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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

846 replies

Applestrawberryblackcurrant · 24/02/2018 12:13

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

OP posts:
overskyandshire · 24/02/2018 23:03

Don’t be a dingbat, reddit Confused

Spottytop1 · 24/02/2018 23:04

@notmyredditusername365 how many 14/15 year old mothers have you met? If none you can't actually comment on how they can parent can you??

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 24/02/2018 23:09

Reddit is not being a dingbat. Look a bit closer to home.

frutti · 24/02/2018 23:09

Surely the more support she receives the more likely all will be better in the end?
Giving anyone a wide berth for a tough time is a bit cruel. She probably is already getting judged by a lot of people. It’s up to you to decide if you want to join them.
Personality if his was my dd I was be mortified but know full well without any support she’d be on the road to failure.
Most people know someone who got pregnant young and either failed or was a success. The background is usually the answer to their future as a very young mum.

FWIW the vicars daughter in my school ended up pregnant at 16 so it really can happen to anyone. She went to uni, baby in tow and I have no idea what happened to her.
What’s done is done. IMO no one deserves to be judged for this. And for all you know something bad did happen for this to occur. She may never say it. So imagine how awful it would be to deal with that and be judged in a negative way by everyone.
I’d feel sorry for her and can’t imagine how isolating her life might become as a result for a very long time.

YourVagesty · 24/02/2018 23:12

I'd assume she had a useless set of parents and feel sorry for her, if i'm honest.

overskyandshire · 24/02/2018 23:13

It is being a dingbat to state that all fourteen year olds are the same.

Besides, motherhood changes us all.

YassQueen · 24/02/2018 23:19

Personally I'd feel I'd failed as a parent if my dd had a friend with a baby

I'd feel I'd failed as a parent if my DD deliberately contributed to the isolation young mums can feel. I'd feel I'd failed even more if she behaved that way because I encouraged her to end the friendship.

carnivalisover · 24/02/2018 23:19

Family member and partner were given ‘married quarters’ at Oxbridge, aged 18 with toddler. 9 years later both graduated, one teaching, one doing phd, four kids.

notgivingin789 · 24/02/2018 23:21

I have met a great many individual 14 year olds and none of them would have made great parents. It just isn't possible at that age imo.

Hmm. I'm not sure. If I didn't have DS at 15/16, I would of agreed with you. But, in all honesty, it's surprising how many people mature and rise above a dire situation, when they are faced with no choice.

Take me for an example. When DS was 1, I knew his development was a bit off. When I went to college, I would bury myself in the college library, under the psychology section, reading about topics like; Autism, developmental disorders, child development etc and when he was just three, pushing through numerous of professionals, he received a diagnosis.

Looking back now, I can't believe at 16/ 17 I had the inkling and knowledge to do this (I had DS at 15 btw).To have the ability to notice something wasn't quite right with my DS, taking it upon myself to research, "fight" to get DS assessed. Ir just amazes me.

mommy2018 · 24/02/2018 23:26

I would have massive respect for her. I wouldn't assume anything about her situation and while I would feel sad for her it would only because of how people r going to judge her and even make nasty comments to her face

If she was just some girl I saw out and about now I'd probably make sure 2 smile but if I had been about her age I would of offered my friendship. I would never give her a wide berth.

I was 14yo wen I gave birth to my first child but she passed wen I was 18. I never regretted having her and I don't feel as though I missed out on anything. I wouldn't have wanted any1 to feel sad for me because I was pregnant or to think I was stupid or had ruined my life. Any1 who questioned y I didn't have an abortion would have been (and were) swiftly told were they could stick their massive nose.
I didn't pursue a formal higher education but that was nothing to do with having a baby so young, although I still left school with 4 GCSEs and did a travel and tourism course at college.
X

AbsolutelyCorking · 24/02/2018 23:37

I don’t believe a word of the stories of 14 year old mothers who went on to become brain surgeons and billionaires. Those kind of people just aren’t having sex at 13. A 14 year old has zero life experience so I’d feel very, very sad for her and her child (and parents).

Thehogfather · 24/02/2018 23:40

yass if you're going to quote me, at least read the full post.

