to her room), your father was responsible for your son and just sauntered off and is now the person who gives least fucks in the house. Clearly not someone who can have children under his ‘care’.

InsomniacAnonymous · 24/02/2018 21:13

"It sounds like it's DS who is being punished for being poorly safeguarded by your parents. That's not ok."

DS and the OP, neither of whom deserve it. I can't believe how many PP have decided that the OP is in the wrong.

TefalTester123 · 24/02/2018 21:13

Feeling most sorry for DS here. He seems to have taken the blame and lost out the most.

BrendasUmbrella · 24/02/2018 21:13

Why say in the title that your DM lost him when your post explains that your DF did?

Maybe your DPs are feeling a bit overwhelmed, it might be an idea to suggests cutting the visit short?

TefalTester123 · 24/02/2018 21:14

And if 20 mins feels like a lifetime to an adult think how long it feels to a 4yo

Original poster
FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 21:15

The thing is my dad is normally a wonderful grandad. I don't understand why he didn't make sure ds got back ok or I now ignoring it.
I hate that ds thinks he's being punished.

OP posts:
Canuckduck · 24/02/2018 21:19

It is primarily your Dad’s fault but she was silly too not communicate with him about the plan. Hiding in her room refusing to talk is childish no matter how ‘shocked’ she may be feeling. I wouldn’t be buying into the poor mum nonsense.
You need to stay and have a chat with both of them once the children are in bed. If you don’t then this will impact on how you trust them and feel about future babysitting.

hesterton · 24/02/2018 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1474652148 · 24/02/2018 21:21

She is most likely trying to get over the most stressful event. She is clearly really very upset and anyone would be. Knock and give her a hug. Your ds is fine these things happen to all of us. Yes df should have been more careful but he may be old/ out of practice. Going forward better to keep children in the garden

Sprinklestar · 24/02/2018 21:22

I also have a 4yo DS and I would be beyond livid in this situation. Firstly - it happened! And secondly - why aren’t they apologizing profusely to all of you? Comforting DS? He must have been terrified!

mikeyssister · 24/02/2018 21:23

I get your mum is upset but both her and your DF need to apologise to DS for losing him, calling him naughty and punishing him. Your DS has done nothing wrong, he waas obviously close enough to DF that DF knew he was there, and DF should have made sure he went back to DM before he walked off.

Unless DS ran off when he was being called back he is totally blameless. And if he did run off it is that and only that he should be given out to about,

Your DM and DF need to seriously cop on.