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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum refusing to talk to me because she lost my son

524 replies

FindingEmo · 24/02/2018 17:44

I've gone to visit my parents this week (although they only live 30 mins away but our house is being renovated so they thought it might be nice).. We are staying in their spare room. I have 3 ds aged 4, 2 & 6months. My dh had to head home today as he has to work tomorrow. My dad likes things orderly and with 3 young children around things have been a bit chaotic. Anyway my dm said she would take 2 older dc to the park to burn off some energy, there's a footpath that runs along side it then up over a hill so df said he'd walk with them and the take the dogs over the hill. When they reached the park ds1 (4) tried to carry on with df. He followed quite far until df said no go back to your nan. He the went off on his walk. Ds didn't go back to his nan he waited for a bit then tried to follow df. Apparently ds was 'missing' for about 20 mins until dm found him. She bought him back to her house in tears, refused to tell me what happened and went to bed. I finally got the story out of her but she's refused to come downstairs. I'm now cooking tea and trying to juggle 3 tired dc as DF is still out. I feel like I'm being punished for my parents losing my son. (for balance I normally get on really well with my parents, I speak to them most days, always go to them for advise, they baby sit a lot for us etc). AIBU to be pissed off.

OP posts:
Ruffian · 25/02/2018 00:35

Yes, you never forget that sickening fear of losing sight of your child. My DM 'lost' one of her gc (not one of mine!) at the beach - he had wandered off into an amusement arcade and was eventually found 15 mins later happily sitting at the wheel of a driving game. That's over 18 years ago but she still regularly talks about the sheer terror she felt and how it took the rest of the day for her to recover.

This situation is all sounding a bit toxic and there's nothing to be gained by handing out blame. Whoever is most calm - which seems to be the OP - should just try to diffuse the situation and discuss it at a later date when people are feeling more rational.

HeartOfSass · 25/02/2018 00:49

Ruffian - totally agree, there's nothing to gain by blaming especially when feelings are running high and everyone's upset. Really there shouldn't need to be a blame as such if the OP's DPs had accepted their part of it instead of leaving the OP hanging/ghosting her, which is why she's here.

But raising it whilst everyone so upset is only going to add fuel to fire. OP should try to keep moral high ground, if nothing forthcoming from parents then leave on a neutral/polite note at least and then speak about it later in the week. By then a proper explanation should be forthcoming, if not then Op will have to consider what she says next.

PastaOfMuppets · 25/02/2018 01:00

The behaviour of both your parents has been very poor and I think leaving in the morning is sensible, although it will no doubt fuel your DM's martyr act.

BoomBoomsCousin · 25/02/2018 01:37

I think your DM is behaving pretty atrociously. It's an incredibly childish way to deal with embarrassment, shame or shock. I would be really annoyed if my DM acted the way yours is. If you make a mistake you should step up and make things better if you can, not indulge yourself with a sulk. And the bigger the mistake, the more important it is not to wallow in it.

But your DF equally seems to be unable to take responsibility for what happened (and the lost kid was primarily his fault). Why wasn't he trying to help you juggle 3 kids when one of them of was super clingy because he left him on his own?

But people do make mistakes, we're none of us perfect, so if they're normally a good DPs, I would just try and let this blow over. It's not frequent. It's a bit late now, but if you haven't had a chance to relax tonight, then make some time for yourself tomorrow to let go of the extra stress and remember you'll hope your children are able to forgive and live with your own failures when you're all older.

FiveShelties · 25/02/2018 01:41

Has anyone checked your Mum is OK? She could be behaving badly or she may be ill I would have to make sure which .

Fionne · 25/02/2018 03:03

OP, please cut your mum and dad some slack.

Is this worth going home for? No. Its certainly not. You all need to regroup, have a cuppa and cake, a nice day together. Going home will be nothing but destructive.

BedtimeTea · 25/02/2018 06:39

This is your dad's fault 100%. Could somebody have yelled at your son and told him he was a bad boy, for him to be still crying about it at home and him apologuising makes me think someone blame him. Or maybe your mum and dad yelled at each other blaming each other, in front of your son, and that frightened him?
Getting lost was enough punishment for a four year old. Sad

IAmLucy · 25/02/2018 06:54

I know everyone is going on about 'regrouping' and cups of tea but if my dad left my four year old with no other adult in sight and walked away from him I would be fucking furious.

