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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

846 replies

Applestrawberryblackcurrant · 24/02/2018 12:13

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

OP posts:
harlaandgoddard · 25/02/2018 02:19

So what are you suggesting Vladmirs? Unless you’re talking about forced contraception/abortion/adoption, you can’t prevent teenagers getting pregnant.

I’m not suggesting that it’s ok at all, like I said If it was my daughter I’d advise her to have an abortion.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 25/02/2018 02:21

The goalposts have just shifted, though. First people were taking about their cousins who were pregnant at 14 and are now judges and hospital consultants. When asked to show a single example of one woman with that profile, nobody can name one. That very heartwarming article (from Tennessee. 7 years ago.) is about a young woman who is really impressive. But she’s not a QC, she’s not a consultant, she’s not a millionaire. She basically didn’t see her son for 11 years while she graduated from a mixture of community and state college, and is now a local construction lawyer. Again, that’s an amazing accomplishment for where she started out from.

But posters here started out saying that 14 yo mothers can become judges, consultants, and Oxbridge millionaires. It’s just bullshit goalpost shifting to now turn around and say “well we can’t all be genius CEOs”

No, everybody can’t. But lots of women can and do. Just not 13/14/15 yo mothers.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 02:22

@DrewBerry95 Are we actually agreeing but in a different way here? I've been on MN since this morning so forgive me if it's not in the song book. But:
they should be supported and guided as such.
By whom? Their parents or the state?
Teenage pregnancy will always exist
It will and I will do my very best to discourage it.

What is the point you are making? That it's totally fine for a 14yr old to think she can make it solo in the world with her baby?

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 02:26

@harlaandgoddard I'm suggesting abortion abortion abortion and after that contraception. I can't prevent teens getting pregnant, I agree - I will do my best to advise them on contraception so they don't find themselves in that position to begin with, but I will be damned if I just hand-hold my 14yr old daughter through pregnancy. It will not work. She will have an abortion,

alpineibex · 25/02/2018 02:30

Would all you who think this 14yr old should just crack on and give birth say that of a 13yr old or a 9yr old?

What would be the alternative to them cracking on with it? Forced abortion? There's not a lot you can do after it's happened.

alpineibex · 25/02/2018 02:31

Wow. Yep. What are you gonna do? Pin her down ?

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 02:35

@alpineibex Well 24 weeks is a long time isn't it?

alpineibex · 25/02/2018 02:36

So you'd be hoping to convince her rather than force her?

alpineibex · 25/02/2018 02:39

Because the she will have an abortion sounds like you'd try to force her if you didn't manage to convince her, like it's an absolute.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 02:41

I'm not sure you can really 'force' anyone. I'm not a doctor, I can't 'pin her down' as you mentioned just slightly upthread. But I would most certainly make clear that abortion is the best possible option.

harlaandgoddard · 25/02/2018 02:42

And if she hid it from you for 20 weeks then what? Force her to give the baby up for adoption? It’s barbaric.

alpineibex · 25/02/2018 02:43

Ok, sorry, it was the assured "she will have" that sounded quite forceful, like there was no room for her to refuse.

alpineibex · 25/02/2018 02:45

If I aborted my child or gave her away, and lived to regret it, whomever told me it was a good idea would live to regret that.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 02:46

@harlaandgoddard You know what else is 'barbaric' - bringing a child into the world when you know you cannot support it from the off. Circumstances change - I know that. But there is no 14yr old in this world who is ready to be a mother.

ConfusedWife1234 · 25/02/2018 02:50

No 14 year old in the world is ready to be a mother. Well, I am not sure. Isn‘t this a normal age for marriage/ having the first child in many countries.
I think two hundred years ago it would have been pretty normal in the western countries too.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 02:55

Well, I am not sure. Isn‘t this a normal age for marriage/ having the first child in many countries.

Which is currently a source of concern, and the work of many to change this so-called 'tradition'.

I think two hundred years ago it would have been pretty normal in the western countries too.

