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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

846 replies

Applestrawberryblackcurrant · 24/02/2018 12:13

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 25/02/2018 01:48

I would feel pity for her, contempt for the poor parenting she likely received and if the father was older dearly hope he would be prosecuted.

GetOutOfMYGarden · 25/02/2018 01:49

I'd feel quite sorry for them, and wish them the best of luck with it all.

Other than that I'd mind my own business unless there was an obvious safeguarding issue (like it was a teacher who knocked her up)

doesthislookoddtoyou · 25/02/2018 01:50

Yeah, someone actually said upthread that ‘it does not happen, ever’, someone else said are you living in a fairytale, then you said super successful woman who became mothers at a young age don’t exist?

Because it doesn't. Girls who have babies at 14 do not go on to be oxbridge scholars and fortune 500 ceo's. It doesn't happen. You seem to have confused that with going to school for some reason, which obviously does happen.

harlaandgoddard · 25/02/2018 01:50

I’m not saying they are CEOs or barristers, I’d imagine most people without kids aren’t? Just that it’s perfectly possible to still have a good career/job. Having a baby doesn’t ruin your life.

doesthislookoddtoyou · 25/02/2018 01:50

Having a baby doesn’t ruin your life

at 14? It usually does.

harlaandgoddard · 25/02/2018 01:51

Sorry with kids

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 01:53

at 14? It usually does.

And here endeth the lesson.

alpineibex · 25/02/2018 01:55

www.timesfreepress.com/news/life/entertainment/story/2011/jul/05/she-never-said-i-cant/53289/

Well, here's one success story.

DrewBerry95 · 25/02/2018 01:56

Do they have to do incredible things?

Can’t they just be ordinary people with ordinary kids doing ordinary jobs?

This. No one would blink twice at a 30 something saying they're having a baby/have children and are just in general admin or something.

But come across someone who had a baby very young and it's as if they just do something to 'break the mould' in order to gain some form of acceptance.

Load of waffle.

alpineibex · 25/02/2018 01:57

Very difficult, and an exception, she had to sacrifice a lot of time with son.

DrewBerry95 · 25/02/2018 01:57

oversky just realised you are the lovely lady from my thread Grin

harlaandgoddard · 25/02/2018 01:58

Well then you’ve got a self-fulfilling prophecy which isn’t going to help anyone. I personally know 3 people who’s lives are not ruined, but I’m probably lying too.

alpineibex · 25/02/2018 01:59

Let's not pretend like all the young mum's out there who had a baby under 16, would have been going on to high-flying careers in the first place. Some, maybe, but not all. Plenty of people without kids won't get food grades at school, or will end up with a low-paid job.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 01:59

No one would blink twice at a 30 something saying they're having a baby/have children and are just in general admin or something.

Yes, you're right. I have come across many 30-somethings that just do a job to pay the bills but guess what.... they are NOT 14. What kind of typical admin job do you think your typical 14yr old could get to support herself and her baby? None. That's it. None.

DrewBerry95 · 25/02/2018 02:03

The thing is, I know quite a few young mums. All ranging from 14-19.

None are bad mums. All do a fantastic job, actually. My concern wouldn't be their DC. It would be them. You can be as fabulous a Mum as anyone at 14 but it's the young Mum herself I feel slightly sorry for. They miss out on quite a bit.

But that's life, to be honest. There will always be teenage pregnancies and life goes on. They make the best of it and good on them. Not everyone must dance to the same tunes

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 02:03

And they don't have to 'break the mould' in order to be successful. But how many of them can achieve anything remotely independently at 14 with a baby to look after?

I left home when I was very young, but I never once had to consider anyone else's needs but my own. You patently cannot compare a woman in her 30s doing some sort of admin for a company to a 14year old pregnant child wondering what classes she has tomorrow.

I'm not saying it will all end in tears (though it mainly does), but I am asking people to use a bit of common sense and see that a 14yr old cannot be a responsible parent.

