To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

[Applestrawberryblackcurrant]

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

I completely misunderstood Vlad's post, I took it literally, that she would not be keeping it. Which baffled me because, although rare, some do not terminate, so how could you be so certain? That's what made me think forced or coerced. Apologies.

When parents say "He will eat his vegetables*, I always think "huh? How? You can't physically ram them down his throat if he doesn't want them?". I take thinks literally at times.

I think I might have been misunderstanding it too. Was that not what you meant to say, Vlad.

When did life become so cheap that we say it is only okay to bear children in perfect circumstances and otherwise abortions should be forced on them?

No-one has said this. Literally No person on this thread has said this.

So I guess I got you wrong then. If you fourteen year old was pregnant and chose to carry the baby to term you word support her?

I just don’t think the other extreme of it WILL end in disaster is helpful.

It’s a virtuous circle, too, because contrary to the glib jokes above about how “it isn’t catching!” there’s a wealth of evidence that teen pregnancy is contagious and the fewer girls young women see getting pregnant, the lower their chances are in turn.

But surely if a girl from school for example was pregnant, not socialising with them wouldn’t solve this problem like some pps were saying, they’d still know they exist.

I won’t answer for Vlad but I’ll answer for myself - my daughter would not do this. My daughter would not keep the baby.

This question is as bizarre as if you asked me “What if you 14 year old daughter cake and told you she was running away to join the merchant navy?” When I say, “she would not” I don’t mean “I’d lock her in the attic to stop her” I mean “that is such a bizarre, off-the-wall, self-destructive desire to have, so contrary to the dreams and aspirations she has for herself, she would never do this”.

The girls who do this are a minority of less than 1.3 in a thousand.

My daughter is more likely to run away and join the circus. Thank heavens.

ConfusedWife1234 I'd strongly advise her to have a termination.

@alpineibex It was my wording. Of course you cannot literally pin someone down and cut a foetus out of them unless you are

My daughter is more likely to run away and join the circus. Thank heavens.

brilliant! Just brilliant.

Omg, I didn't mean that! I don't really know what I meant, I was just confused by the wording...
But I certainly didn't have that in mind

In terms of contagion, the highest risk factor is a pregnant teen sister, then a friend (pregnancy is “catching” from friends regardless of age!). A random girl at school is much less risky. But not no risk altogether - another thing clouding this conversation is that geography and income play a huge part in how “normal” this is. Some schools have much, much higher rates of pregnancy than others.

There’s also lots of evidence that commencing sexual activity is linked to peers as well. Again, much fewer 14 year olds are having sex now as there were even as recently as the 90s.

I see holdme my DD is only 2 so I’m talking from a hypothetical POV!

Obviously I didn’t think you’d try and physically force someone as you wouldn’t get very far I was thinking more coercion.

14 is no age to have a baby its very sad, but as long as DC is fed clothed and looked after. I had DD at 20 many people said it was too young , do I regret it? No. I went clubbing etc 18-20 years old two years of that was enough for me. I have an average paying job with progression OH has a good job own two houses DD is nearly 5 , we go on exotic holidays do I want anymore DC eventually but I'm taking my time. I feel like it will be only socially acceptable to have DC aged 40 or over the way society is going having a baby in your 20's seems frowned upon sometimes.

I wouldn't judge her for getting accidentally PG at 14. There but for the grace of God go many of us.

But I'd assume any girl of 14 who wanted to go ahead with the pregnancy and keep the baby was unhappy deep down and trying to compensate for something else missing in her life. Either that or she would have very low aspirations and expectations for herself, probably as a result of growing up around other people with low aspirations and expectations.

I would just really, really hope that the decision to keep the pregnancy was hers alone and not influenced by the hope/expectation of building a life with the father of the baby. I know there are posters on this thread saying their teen relationships did work out but it’s not the case for the majority. I feel sorry for all the women I know who kept their unplanned pregnancies at 17-20 anticipating that they would be marrying their partner but then ended up single parents.

There were two girls in my year at school who had babies at 15. Neither ended up with much education and seem to intermittently work minimum wage jobs. However I think that would have been their lot in life regardless of early motherhood. If I met them in a mother and baby group I wouldn’t ignore them but I wouldn’t imagine I’d have much in common with them.

And frankly, I would much rather a 14 year old girl had regrets about having an abortion than regrets about having a baby.

I would think I hope she has good support as a baby is hard work and a huge responsibility at any age.

Of course I wouldn’t give her a wide berth - who would do that??

If it were my daughter (they’re past this age now but if they had), I’d make sure she knew all the options available to her and I’d support her with whatever she wanted.

Honestly though, I would hope she’d choose a termination just because of the huge impact it would have on her life. I was 19 and married when I had my first child and, in hindsight, that was too young for me. Everyone is different though and I’d never judge.

If a 14 year old became pregnant deliberately, I’d wonder what was lacking in her life or what she was trying to get away from, for sure.

You really cannot compare having a baby at 14 to having one at 17, 19, 20. Even physiologically, there are major differences.