Good thing its 2018 I guess. I doubt you'd have enjoyed life 200 years ago if you were using the 21st century as a benchmark.

harlaandgoddard · 25/02/2018 02:55

But there is no 14yr old in this world who is ready to be a mother and I agree definitely in this society but there are worse things that happen and people do regret abortions.

Do you think every underage parent would have an abortion if they could turn back the clock?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 25/02/2018 03:00

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/conceptionandfertilityrates/datasets/conceptionstatisticsenglandandwalesreferencetables

Top chart. Table 1.

The plummeting rates of teenage conception is one of the greatest public health achievements of 21st century Britain. In fact, given the overwhelmingly negative health and social outcomes for young teen mothers and their children, it’s probably the most impressive public health achievement in the U.K. for decades.

It’s a virtuous circle, too, because contrary to the glib jokes above about how “it isn’t catching!” there’s a wealth of evidence that teen pregnancy is contagious and the fewer girls young women see getting pregnant, the lower their chances are in turn.

I share the figures above because they clearly show that every year, about twice as many pregnant U-16s abort as keep the pregnancy.

I share this because despite literally no posters saying “I’d force my daughter to have an abortion” (unsurprisingly- that’s a serious crime) some posters seem unable to stop putting words in people’s mouths.

You don’t need to force them. The overwhelming majority of 14 year old girls are not sexually active. Those that are use contraception. Those whose contraception fails and who are unlucky enough to be part of the 300-odd pregnant 14 yos in all of England and Wales are twice as likely to abort as keep the pregnancy.

When mothers say “my daughter would not stay pregnant” they are not proposing committing a serious crime. Neither are they hopelessly naive. They are realistic - this is a horror story to the vast majority of teenage girls. The tiny amount (double, not triple figures each year) who continue the pregnancy are incredibly unusual.

ConfusedWife1234 · 25/02/2018 03:02

Well, I was not pregnant at 14 and I think that is a good thing... but if I had been pregnant at 14 I think I would have enjoyed been married at 14 like they did 200 years ago far more than having an abortion forced at me at 14 like they do now. Not everything gets only better with time.

I am very much pro choice but I do think forcing somebody to have an abortion or pressuring him to have an abortion is horribleand i personally am sure that it would have broken me if that would have ever happened to me.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 03:04

Do you think every underage parent would have an abortion if they could turn back the clock?

No. I don't think that. Who can really know... I'm sure it worked out for some and didn't for others. But the discussion of it as just being a sort of casual, normal experience and that it 'will all be fine' is what I am arguing against. Because by and large when you're 14 - it won't.

ConfusedWife1234 · 25/02/2018 03:06

Holdme this is a Horror Story to the vast majority of teenage girks and you think being forced to have an abortion is not a personal horror story for a fourteen year old?

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 03:07

@ConfusedWife1234 What is the point you have just made. I don't understand it.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 03:08

I meant this comment:

Well, I was not pregnant at 14 and I think that is a good thing... but if I had been pregnant at 14 I think I would have enjoyed been married at 14 like they did 200 years ago far more than having an abortion forced at me at 14 like they do now. Not everything gets only better with time. I am very much pro choice but I do think forcing somebody to have an abortion or pressuring him to have an abortion is horribleand i personally am sure that it would have broken me if that would have ever happened to me.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 25/02/2018 03:13

No. I think the vast majority of 14 year olds would be sprinting for an abortion if they were pregnant. It is a nightmare for them.

This handwringing over wicked MNer mothers criminally forcing abortions on their teenagers is a total red herring. Nobody needs to force because only a truly tiny number of young girls want this.

Every MNer who has said their daughter would have abortion is saying it because it’s almost certainly true. Their daughters are delaying sex, using more reliable long term contraception than ever before - because they want more from life than this.

ConfusedWife1234 · 25/02/2018 03:13

My point is that it is wrong to force a fourteen year old (or a person of any age for that matter) to have an abortion. When did human life become so cheap?

I do not say that fourteen year olds should have children. It is better to wait, but we are talking about a fourteen year old who is already pregnant, right?

Women can bring up children in less then perfect circumstances. They always did, look at human history. When did life become so cheap that we say it is only okay to bear children in perfect circumstances and otherwise abortions should be forced on them?

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