DrewBerry95 · 25/02/2018 02:06

Yes, you're right. I have come across many 30-somethings that just do a job to pay the bills but guess what.... they are NOT 14. What kind of typical admin job do you think your typical 14yr old could get to support herself and her baby? None. That's it. None

Meh, the people I had in mind when I wrote that actually do rely on state top ups too so I won't pretend they alone are supporting the DC. I'm not saying that's bad, but I'm just pointing out that a job doesn't always solely support a family.

Where as the younger mother may well go on to do more. Who knows. Maybe she won't. The ideal and realistic are different.

Ideally, she would go on to do something amazing like being a Dr or whatever else. Realistically, she may well just become an administrator or work in a pharmacy. Both are fine. That's how life works for a good proportion of society

We won't all become high flying career people and that's actually not a bad thing

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 02:09

And if we are to go down this road, where do we draw the line? Some girls start menstruating at 8/9 yrs old? Where is the cut off? Where do we deem it acceptable? As a PP had asked me upthread about the cut off regarding when it is acceptable. I answered that it was somewhere in a spectrum of being able to support oneself and ones own child other factors mitigating such as work, partners, circumstances. So would all you who think this 14yr old should just crack on and give birth say that of a 13yr old or a 9yr old?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 25/02/2018 02:09

Tbh, I think part of it is that when people say “she turned out to be a great mum” they mean “social services didn’t take the baby off her”. When they say “she has a good career” they mean she has a job. When they say she has an amazing husband, they mean she has a normal husband who’s much nicer than the useless 14 year old she chose for her first kid’s father. When they say she has a lovely life they mean she has a stable housing situation and is happy.

Which is great! I do agree that the above is, though challenging, not an impossible dream for a pregnant 13/14 yo. But it’s not the full and secure life most women want for themselves and their children. Just getting to this bare minimum, just getting above the poverty line, will be so hard for that child (the child mother, I mean).

And all this “snooty” talk - wanting more than hard graft for the bare minimum that 21st century Britain has to offer is not fucking snooty. A degree, a job that pays enough to buy a house and nice things for your children is not a privileged fantasy. It is the least most people expect from life and they are RIGHT to want life to be more than a slog below the poverty line.

ittakes2 · 25/02/2018 02:11

I would feel sorry for them, but I certainly wouldn’t judge them critically. It’s not uncommon for 14 year olds to have sex - so I wouldn’t feel differently about them because they accidentally got pregnant. Interestingly, I would feel critical towards anyone judging them - everyone makes mistakes and teenagers are no exception.

DrewBerry95 · 25/02/2018 02:11

Vladmir Well hardly anyone at 14 can do things 'independently' but I don't think that makes them and irresponsible parent, like you say.

A responsible parent ensures their child is safe, clean and happy. I'm fairly certain it's possible to do those things for your DC at 14.

Being responsible includes seeking help when you need it, which 14 year olds also do when they find themselves with a baby whilst still in school.

These 14 year olds aren't 14 forever. Before the child is even in school, they can work and even work and study at the same time. More than enough time to set a good example for the child before they become aware their Mum isn't particularly interested in life progression... although I don't know any 5 year olds who care or can put 2 and 2 together about that anyway

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 02:12

We won't all become high flying career people and that's actually not a bad thing.

It isn't a bad thing. High flyers will always require underlings. But can you honestly tell me a 14yr old is capable of all this responsibility. Or should be expected to do this when their primary concern really should be if they've done their maths homework and have their PE kit in the bag for tomorrow?

DrewBerry95 · 25/02/2018 02:14

A degree, a job that pays enough to buy a house and nice things for your children is not a privileged fantasy. It is the least most people expect from life and they are RIGHT to want life to be more than a slog below the poverty line

I have a good job and so does my DH. Neither of us have a degree.

We are actually much more wealthy than our 'degree' peers.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 02:15

These 14 year olds aren't 14 forever.

This is the fucking point. So let them be 14 and do all that before expecting them to rise to the challenge of being a parent.

DrewBerry95 · 25/02/2018 02:18

Most people don't expect them to rise to the challenge but if that's their wish, they should be supported and guided as such.

It isn't ideal but it's life and no one gets anywhere with 'what ifs'. You just get on with it. Teenage pregnancy will always exist

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