My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

[FindingEmo]

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

I thought your post was excellent cauliflower - you showed a great deal more insight and empathy than many on this thread.

The mum sounds in total shock. Haven't you ever been so shocked and upset by a situation that instead of blaming yourself you lash out and blame everyone around you, and really it's because in your heart you feel utterly shite about yourself and that is so devastating you feel really angry with anyone who had a part in it? I bet she is angry with DF for not bringing the child back (and that's why he is in turn angry with OP - because he feels guilt and resentment) and angry with your son for wandering off. Angry with you for not raising your kids to stricter behaviour standards too probably as that generation are terrible for 'It would never have happened with one of mine' logic. She is shocked and horrified for what almost happened. She feels like a terrible grandmother, and she feels old and she feels traumatised and vulnerable. Is she handling it well? No, not at all, but that doesn't make her a bad person.

Your DS is not blameless - he did do something he shouldn't have - but the terror of being lost is more than enough punishment and the chaotic reaction of the adults around him will have been really confusing and upsetting for him. I bet he won't do it again.

I agree cauliflowers post was excellent and not victim blaming at all, sound and impartial.

Really do not start blaming the 4 year old again. It is wholly inappropriate.

Great post Cauliflower. The OP has said that she is very dependent on her parents and talks to them every day and asks for their advice.
She knows that she needs their support and telling her to cut contact with them is unrealistic.It is not going to happen.
Make sure that both sides are aware of how things went wrong and have plans in place for similar events.

But perhaps the GPs behaviour is "normally" really good because they have been lucky that nothing has happened /they have not been required to face a difficult situation before. They haven't gone from amazing to such crap attitude. Nobody does.

When something happens which is scary/ bad particularly for a small child, you have to own up. You say sorry for your bit! You say sorry that it happened.

OP I'm so sorry for your ds. Your parents sound childish and selfish.

Your ds deserves an apology from them.

Your parents sound horrible, your father especially. All this happened because he couldn't be arsed to take less than a minute to ensure your son was safe, and rather than apologise and take responsibility for what he's done he has the cheek to be arsey with you and call you ungrateful! I have slightly more sympathy with your mother, but for the fright she's been through, not her subsequent behaviour towards you and your son, which is making it all about her and very manipulative. To the pp wondering what Stately Homes people make of the excuses made for this vile behaviour - you are spot on!

I would be giving them plenty of space and limiting future visits - and certainly no unsupervised time with your children

Your poor son, and poor you! Well done for going home. Be sure not to put up with any nonsense from them in future.

I do recognise (from experience) the OP's parents' behaviour as a complete inability to cope with being in the wrong, being to blame - driven by fear and expressed in what I think is a generational way. There is truth in Cauliflower's observation that these will be people raised in a time when adults were always right and when one of the privileges of adulthood - and the payback for a childhood of being blamed and sat on - was to lash out at and blame those younger than you for your own failings. Similarly, the OP's mother was presumably raised in a time when women's only legitimate power was through emotional manipulation and 'being upset'.

Where I differ from Cauliflower is that while all this explains, I don't believe it excuses. The times have moved on and there comes a point when the perpetuation of old ways of doing things needs to stop m- be that on a family or a societal scale. I'm intrigued at the numbers of posters suggesting OP dance round her mother and soothe her feelings. i'm guessing many of us have been exposed to this sort of maternal behaviour to some degree or other (and I think many of us still carry it on, albeit probably to a lesser degree - I often see posts on here about situations between an OP and her young children where these dynamics are at play).

OP, you may find yourself reassessing your parents and your relationship with them on the back of this incident. You probably won't be able to change them. But what you can, and, depending on the outcome of that reassessment, perhaps must do is draw boundaries. That probably won't mean going NC. But it may well mean deciding where your limits are and working out ways of sticking to them.

I agree she is terribly in shock; probably guilt ridden and mortified. She’s not angry or blaming you. I agree with the other posters but your dad should be the one you’re angry at. She should not have ignored you though. That was completely out of order.

Hope you’re okay OP.

I’ve just read your updates. Fuck them with bells on! Take your kids and go home; how outrageous to blame him. Their fuck up; not his! They need shaking.

my dad called me ungrateful and said if I had a problem with how they look after my kids they wouldn't bother again

If his idea of looking after kids is to tell a 4 year old to go and find granny, and then leave the 4yo wandering around on their own, then I wouldn't leave him in charge of a hamster, let alone a child. You don't need extensive knowledge of 4yo's to work this out. 10 minutes or less generally convinces you that they're not really capable of following instruction to that degree. Also, they're small, vulnerable, and shouldn't be wandering around on their own.

My mum was looking after 4 and 2 year old relatives (not my kids) a couple of years ago and the 2 year old fell into a river. Not a huge river, but about 18 inches deep, maybe 15 feet from bank to bank. Enough to drown a 2 year old, though luckily he came to no lasting harm and was hailed out fairly much immediately by a gardener.

