My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

[FindingEmo]

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

OP, I don't think your parents are a nice, and as good grandparents as you think they are. The minimisation, dismissiveness, blaming and stonewalling is typical behaviour in dysfunctional families and is quite abusive. Your father sounds vile btw.

The comment about 'wouldn't bother again' is just pre-empting you saying you won't leave your children with them again (which I hope you won't), to make out it was their idea in the first place. Nasty.

Emo my parents are exactly like this but always have been and I had a very unhappy and fearful childhood. What were they like when you were a child?

My mum would do exactly this. Make something into my fault rather than apologise, and in the process making a seemingly small thing an absolutely massive drama.

Happened recently. Ds fell off something on her watch. Rather than a quick 'sorry' to which I would have replied it's easily done, she got cross, then cried, and I ended up apologising to her so than the whole family day wasn't fucked.

Have your parents behaved like this before or are you shocked?

And unless the gm has history for hiding in her room and refusing to talk, that is seriously odd behaviour. To think she could or would just snap out of it just by telling her off for being a big baby herself is as dumb as fuck advice.

Think the space will do everyone good.

What a strange situation

roundaboutthetown I am getting the impression this behaviour isn't as unusual as OP is letting on.

I would need a lie down after that

Your mum is probably feeling sick with guilt and shame and angry at your dad. Maybe she doesn't want to make a scene in front of the kids and will wait until you're gone before giving him a bollocking?

But why blame your mum anyway? Because she's a woman and children and the woman's job?

Your dad is a shit. It is his fault for not making sure the boy was with safely with his gran before fucking off on his own.

Your parents are being ridiculous. I'd give them a lot of space. Your mother still refusing to even speak to you at all the next day? And your father being snotty and unpleasant like that? Such silliness.

It sounds like you are pretty dependent on them for babysitting, support and companionship. You can decide this is a deal breaker and walk out but it might leave you poorer in terms of support.
I think both your parents had a massive shock and feel overwhelmed by events. Your son is fine. Cut your mother some slack and perhaps don't put her in this kind of situation again.
Believe me, with three lively children, you will be grateful for them babysitting and for their continued interest and support in years to come.

Where is all this getting the impression the behaviour is not unusual coming from? Clearly it is odd, or the OP would not be so flummoxed by it. These are parents the OP trusts and goes to for advice. Sounds to me more like they realise they have fallen off a massive pedestal and are scared of the repercussions involved in the loss of trust by their own dd of their ability to look after her children.

My mum refused to even say a word to me and my dad called me ungrateful and said if I had a problem with how they look after my kids they wouldn't bother again.

Ok, so they aren’t happy with you for some reason, you’ve omitted from your story how you reacted when you found out your ds was missing for 20 minutes. What did you actually say to your mum when you found out as she seems to feel you are blaming her/them?

Your dm and df obviously love their dgc, it was an accident/misunderstanding, it thankfully all turned out ok, no need for blame or reprisals.

I think the gps have also lost confidence in themselves to be able to care for the children. It's hard to admit all these emotions, so everyone needs time to calm down.

Reading your updates, I am glad you have gone home. Blaming your ds, hiding out and taking no responsibility for what happened is awful behaviour from both of them.
I'm sure she was really scared but last night she ought to have been reassuring ds and msking him feel better and fulfilling her promise to have movie night. I'm shocked by how badly the two of them have behaved.

Your dad is seriously weird. Who on earth wouldn't have a problem with how they look after your children when they lose one for 20 minutes? Is he incapable of imagining what could have happened to your son? Doesn't he pay any attention to news reports? It's not so long since we have had extensive recaps on the Bulger case, for instance.

I went to tell them I was leaving. My mum refused to even say a word to me and my dad called me ungrateful and said if I had a problem with how they look after my kids they wouldn't bother again. So we are back home. I'll give them some space for now.

What the hell?! Bonkers overreaction: hiding in her room and your df saying they won’t look after the kids again? Ok, then....

I never blamed her for it. Because she was in such a state I got the info from her and the said id leave her until she felt better as she could barely speak. I know my dad has struggled with the lack of order but I did as much as I could to keep it tidy etc. If he'd told me something wrong I could have done something about it.

Why did you make your ds apologise? He’s 4 and his grandfather sent him off on his own.

you’ve omitted from your story how you reacted when you found out your ds was missing for 20 minutes. What did you actually say to your mum when you found out as she seems to feel you are blaming her/them? Given that OP had to ask her tearful, frightened son what had happened because her DM had locked herself in her room and wasn't talking, it could be inferred that OP wasn't able to say much to her DM at all!

Had there been an adult conversation I doubt OP would be annoyed but as yet, she hasn't blamed anyone, just described what happened as far as she was aware. She has asked if she is BU to be pissed off! General consensus is no, she isn't!

Nor has she dealt out any reprisals, she has just gone home, as was previously arranged!

Or have I read a different thread?

i remember my dm trying to blame everyone else, even a crawling baby, when dd got hurt while under her watch.

They’re really upset and embarrassed. They were your childhood caregivers, but they let your son down and breached your trust. It’s a new situation and they’re reacting terribly, but it’s because of the above. Your dad’s comment is him being defensive because he knows they got it wrong.

My dad has poor eyesight and gave my DD herbal cold and flu tablets instead of her epilepsy meds, after getting them from the cupboard at my house. She spent the night in hospital as she was fitting constantly. His reaction was bizarre- almost annoyed. I realised that it was down to his utter terror and I let it go, and have encouraged him and mum to look after her since. I always pack her meds myself now though- we are all happier that way.

There's got to have been more to this. I think that the gps couldn't cope with so many littler children for so long in their house (even though they're beloved grandchildren) and were perhaps at the end of their patience (for want of a better word). I think it was a big job hosting a family of five for a week and they're probably over tired.

I hope everything calms down with a bit of time and space so that you can work things out.

You did the right thing leaving this morning OP. And from what you say you have also said the right things - while sadly neither of your parents have.

I think they were over-whelmed with noise and kids and DF was probably moaning to DM about it putting her in a tricky position as she could obviously see you needed to stay and wanted to help.

Let the dust settle. They will be having words with each other I'm sure. And in the cold (quiet) light of day, just the two of them I am sure they will realise they have reacted badly to the situation.

Let them make the first move. Are you due to see them soon or have babysitting arranged?

Your latest updates have confirmed my original thoughts when reading the OP, that your parents, especially your mother, are very manipulative. They're probably veering into toxic territory.

I'd be giving them a LOT of space for the foreseeable future. Nothing would be progressing until they both started with a heartfelt apology, both for losing your son, and then behaving so badly afterwards.

It could be that your parents have found it hard having you all to stay. You said your DF likes things orderly, but with your children things have been chaotic and he has struggled. It may well be that they feel shocked, upset, angry, overwhelmed at events and haven't learn how to communicate this to you hence the silent treatment. Are they able to talk about how they feel OP? Are you (to them)? Because it seems when something like losing DS happens they cannot cope with the feelings it brings and so bury their heads or retreat.

I hope you are able to repair your relationship, but it does mean your parents sitting down and talking to move past it.