To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

[Applestrawberryblackcurrant]

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

i don't think 14 year olds should be having sex never mind having babies. They should be doing sports, drama, music, hanging out with friends-having fun.
They should be being taught that life is theirs for the taking and that they have fabulous futures ahead of them.

'd also really love to know what it is that teen mothers are missing out on by having babies because that has always baffled me.

Really? You don't think you missed out on anything at all because you had a baby at 14? You think you had exactly the same chances and opportunities as every other 14 year old?

'I would have a kind of admiration for her. Not for falling pregnant at that age, but carrying on with the pregnancy, not choosing abortion; all the while, knowing that she and her family would be judged over the pregnancy. It takes strength.'

Termination is an equally valid and admirable choice , because the strength relies on the support of a lot of other people besides the mother if/when she gives birth at 14. It's just as judgemental to register scorn on a family or a girl who realise that support isn't available and there is a need to terminate.

There's no comparison with Irish convents because abortion is still illegal there.

It's not here. It is a valid choice.

Everyone keeps going on about support, I can tell you now, as a mother to a child with SEN, that support is highly eroded and continues to be. It's not as simple as 'get tax credits and child benefit' if you are in a Universal Credit area, or 'Go the council to be larger accommodation' in many, many, many councils. As for education support, it's also been the object of cuts and may be non-existent in many areas.

That's reality.

I'd also really love to know what it is that teen mothers are missing out on by having babies because that has always baffled me.

Who knows. Well here we currently find ourselves on a parenting board, so presumably there might be one or two things that might be different between women with children and women without children. Again, it's a mystery.

I'd also really love to know what it is that teen mothers are missing out on by having babies because that has always baffled me.

Their childhood?

Pretty sure a teen mother is just the same as any teen without a baby. It truly baffles me too, @mommy2018.

so can 14 year olds with babies d all the things that their friends are doing? can they take part in drama performances that require long and intense rehearsal schedules? Can they compete in sports that require practise and matches and time and energy?
Can they spend as much time with their friends as they would otherwise?

Do their lives, in fact , not change one iota? Do they magically have on tap childcare for the baby so they can do all the things child free teens do?

'I'd also really love to know what it is that teen mothers are missing out on by having babies because that has always baffled me.'

Are you serious? A 14-year-old is physiologically at much more risk of problems in childbirth than an 18-year-old, that is just a fact. That's just the physical side of it. Can't believe anyone even asks this about a 14-year-old. We have laws against intercourse and marriage before a certain age for very, very, very good reasons.

Ah, here we go, jump on the easy target who came out with the obviously daft comment, right at the end.

The 14 yr old I know who had a baby is now in her final year at uni.

Her mum had to give up the ft job she enjoyed to provide free child care, scuppering all her plans and causing a lot of tension in her marriage, but hey, her daughter is having a lovely time.

Well no @JustCallMeMsVPollard Because it's been pointed out extensively throughout this thread why you CAN'T compare a 30-something yr old woman to a 14yr old child. @Expatinscotland has just repeated it for the millionth time as have I upthread. It's a fallacious argument. And indeed that poster makes it quite clear why having a child at 14 would be problematic. No-one is 'jumping on an easy target'.

I know someone (colleague) who had a baby at 14. She's 22 now.

I was curious. ..so I asked what her parents thought about it. Her mum got pregnant at 15 ...her dad was also 15...as were her grandparents.

So I'm thinking the same will happen to her DD ...but really I see her as a youngster.

I can't judge because that's the way she was raised.

I'm pretty sure organising an abortion is far easier than navigating life with a new child for all involved (parents and teen included)

Well of course it is.

But the reality is that the choice is ultimately up to the person who is pregnant.

You can lay out the options, explain why you think abortion is the optimum choice in your opinion , but then it is up to the individual to take it all on board and reach their own decision.

My friend's daughter chose to go ahead with the pregnancy (at 14, gave birth at 15). She was assured of support whatever her choice but was given all the relevant advice and appraised fully of the harsh reality of being a mother vs the relative ease of terminating.

She has made a good go of it, and is now in her own flat - it's hard for her but she's doing a great job, and went back to school 4 months after giving birth to finish her schooling (her baby was in nursery whilst she was there).
Considering most women take far longer off work on maternity leave, I think she's shown some true grit & determination tbh.

You can bang on all you like about what you think someone else should do, but personal autonomy is personal autonomy - and at the end of the day, when faced with a pregnant 14 yr old your opinion is just that & nothing more - the ultimate choice is not yours to make.

Did you miss my previous posts?

It's utterly foolish to compare a 14 year old to a 30 year old. I'm not sure who did it to begin with, or why? Certainly wasn't me.

I could tell you, chapter and verse, why teenage motherhood can be problematic. Trust me, you have absolutely no need to point it out to me, at all

The only thing I would like is an acknowledgement (in general, not from you personally) that teenage motherhood does not equal some sort of eternal damnation and that girls who get pregnant in their teens are not all hopeless cases. Because we're not. Some people are really, really invested in the notion that it's all bound to be unremittingly awful and horrendous and it just isn't. I mean, gosh, talk about being consigned to the dustbin of life. Do you honestly not believe that people in their teens can make huge mistakes, enormous fuck ups, and get themselves into awful situations, and come out the other side reasonably OK?

I wouldn't judge her. I would feel sorry for her. I wouldn't judge her parents either, based on the pregnancy alone. Plenty of very young teens have sex, sadly. It doesn't mean her parents were crap.

If it was my 14 year old daughter I would encourage her to terminate the pregnancy. I would support her to a certain extent if she didn't but I would encourage her to terminate because a child should not be having a child. Regretting the termination is definitely much better than regretting a child.