I know someone who had a baby at 14, is still with the father now. She made a success of life, had another child at 17 then worked her way up the ladder to a good career at senior management level and is now retired. Doesn't necessarily mean you're a bad person or can't go on to better things. No reason to give them a wide berth.

There hardly seems to be a successful woman in the country who didn’t have a baby at 14.............

It depends how you measure success Bert

Huh. NC for this, but apparently people like me don't exist, so perhaps I shouldn't have bothered.

I was pregnant at 15, had my baby when I had just turned 16.

Went back to (grammar) school, did A Levels.
Went to RG university, got my degree.
Got a job, got a car, rented a house, sent DC to school, got married.

Bought my first house aged 26. I'm still in my 20s now.

I'm not earning shed loads of money, my job is of the vocational "work your way up" variety, but if all goes to plan I'll be professional level within the next few years. If not, well, I love what I do and it pays the bills.

I would have been a rubbish business owning multimillionaire, but I can't say that was ever the plan

My DC is doing extremely well. Very academic child, top of class etc,plenty of friends etc.

My parents are both professionals who were working full time when I got pregnant. They were devestated of course, but they were supportive. They didn't raise my baby though, I did. I basically flexi-schooled.

It was absolutely not their fault I got pregnant, or a reflection on their parenting. I was an intelligent but socially hopeless teen, who unfortunately crossed the path of a very nasty, though outwardly charming, middle class "naice" boy. He has nothing to do with my child but has gone on to make plenty of other people miserable as an adult man.

Would I recommend having a baby as a teenager? No I wouldn't. Do I think it's the end of the world if it does happen? No I don't. It bloody well seemed to be when I was 15, but now as an adult, I'm very happy and so is my family, and as an adult I'm doing all the things you'd expect.

Honestly, it all feels so long ago. I think that's what I am rather clumsily trying to say. Teenage motherhood does have an expiry date. At some point, the girl becomes a woman. I don't believe on defining grown women solely by their role as mother, and I think it's worth bearing that in mind with girls too.

Sorry I'm not an Oxbridge don though - what a disappointment. Lorna Sage managed something similar, though I can't recall if it was Oxbridge or somewhere else.

I think all the recounting of success stories, of which I'm 'guilty' (and consider myself one, kind of, not rich but well-educated and reasonably comfortable ), and which some on this thread object to so vehemently, is a response to those saying 'she's thrown away her life'. It just doesn't have to be that way, and that prophecy may be more likely to come true if it is screamed at the poor child who has reached a difficult decision, or just found themselves in those circumstances. I was a very responsible 17 year old (in a warped teenage way), and took the view that if I had unprotected sex I had a risk of getting pregnant and was responsible for the consequences. As others have said though, 17 isn't 14. My friend who had a child at 15 got caught with a split condom the first time and didn't realise she was pregnant until she was 6 months gone, and she does teach in a private school, and probably wouldn't want to shout her past from the rooftops in case the naice middle class parents got all judgy...

Anyway my view is that getting pregnant at 14 is a bad idea. Abortion would be the best thing for most girls, but noone can or should be able to force it, and if the girl does have a baby, she should be encouraged to make the most of her life and not told it's all over.

Yes, flowers and MrsV

It’s ... a different life. If you see your life as very narrow and conforming rigidly to school, A levels, university, job, marriage, babies, children, job again, grandchildren ... then any deviation from that will naturally be a devastation.

If you see life as more dealing with stuff as and when it arrives, accepting that sometimes you go off road and it’s a bumpy ride but you can still have a laugh on the way, isn’t that better for all concerned?

I have heard ‘you have ruined your life’ a lot, and yet in the words of Elton john, am still standing, as perhaps from the outside some things look just awful but when you’re in them, they aren’t.

I’m nothing special so probably didn’t articulate that awfully well.

I completely agree flowersonthepiano

I absolutely think an early abortion is the best option for a pregnant 14 year old, but there's a variety of reasons why it doesn't always get to that point. Let's not forget that there are still parts of the UK where abortion is illegal, for a start.

I think there's still a kneejerk "ugh, little slut" reaction to the idea of teenage girls having sex, even though many people wouldn't admit to it. Like I said, I am thick skinned, and at this stage in my life it barely registers. Worth pointing out that the fathers of these babies are almost never lumped in with the same "teenage pregnancy is xyz" narrative. It's as if they don't exist.
If people want to call me names and question my judgement, they are welcome to, everyone is entitled to their opinion. The only thing I ask is that they apply the same logic to the other party involved. Somehow this never seems to happen.

falang that's a nice story of triumph over adversity and I half expected you to follow it up by telling us she's a Forever Living 'business owner' @ sacktheboss @bossbabe blah blah, but honestly that sort of outcome for most young teen mothers is so, so rare that it's hardly worth mentioning.

In fact I'd say it could be quite damaging for teenaged girls to read things like that. It could make them think that having a baby while they are barely out of childhood themselves is no big deal and the world can still be their oyster. It can't. At least not for 99% of them.

The reality for the vast majority of teen mums is the very opposite of a happy and financially secure outcome where she gets to retire early with her childhood sweetheart by her side, surrounded by the fruits of your labours.