To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

[Applestrawberryblackcurrant]

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

I would feel a bit sad that you had missed your childhood. But generally I think these things are none of my business. No, I would not be put off from becoming friends with a woman who had been a young mum.

I’d hope she’d had adequate support.

That’s it really.

@StaplesCorner. Please can you just answer the question: Can a 14year old girl, alone (totally by herself) because we're not starting from the expectation of help from parents or the state because we don't know the parents' circumstances and therefore might not be able to help. And we all know that the state doesn't give anyone money enough to enjoy a non-precarious life.
So let's just say we have a 14yr old girl that is pregnant. Let's for argument sake say she is 10 weeks along.
What can this 14 year old girl do solo to support herself and the baby? How will she actually manage?
Last time I checked I didn't see many high-court judges or even Tesco cashiers that were 14 years old.

There are some shitty, judgemental attitudes towards young mums, on mn, this thread and in rl. But it doesn't follow that everyone who thinks 14 isn't exactly the best choice has shitty or judgemental attitudes towards young mums.

There also aren't many 14yr olds with GCSEs. I wouldn't shun her, or treat her as some kind of pariah.

But thinking pragmatically what kind of life can a 14 year old give herself and her child alone?

In fact if we're going to use comparisons to 30 yr old women (which I personally think is a fallacious argument); do you not wonder why there are 30+ yr old women on the relationships board, for example, complaining that their partners are hiding wealth and chasing their ex partners or husband through CMS? Some women gave up work to become SAHM yet find themselves in shit once divorce is on the cards. I would always encourage any woman whatever her age or background to maintain independence regardless of marital or child status.

So how, just how.... can a 14 year-old deal with all this?

I haven't seen any claims that it's a wonderful choice, though I admit I scan read parts.

You'll have to take my word for it re the particular vitriol aimed at young mothers. I have had direct experience of it myself in RL, I'm guessing you haven't. I do see echoes of it on this thread, however.

As for injections of realism - teenage mothers have enough of that. We're all perfectly aware of the realities. That doesn't mean our lives should be doom and gloom from the moment of conception onwards. Women have come on to this thread repeatedly and said "yes it was hard, no I wouldn't recommend it, but actually, I've done OK". That is not whitewashing reality, that is our reality, and as usual some people begrudge us ownership of our own lives, because they are so fixated on putting us in a box.

In a wider context, I feel its an example of how women, once they deviate from any kind of social norm/fall from grace, are simply never forgiven. Perhaps teenage mothers get it more because their "sin" is particularly visible. I'm perfectly aware that I'll be judged for the rest of my life based on decisions I made aged 15, this despite ticking the other boxes of a nominally successful, at least respectably ordinary, adult life. People can see "where I went wrong" very quickly, certainly as soon as they see my DC and do the maths. I honestly do not feel, at this stage, that the age I gave birth defines who I am, but many other people seem to disagree

I wouldn't judue them at all except to think "ouch", I don't know why since most 14 year olds I know are taller than me, but I'd feel sorry for them having to go through the pain of child birth when they're still a child. Aside from that I think I'd feel impressed that they were brave enough and then no further judgement. Plenty of girls I knew had sex at that age and I had an accidental pregnancy at 19 so I don't think you can judge really. Everyone is so different.

StaplesCorner I was going to mention the judgement re fat people as well, but thought I'd better not, as no doubt someone would miss the point and decide i was comparing teenage pregnancy to being overweight

PS hubbys mum got pregnant with him at 16 in the early 70s and his biological father disappeared as soon as he found out. She went on to have him and I'm so grateful because he's amazing and it must have been awful to be a single mum at 17 then. She was so brave. At 19 in 2001 I was too scared to even consider continuing my pregnancy and it's the only real regret I have!

VladimirsPoutine of course a 14 year old can't support a child on her own. But she won't be 14 forever, and with the right support there is no reason why she can't manage it eventually.

I've had the sneering judgement too just but the old bitch who was the worse culprit did in fact ge

What can this 14 year old girl do solo to support herself and the baby? How will she actually manage?

But in that respect, she is no different from a 14 year old without a baby. We expect 14 year olds to be supported by their parents. Her parents don’t suddenly disappear if she becomes pregnant. In terms of having a termination, I doubt many 14 year olds could organise that without support either.