My mother had left the children playing out of line of sight but within ear shot, by the river. She blamed the 4 year old unequivocally and at length, and told everyone who'd listen that she wouldn't be surprised if he'd pushed his brother in, he was a naughty boy for not immediately calling for help etc. My dad backed her up laying in the character assassination of the 4 year old.

Neither of them would accept that even if the 4 year old had pushed the 2 year old it was still down to the lack of adult supervision near the water! When I said on the phone that it's mad to blame the 4 year old my dad acted as though I was being ridiculous. His logic was that my sister's and I had played in similar circumstances and "survived" therefore any different outcome must be the fault of the different children.

In both my parents' and the OP's parents case I assume it comes down to terror of being blamed and refusal to admit they could ever have made a mistake, and massive blip in their understanding/ memory of what a 4 year old child is.

The scapegoating of the small child is far worse than the original mistake.

I think Cauliflower talks a lot of sense, these grandparents were doing their best and probably longing for life to get back to normal; just about coping and hoping it was appreciated.

Then it all went wrong, and life went tits up. It happens, they're not monsters.

Reading all this now I think you've done the right thing in coming home.

I did think yesterday that your Mum had had a shock and needed some time to calm down and face you because she was worried about your reaction.

But it seems like something else now. I don't know what's going on with your parents but you and your son are probably better off out of it for the time being.

Your parents are dicks. I’m sorry OP.

Evelyn that is awful. I dont think it was the 4yo fault, clearly the kids shouldnt have been unsupervised by a river. I would thinkmost 4yo would run up and tell you if something happened or worse climb in the water themselves.

I do think some people can 'never be wrong'. And will not apologise. Which makes you concerned they will do the same again as they dont see themselves in the wrong.
My own mother takes the kids hands then will let them go (once by the river).

Your parents owe you a massive apology, OP. It was bad enough what happened with your son, but to then turn on you like this when you have done nothing wrong is awful. I think I would have delivered a few home truths at the point where you dad said you were ungrateful - what a cockhead.

I don't think I would be able to forgive this behaviour, it would fester and things wouldn't be the same again. Sorry this has happened.

I think they are embarrassed, so they are lashing out.

Your parents behave like little children.

Yes, they had a shock, but how does that justify hiding in a room and refusing to speak? Is your mum 3?

If they were ‚sick with fear‘ they would have called 999. 20 minutes is a very long time, in that time, a 4 year old can be god knows where.

I‘d be livid and never let them look after my children again until they are about 10.
Not the fact they lost him, that happens even to the most careful people (even though it was avoidable and purely caused by your dad‘s thoughtlessness) but the way they behaved afterwards. Totally inconsiderate of the most vulnerable person here - your son - no apology to you or him. No owning up to the fact they fucked up. Not even talking to you and creating an atmosphere - the 4 year old will blame himself for.
I couldn‘t forgive that. They sound awful.

Can't believe she won't say a word to you. Who the fuck does that?! Won't say goodbye?

I agree with IamPickleRick.

Your parents are at fault but like some, they can't admit it. How sad.

@Evelynismycatsformerspyname do you have kids? If so, I am guessing your parents don't ever have some care of them! Truly shocking.

Sorry op but they’re fucking idiots.

Just thinking about what my DPs would do in the same situation, and I know they’d be so upset and want to comfort them themselves that I’d have to squeeze in to get to my own kids (not in a bad way, they’d just panic)

But it seems like there is absolutely no concern for your DS whatsoever. They’re more concerned about themselves.

Iiwy I’d be giving them space - and fucking masses of it. Let them come to you and I really hope they initiate contact with an apology

Italian yep I have kids but we live a very long way from my parents - they haven't had any care of them since they offered to babysit almost newborn DC1 (she was a few weeks old) so DH and I could walk down the road to eat at a restaurant to celebrate DH's birthday and new job. We were only gone about 90 minutes but came home to her screaming in the carry cot while they ate a take away as obviously they "had" to put her down to eat. I had told them that at that point she couldn't be put down and we took it in turns to eat - one eat, one hold her. That was why they'd offered to babysit so we could eat together for once! If we'd wanted her left to scream we'd have done that ourselves!

The kids are older now and there has never been any reason to leave them with my parents. My mother made noises about the kids going over to spend summers with them but I don't think she'd really have wanted that when it came to it, especially not the boys who I am not sure she actually likes - I think my mother only likes little girls tbh - and I have other concerns about her huge hang ups with eating and food rubbing off on the kids especially DD anyway, and her failing to protect them from an older child in the family who is encouraged to be very spiteful, so it hasn't happened and won't happen.

Great post anelderlylady.

@Evelynismycatsformerspyname you are very wise, it is best to know people's limitations. My mum had real food issues and I do too. Never noticed it before about 8 years ago! Mum is gone now and I don't blame her but I am now more aware.

Bastardkitty, yep. Spot on.

I don't think I will ever bother with another MIL thread ever again, this thread has demonstrated just how much people will contort themselves to excuse bad behaviour and victim blame. It's actually quite scary.