I've no more suggested I'd encourage dd to end the friendship than you have.

overskyandshire · 24/02/2018 23:41

So what, they are supposed to condemn themselves to a life of benefits because you say so?

pallisers · 24/02/2018 23:46

To be honest, I wouldn't judge but I would feel sorry for a 14 year old who was pregnant. Very sorry. She is barely grown up (i had my first period at 14 as did my 2 dds. To think I would get pregnant on my first second or third menstrual cycle is horrific to me), her body has a lot of growth ahead of it and she cannot be a mother without significant support - most likely from her own mother. Also a 14 year old giving birth isn't actually ideal health-wise for that 14 year old.

If my daughters got pregnant at that age I would hope they would be ok with abortion.

I am amazed on this thread how many posters seem to think having a baby at 14 will be the making of you - off you go to do a phd or whatever. Surely you know the reality is utterly different. Or do you really believe in fairy-tales? And even if a 14 year old does go on to oxbridge or whatever after having a child, surely you recognise that is because she has sacrificed all sorts of things from her life and most likely so has her mother.

Bemused at the posters saying "ah well one more, surely a mother would welcome that even if it is a child from your 14 year old and put your life on hold to rear him" bizarre. I am a mother and I also have a life.

notgivingin789 · 24/02/2018 23:51

mommy2018 Flowers

crunchymint · 24/02/2018 23:52

Presumably she got pregnant at 13? I would assume she had either been raped, sexually exploited or neglected. So I would feel sorry for her and hope she got the support she needs.

YassQueen · 24/02/2018 23:54

At what age are you allowed to have a baby and still succeed in life?

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2018 23:54

To be fair over a lot of them will find themselves relying on the state if they are in the West. Those from families that could potentially afford a child will more often than not have an abortion. Why do you think there are so few middle/upper class 14 year olds NOT having babies? Clue: It isn't because they didn't receive the same advice about contraception.

Oddly enough if we hear about pregnant teens in developing countries there's condemnation all round.

The parents are not to blame. Parents can only do so much. At some point there is agency. Teenagers sometimes do things without really thinking about the consequences. I did many things as a teen that my parents would have been horrified by. The parents are not to blame for their lack of 'insight' or 'parenting' that's just not how it works.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2018 23:57

@YassQueen When you can confidently support the child and yourself independently. That's when. A lot of people are somewhere on that spectrum due to work/fertility/partners etc - it is never linear. But whatever becomes of all those interacting factors - it is not something to be decided at 14.

calmandbright · 24/02/2018 23:58

There’s no point judging though is there?! I would fleetingly think ‘omg that’s YOUNG’ but beyond that, well - it’s fack all to do with me (in the nicest possible way). If I was in contact with said mother (as in baby group or neighbour or whatever) I’d make the effort to talk and be inclusive. There’s a young girl near me who I see heading to school every day in uniform with a pram (I believe her DC is dropped off at a nursery on the way). I always think positively of her when I pass. I wouldn’t in a million years judge or speculate. Life is a rich tapestry isn’t it?

crunchymint · 24/02/2018 23:58

Actually middle class teens in the west get pregnant at the same rate as working class ones. But they are way more likely to have an abortion.

VladmirsPoutine · 25/02/2018 00:00

@crunchymint Who said otherwise?

Blonde87 · 25/02/2018 00:01

I'd think absolutely nothing different about the person and mind my own business.

bringbacksideburns · 25/02/2018 00:01

Come back to the thread yet OP?

Nah. Thought not.

Still. It's been an eye opener. And brought out a couple of absolutely massive snooty cunts with swinging bricks for hearts. Let's hope they don't have to face this in their families. But then it can't possibly happen when you are middle class and have morals and an unchaoric upbringing!

Lockheart · 25/02/2018 00:02

I would assume they were either the victim of abuse, had not been properly parented, or had made some poor life choices. I would not give them a ‘wide berth’ though Hmm

As to the careers argument - it is obvious from reading many people’s experiences on here, and from studies around the world, that having a child is a huge disadvantage to maintaining a career, and this disproportionately affects women. It is hard enough for a 30 year old with her education, adult life experience and an established career to maintain her career trajectory post-children. Imagine how hard it is for a 14 year old who hadn’t finished her education and has no career to begin with. It is not impossible to be a teenage mother and do well, but the odds are stacked against them and it will be infinitely harder for them than for their peers.