I most certainly would not give up my job or life to look after my teen's baby.

I was 17 when I first got pregnant, he was born two days before I was 18. I had two others very young as well. I thought I was a great mum at that age and whilst I wouldn't say I was a bad mum, looking back I was a much better parent to my two youngest, simply because I was more mature.

I wouldn't want my children to follow my footsteps and there is a big difference between 14 and 18. A 14 year old is never going to make a good parent.

@crunch I don't know about other 14 yos but I don't think I missed out on anything. I did the same things after the birth that i did pre baby for me that was hanging with friends (plus an addition to our group in the form of a little person obvs), sleepovers (in the mother & baby foster home at first but not too much later wen I'd 'proven myself' I was allowed 2 go to my friends homes too), drama productions were doable but took a bit more planning as they were sometimes after school.
When I think about it, I think reading was the only thing I did less of after she was born which as an advanced reader i did miss but that happened again as an 'adult' mother wen i had my now 4.5to. I didn't sherk my responsibilities as a mother though if it was allowed, she went where I went, so only school was out of bounds.
Everything was still fun I just had an extra person to share it with.
I fully admit that I was very lucky though and not every1 is as supported as I was. I had a great foster mother and ss even offered 2 continue paying for my schooling & every1 there was beyond great, but from wot I heard at the groups I went 2 most girls parents wouldnt allow them do the things I did which I thought was sad but I never stopped inviting them out with me & my non-mommie friends.
X

'Do you honestly not believe that people in their teens can make huge mistakes, enormous fuck ups, and get themselves into awful situations, and come out the other side reasonably OK?'

Some most certainly can, and still many, many others do not, particularly one who is 14, a vast difference between that and a 17, 18 or 19 year old. It is much reliant on external support with someone who is 14, and this is why termination is indeed an equally valid choice.

'Her mum had to give up the ft job she enjoyed to provide free child care, scuppering all her plans and causing a lot of tension in her marriage, but hey, her daughter is having a lovely time.'

And what if she had not been able to do that, due to having other children to support, or if she were a carer to a child with SEN, or unable to sort accommodation for them all due to finances and council not having such availability. But hey, it's a great idea! They all do wonderfully, having a baby at 14.

I could tell you, chapter and verse, why teenage motherhood can be problematic.

As could I. Believe me.

@expat I am very well aware of wot is physically involved in pregnancy & childbirth at 14 thank u very much (have u actually rtft?) I was asking wot it was that people thought teen mums were missing out on.
Someone said childhood. Well apart from the sarcasm factor, that means nothing to me as childhood means different things to different people and everybody has different ideas of wot is a 'normal childhood'. For me pre baby my teen/childhood was abiding by the rules of the house, not bringing shame on mommy dearest, hanging with friends, and just generally being happy (as long as that did conflict with shaming my mother). Post birth I still did all this except it was a different house and bring shame on my foster mother was impossible because I hadn't done anything to be ashamed of.

My question was a genuine 1 not a sarcastic 1 and I certainly wasn't being stupid but thought I'd ask here as lots of posters had sed they'd feel sad for the things the girls wouldn't get to do.
Crunchytime sort of answered my question a little and I'm kind of saddened that either people have the wrong impression of teen mums or there are way too many girls out there who are continuing with their pregnancies but giving up on everything else when there's really no need. Schooling for 1 thing, nothing made me prouder of myself than hearing my then 2yo screaming at my schools awards assembly "that's my mummy, WELL DONE MUMMY"

Where is the OP? I thought I'd RTFT before replying and looked for further OP coloured posts but it looks like people are just talking amongst themselves

When I said drama productions I was thinking if my 14 year who rehearses for 5 months at a time for a school show. Rehearsal till 6pm 3 nights a week. Just before the show till 8pm and weekends too.
Lots of teenage hobbies have similar commitmentsearches. Sports certainly do.

What about getting the amount of sleep needed to work successfully at school?

@crunchtime oh I see like after school clubs and stuff? We did most of the rehearsals for our school plays etc during lessons with it running after school closer to showtime. We had like an hour (maybe hour and half) set out in our timetables each day for non curriculum activities, things like football, rugby, hockey, netball, dance, nature things etc that u did for half a term and then could do something but our school day finished at 4, although I did find time for gymnastics for a little bit post baby but wasn't my thing. At 13/14 we were more interested in sleepovers, makeovers, hanging out people watching. Cos I was a day boarder I didn't really have much time for other activities as the travel was an hour each way, so by the time homework was done it was eat, shower and sleep.
Sleepless nights I can absolutely see that would be something ud miss out on but that was short lived (starting 2 feel a bit like a fraud lol) although I felt beyond shitty for the first 3/4 weeks and I couldn't go back to school for 8 weeks.

Was genuinely curious cos the only other teen mums I've encountered were in my baby group and although a lot had some spare time where they could come hang out, they just weren't allowed.
X

mommy In my case I missed out on all the freedom most people have in their early 20's to mid 30's. But most of what people do at 20-25 I already had experienced from about 14 And having had dd young, I now have freedom that someone starting in their 30's doesn't. When they're dealing with teen angst at 50, I'll have a 30yr old. So for me, swings and roundabouts.

However even though you'll have freedom back earlier than me, let alone average age parents, I don't think teen years can be replaced down the line in the same way. I had a shitty childhood but even so, I had escape routes I wouldn't have had with a baby.

That said, I certainly don't think it is impossible to be a good mum at 14. If I'm honest ime younger mums generally cope with the physical demands/ exhaustion better because they have more energy. But mentally and emotionally it's a lot tougher.

I'd hope they got the support they needed.