My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

[FindingEmo]

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

Go and knock on her door and ask her why she's behaving like this.

What do all these people think has happened to your mum???? If she's able to text, she hasn't had a stroke.

Sounds very much like she is trying to manipulate into "Checking if she is okay" because she is the 'victim".

Leave and have a nice drive home singing some tunes.

I'd text back 'Please stop hiding in your room like a naughty child and come talk to me like an adult'. I have had to do this with my own mother in the past unfortunately. It sucks.

OP, put your head round yout mother's door, say 'We're going now. Thank you very much for having us. I know you're upset at what happened yesterday, but so is ds, very much so, and so am I, and I think the best thing to do is for us all to have our own space for a bit and talk about it when we've all calmed down. Goodbye.' Send the dc in to say goodbye (if you can trust her to not start weeping and wailing), and leave. You need to remove the opportunity for continued drama.

No one should be pandering to the toxic behaviour of a grown adult.

I would have to check if she was okay for my own peace of mind. If she is then fine but if this behaviour is not normal then just check

I expect your parents have had some sort of massive domestic. The shock itself is enough, it doesn’t need dissecting, they, you and ds will have learnt things from it. Just be nice and breezy and make clear that ds is ok and you are ok. Tell your ds that not knowing where he was gave them a massive shock because they were so worried, that they are cross with themselves, not him, that it wasn’t his fault, and then have the movie night for him. If your Mum doesn’t like to talk about stuff she won’t want to.

Hi OP started reading last night but fell asleep before I had chance to respond. Glad your son is happier this morning and sounds like leaving till things have calmed down is definitely the right decision.

Your mum for whatever reason is acting like a dickhead. It does seem like she’s blaming you. I have absolutely no idea why, that must be driving you mad but I’d definitely wait till you get home to try and sort it all out again.

Your dad sounds a bit like mine tbh. He loves me, loves my kids but wants and accepts zero responsibility for the kids and more bothered about himself and his dog. My kids worship him and would probably try to run after him but my mum is fully aware and on the ball at all times.

I would be pissed off with them both, a little bit for the mistake made resulting in him getting lost but mainly for their reactions afterwards. All these posters saying but think about how the GM feels. I don’t think she needs anyone to do that for her, she has done quite enough of that herself. She needs to think of how her GS feels and snap the fuck out of it. Shouting a bit in shock when she found him, understandable as long as she gave him a massive hug too. Giving a four year old the silent treatment, not accepting his apology and continuing to punish him when it is him that was probably most traumatised is absolutely ridiculous and totally out of order.

Your DF on the other hand seems to think he’s above all this and all’s well that ends well. You’re probably just hysterical women in his eyes. That would also drive me mad but anyone other than your DM will probably not be able to get any where near getting through to him if he is anything like my dad.

Good luck OP, give your son a massive cuddle and hope you’re all back to normal soon.

Five the mum is texting OP about deliveries, she's fine, just hiding in her room like a naughty child, as Contessa says.

OP, does she mean that she won't be paying for the item anymore or that you pay and she will reimburse you?

Cheryl, yes I see that but if it was my Mum I would just have to make sure she was OK. I could not leave without seeing her.

Why have you not gone to her? Has she locked herself in? It seems very odd that you are expecting her to re-emerge before you will speak to her - almost as if you are punishing her.

It’s probably best you go home, the DC won’t care if the house is a bombsite and it sounds like your DP need space to clear the air and get back to normal.

You all had a terrible shock - everyone here who has ‘mislaid’ a child knows that feeling and it’s horrible, we all sympathise. But in the end no harm was done. Let it go, let your DM get back to being the great DGM you said she is, reassure your DS he’s not in trouble.

If this helps, my DGM lost me when I was little - my fault, I wandered round a statue in a park and took the wrong path away from it. When she found me a good while later I was soundly walloped in the street (it was a very long time ago, adults did that then!). I didn’t suffer any long term distress from being lost or the ensuing punishment. Your DS is fine, which is the main thing.

She probably is feeling very guilty and upset. My dad did something similar.. lost DS then 4 at an air show!! Luckily when they went in all children were given a wristband and Dad had written his number on it so someone called him! I dread to think what could have happened. Luckily it all ended okay and my dad won't let him out of his site now but I know my DH worries.

I am probably a bit more laid back as I have done it myself

If I can make a prediction about what she will say when she comes out - but haven’t you ever lost them? Surely you can’t watch the every second? Must be nice to be so perfect type comments. This is exactly what my mum would say.

sounds like they need their own space back, so they are blaming you - wanting you to go home to leave them in peace.

She's avoiding you for fear if a bollocking. Rightly or wrongly that's why. You also need to act like an adult and go into her room and speak to her.
And people seem to overlook the fact that the OP sent her son to apologise- why would you do that?!

I'm guessing the OP is no stranger to toxic behaviour from her parents.

Exactly bastardkitty has the GM bothered her arse to see if her DGS is ok? Doesn't seem so!

And people seem to overlook the fact that the OP sent her son to apologise- why would you do that?!

If you've been trained from birth to make Mummy feel better whenever she gets upset (regardless of who caused the upset) then you wouldn't think twice about saying whatever Mummy wants to hear. It's ingrained.

I say that as someone who had the same ingrained response btw. My mum is dead now or I'd probably be making my DC apologise to her for no reason too.

"his mum is the least traumatised person in this situation"

Are you kidding me???? Some of these comments are mental

Your parents sound like mine

I think you needy I challenge this behaviour directly before you leave, otherwise it will just get brushed under the carpet and fester away

The behaviour needs challenging, but not in front of the ds - he really doesn't need the trauma of his mother and grandparents arguing over whose fault getting him lost is, on top of the trauma of having been lost and scared, then seeing the adults he trusts fall to bits over it. Get the poor boy home and deal with this at a more appropriate time when everyone is thinking more rationally. Ridiculous suggestions to go round getting cross with everyone and confronting them asap...

Something similar happened with my child when he was two. Completely the fault of my Dad. My Dad shouted at me and implied it was my fault because my ds was badly brought up and naughty - at age two . Some parents of adults find it difficult to accept that they did wrong, feels like giving up their position of power as The Adult/Parent maybe? I don't know.

I went to tell them I was leaving. My mum refused to even say a word to me and my dad called me ungrateful and said if I had a problem with how they look after my kids they wouldn't bother again. So we are back home. I'll give them some space for now.

She's probably feeling upset and guilty.

Well laying the blame on a 4 year old is hardly going to defuse that guilt.