RingFence · 25/02/2018 07:10

I think she needs your sympathy and forgiveness. It's not all about you. It must have been terrifying for her. If I was annoyed with anyone it would be with DF for leaving a 4 year old to find his own way back to his grandma, and not checking he was safe. And maybe a bit cross with DS for not going back as he was told!

roundaboutthetown · 25/02/2018 07:31

Seiously, @FindingEmo read my post from p10. The trauma of losing your grandchild for 20 minutes and thinking the absolute worst may have happened is enough to cause post traumatic stress disorder. You need to be worried for your mum if she is acting so strangely, not cross because you think she is blaming you.

shakeyourcaboose · 25/02/2018 07:52

weebo stocks? Punishment? Never mentioned! My issue is so many placing the GM at the centre of this, and little thought for how terrified a 4yo would be for those 20 mins.

SparklyMagpie · 25/02/2018 07:53

How are you and DS this morning OP?

Nannewnannew · 25/02/2018 07:56

Yes, I agree with Quadrangle, I think it’s all too much for your Mum and think you should make other plans. Your Mum is overtired and this is probably the last straw that broke the camels back, especially bearing in mind that your poor Mum might also be getting moaned at by your father about the ‘state of the place etc’

roundaboutthetown · 25/02/2018 08:16

shakeyourcaboose - yes, of course the poor 4-year old was terrified, too. He needs his mum to make him feel safe and secure again, not his traumatised grandparents. His mum is the least traumatised person in this situation, so she neds to be the calm one, blaming nobody, because blame will only increase everyone's sense of insecurity at this point in time.

Quadrangle · 25/02/2018 08:21

Getting lost was enough punishment for a four year old. Agreed

IamPickleRick · 25/02/2018 08:31

The thing is, OP doesn’t know what they’ve said to the child really - as they won’t talk about it. (In their distress) They could have really shamed the poor kid who was already upset at having been lost. How can she fix it when she doesn’t really know has been said to him.

Original poster
FindingEmo · 25/02/2018 08:34

My ds had nightmares last night but is a,lot happier this morning. I've packed up ready to leave. My mum has responded by refusing to come out of her room and sending me a txt about the delivery date fir something she's ordered for dc that is payment on delivery saying I hope you have enough to pay for this.

OP posts:
IamPickleRick · 25/02/2018 08:38

My DM will often retreat for a while and then start randomly talking about something else in an attempt to make you forget what she’s done.

Is your mum usually like this? As she definitely seems to be deliberately avoiding any chance for you to talk about it.

GreenTulips · 25/02/2018 08:40

Have you physically seen your mum?

Go and check she's ok

Original poster
FindingEmo · 25/02/2018 08:43

My mum is very much the ignore it and hope it goes away type person. I haven't seen her as she wont come out of her room.

OP posts:
FiveShelties · 25/02/2018 08:45

I would not leave without seeing your Mum. Just make sure she is really OK.

aaarrrggghhhh · 25/02/2018 08:46

oh OP I'm so sorry. Your mum is being manipulative and ridiculous. Basically she and your father have fucked up big time - so she's had to bring out the big time guns to try and somehow make herself the victim. Ugh.

And just sending you a text. Ugh.

Watershed moment I'd say in your relationship. Suggest some calm time at home to think about how to reasonably approach it and then a calm and firm discussion when your mother has stopped behaving like a 4 year old.

And make it clear to your son that he hasn't done some terrible thing. It must have been AWFUL to have just been left standing alone in a field!

FiveShelties · 25/02/2018 08:46

Is the door locked?

bastardkitty · 25/02/2018 08:47

He needs his mum to make him feel safe and secure again, not his traumatised grandparents. His mum is the least traumatised person in this situation,

^ridiculous comment.

Hope you're home now. Your mum's behaviour is a bloody disgrace.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 25/02/2018 08:47

Great posts from shakeyourcaboose and StaplesCorner.

I originally posted with a degree of sympathy to the GM but realising that both of them had clearly blamed the poor boy changed my mind on that. The continuation of the GM's making it all about her because she can't cope with having fucked up (much less than the GF, but she still fucked up) just confirms this, and I wonder a little whether those thinking OP should be fussing around her mother and making it all OK for her were brought up by mothers prone to similar behaviour.

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