Supporting your own child yes, supporting a child to have a child is nothing like the same thing.

Old enough to decide to become a parent (pregnancy doesn't have to mean baby) should mean old enough to support the child. No fourteen year old is in a position to do that so they make the choice on behalf of somebody else, either a parent or the state.

I would have a kind of admiration for her. Not for falling pregnant at that age, but carrying on with the pregnancy, not choosing abortion; all the while, knowing that she and her family would be judged over the pregnancy. It takes strength.

I imagine if a fourteen year old was completely on their own and pregnant and wanted to keep the baby , the state would step in ?

Well said, Risen and the other posters defending the young mother.

I admire her too. She chose to welcome and love her child. It might be best for her to give a wide berth to the op and her friend, as they are not on the same level as this strong young mother, she is of a higher class than they.

@CecilyP So what is the point you are making then?

I'm pretty sure organising an abortion is far easier than navigating life with a new child for all involved (parents and teen included).

We expect 14 year olds to be supported by their parents. Her parents don’t suddenly disappear if she becomes pregnant.

Surely you must see some kind of difference between a parent nagging their 14yr old to make sure she's sorted out her bag for school tomorrow and a parent wondering how they'll find the extra money and space for their impending grandchild?

There is a thread running on Chat at the minute. It's about the film Philomena, and people are sharing stories of their elderly female relatives, who became pregnant out of wedlock and were forced to give up their babies, due to pressure from their families and society as a whole.

Everyone is saying "gosh, how sad"

Posted too soon- but it seems that for some people, a good deal of time and distance is necessary before they can apply a bit of empathy to girls in that situation.

Vladimirs I don't know what you're getting at, is there a point? Did you ask me earlier and I didn't notice? If I answer will that make it all ok?

VPollard - yes, its is sad. All sorts of thoughts come after that, but basically, its sad, I'd be worried for the young girl in question. Abortion would be one of the options for her (if the girl lived in a country where she could access that) but I am utterly at a loss as to why Vlad and co are insistent that its the first choice and has to be the main thrust of this thread; how did people come to that conclusion?

I’d hope that things had worked for her and that she’d made up for lost time after. I definitely wouldn’t judge her. Because there’s nothing to judge.

You're wrong in my case just. I was on the receiving end of young mum judging. And I'd defend anyone in that position. What I would think of a 14yr old mum, and how I would treat her don't have to directly correlate to what I think of it as a life plan in general terms.

I'd feel bad for her. She's still only a child herself even tho she won't feel that way. She'd be missing out on so much important stuff, growing up slowly, fun, freedom & adventure. No matter how much she loves the child & does her best to be a good mum she doesn't have the wisdom & experience of those years behind her so everything will be really really hard.

Wouldn't keep my distance but eventually her friends will all move on with their lives so unless she has incredibly close, stable & loving family who can stick by her she's in for a tough time. Realise that all sounds awful & there's lots of exceptions to the above but I would want to be in that position.

Hope your friends ok.

Can a 14year old financially support a child? Well not by working at 14 no because it's illegal to work enough hours to pay bills, but that's not really a fair argument because I know many 30 something's who couldnt afford to have a child on their own wages but have had children & receive tax credits, and I've seen hundreds of threads saying "oh but don't forget u'll get child tax and child benefit". Didnt have child tax wen I had my dd but did get a portion of my foster allowance paid to me (basically what was left after my foster mother quite rightly took out the cost of me living there) and child benefit and it was more than enough to support my dd on so I was financially responsible for my baby from the second she was born. I then started a proper job on my 16th birthday (and paid for childcare) so we were comfortable.
But I disagree that a persons financial situation decides whether they are a good mum or not.

Is it a good idea for every 14yo to be a mother? No but after the obvious health issues mainly its because society sets u up to fail from the very start. Only 14? Well u can't legally have a job for more than a few hours a week. Everything is harder to negate because either judgemental assholes won't give u a chance/constantly tell u ur fucked/don't say anything but its written all over their faces or money hungry media twats see pound signs and take complete advantage in the name of wot makes a good news story.

I'd also really love to know what it is that teen mothers are missing out on by having babies because that has always baffled me.