My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

[FindingEmo]

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

Goodness sakes give your poor mum a breaks. I lost my kids for 2 minutes once and the absolute panic. She was in shock and come on here whinging. She probably is still in shock. Give her time.

Think of their quiet calm life as a couple. Huge tracts of total silence. Perfect order. Everything still and tidy. Calm, unwritten routines going on. Contented understanding. They are older and get tired more quickly. They are less tolerant and get anxious much more quickly.

Then you and 3 kids arrive to stay. Even if they were practically statues, it’s an immense whirlwind for them. Noise, things being moved around, sticky fingers. They probably prepared for ages as well, moving delicate things out the way. Buying extra food, getting beds made up.

The walk was a nice idea. Your dad’s judgement was bad, but he’s not used to knowing what a 4 year old can cope with. If it had been a 7 year old that instruction would have probably been ok. If you’ve had a 4 year old recently then you’d know. He reasoned that it was a straight path so how could it go wrong. He didn’t judge the emotional intelligence of a 4 year old getting in a panic being on his own. He might well be an excellent grandad when they’re indoors but being out and about is very different. When was the last time your dad was outside managing a 4 year old in a park.

When they realised he was lost, they would have lost their minds. The thought of returning home without him to you would have been beyond the pale. Even thinking about a 4 year old being missing for 20 minutes, even 5 minutes, makes me feel physically sick. I can’t imagine how much that feeling would be magnified if was in my 60s and it was my own grandson. I’m quite surprised they weren’t physically vomiting in fear.

Looking at not talking to you/ apologising to you afterwards. Partly the event of course being enormous and totally out of their normal day to day life. But also partly that it feels unnatural to them to be apologising to their daughter and having to defend their actions. It’s a change of status and awkward. It’s their house and their choice to go on the walk and you’re their daughter but within this dynamic you are the head honcho because you have ultimate responsibility for those children and not them. But they don’t want to be answerable to you. Your dad probably does feel you’ve been ungrateful because he’s left with a dishevelled house, and his wife is in an absolute state. They possibly also feel a bit useless: in their heads they feel 30 and totally able to cope but they can’t anymore.

So ultimately if I were you I would honestly send them some flowers and thank them for their hospitality and reassure them that they mustn’t worry about DS1. Especially since it’s so out of character and they are normally such good grandparents.

From now on, don’t stay longer than 3 hours. They can’t really cope with more.

Your DS being told he was naughty for running off is not acceptable by today’s standards but back in their day, adults were not considered to be in the wrong and this, in their historical context, is absolutely normal I would say. Just look at all the paedo behaviour that was ignored or minimised at the time.

Er. I wouldn’t be sending them some flowers. That’s rewarding a bad attitude. Your DM and DF made a bad call, fine. This time there was no harm done. Then they made further bad calls including blaming a 4yo, refusing to engage, calling you ungrateful because they lost your child, and disappointing your child by cancelling the movie night. They might be out of practise at parenting a 4yo but are they so out of practise at being compassionate human beings?

For your lo’s sakes, I’m glad you are home and away from these weird power games.

I'm by the lengths some on here are going to, to justify really shockingly childish and aggressive, passive and otherwise, behaviour by two adults that really ought to know better. The sheer length of some of the flowery descriptions of how tough it was for them with barely a mention of the a lost four year old child.

They can’t really cope with more.

There's absolutely no evidence of that at all.

That's some nice victim blaming, Cauliflower.

First class minimising and pretzel-logic there Cauliflowersqueeze

I’m quite surprised they weren’t physically vomiting in fear. < Sorry - forgot to mention the creative writing as well.

Your post is nauseating cauliflower especially that first paragraph. Just the kind of nonsense my parents come out with to justify downright nasty behaviour towards their grandchildren.

Well that’s my take on it. They’ve previously been good grandparents and this is out of the ordinary. I’m not blaming anyone at all? It’s not the OP’s fault or her son’s fault. There’s no point in my opinion apportioning blame in this instance. Just a massive relief that he was OK in the end.

Not creative writing - I have been physically sick with fear before. I think I would have been after this situation too.

I thought that was a great post Cauliflower. I didn’t see any victim blaming; I did see empathy for both sides and a good deal of emotional intelligence though.

Cauli I think you’ve made a few good points in your post.**

There's not much emotional intelligence in parents who see themselves as In Charge and are unable to apologise to their daughter or grandchild because they don't want to relinquish that. I speak as someone with parents like this. Emotionally intelligent people don't behave like that.

I was talking about Cauliflower’s emotional intelligence.

Sometimes I read Mumsnet and think about how very few people recognise their own behaviour as toxic and see things as other people's faults. But a thread like this really illuminates how toxic people embroider and conflate facts to glorify themselves and minimise the consequences of their actions. It has so little to do with what actually took place. I should think there are a lot of Stately Homes posters and lurkers observing the master class.

I know. But that was used as a reason for their behaviour with no clarifying comment on whether it's acceptable to behave that way. The entire rest of the post was weighted towards the parents favour so it's reasonable to see that as being too.

Me too kitty

They were tired out, in shock at a very shocking situation and obviously not communicating well between themselves let alone anyone else.

They haven't behaved like this before - quite the opposite according to OP.

We are all human. Mistakes were made. Let them think about where it goes from here. I hope your home isn't too much of a tip OP and you manage a nice Sunday with your DH.

I read it differently. I didn’t see it weighted in their favour, but simply an observation of how their minds may have been working, and why their behaviour was difficult.

I don't read that post as being emotionally intelligent at all, it reads like a load of excuses for horrible, bratty, abusive behaviour to me and I have heard it all before in person from my own very abusive, controlling parents.

Consistently abusive and controlling?

So unlike the OP’s parents then? She says their behaviour was unusual.

Sorry that your parents have not been all they should’ve been though, MsGame.

I’m trying to see things from the perspective of the grandparents. Obviously it’s upsetting for the OP - we’ve had many pages of that.

Lots of what they did was not good and they should apologise for not taking good enough care of their grandson. And shutting yourself in a room and refusing to talk is not OK. She should apologise for that. They won’t apologise I wouldn’t think. But they should.

They have ways of dealing and coping with stress that are definitely not in line with what we expect, certainly these days. But I think it’s useful to put their situation into some context and as they are normally so great and loving I would personally be looking for some kind of resolution.

Thank you shockers and llangennith.

Has the OP said how old the GPs are?