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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

846 replies

Applestrawberryblackcurrant · 24/02/2018 12:13

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

OP posts:
PollyShelbyLifeCoachServices · 24/02/2018 16:13

Yes choas, that's exactly what I'm saying. Neither of mine were any good at parenting me at any age, perhaps because i was a massive mistake, but i have three gorgeous kids and a lovely husband, I'm glad she didn't have an abortion wouldn't have judged her if she had, might have changed her life. Given that the next child she had at 19 was adopted from birth kind tells you all you need to know though....

PortiaCastis · 24/02/2018 16:13

Yes they are children in their own right and my dd is testament to that, she's now 19 and I'm very glad I kept her

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2018 16:15

@Spottytop1 I had no idea that you knew me or my background or my educational or work history. Yes, I have no idea. What other mysteries are you going to solve today!?

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 24/02/2018 16:15

I would expect my son to step up if he got a girl pregnant at 14.

PollyShelbyLifeCoachServices · 24/02/2018 16:16

I really do blame my dad becaus he was 17/18 the age i had my son, he had a really solid middle class family backing him, he did fuck all to support me and it made me even stronger, do yeah, i think he should have a) not slept with a 14 and b) bloody well looked after her better given he was almost a bloody adult. But that is just my opinion. My daughters are very well educated at 11, let me tell you, they know exactly where i came from...

Spottytop1 · 24/02/2018 16:16

@VladmirsPoutine well based on your comments clearly you didn't have a baby at 14 and neither did your children....

user1490607838 · 24/02/2018 16:16

Yes, middle class girls are way more likely to abort if they get pregnant in their teens, as they know it's the sensible thing to do. (Although let's face it, it is extremely unlikely that a girl from a middle class family will fall pregnant in her teens!)

95% of girls I know who had babies in their teens are from working class, or lower working class backgrounds, and didn't go on to achieve very much, despite claims from a few posters, that they, (or someone they know who had a baby at 16,) became a lawyer, a doctor, a pilot, a vet, or an astronaut yada yada....

My cousin who I only see a couple of times a year, (at the occasional extended-family event,) is in her early 40's, and ended up having 5 more kids and has never worked a day in her life. Same with almost every single woman I know who had kids in their teens.

Sorry, but girls who have kids in their teens rarely become university educated, high flying career women on £90K a year. It rarely happens. Despite all the defensive and angry comments on here saying otherwise.

PortiaCastis · 24/02/2018 16:17

What rubbish

beepthemeep · 24/02/2018 16:19

I would think it was absolutely none of my business, unless she happened to be family or a friend, in which case I'd do my best to provide help and support.

overskyandshire · 24/02/2018 16:20

It happens more than you might think, user

Stillwishihadabs · 24/02/2018 16:21

Goodness expat, I don't why this has annoyed you so much. As I said I think this was really quite common practice in the past and it still goes on (I have worked on maternity wards and with children's services for 20 years). Lots of these families are not wealthy (probably the majority) the baby would be entitled to CHB and WTC just like any other child, so some financial help is availible, if the new baby makes the family overcrowded then, they will be re-housed. For most of the families I see this is the obvious and best solution.
I'm not sure about abortion being better for these girls really, it can be quite traumatising and often causes problems in later planned pregnancies or (perhaps more) if fertility treatment is needed.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2018 16:22

@Spottytop1 Have you read all my comments on this thread? The posts I have written are genuine concerns. Tell me how a parent of a 14yr old - presuming she has caring parents is expected to shore up the extra money and space needed for a baby? From where? As @expatinscotland excellently put it, there is no magic money tree.

And as I have already said, for every 14yr old parent that went on to become some sort of hot-shot high-flyer there are plenty that just didn't and subsequently now reduced the life opportunities and life quality of at least 2 individuals (mother and baby, a starter for two).

kirinm · 24/02/2018 16:22

The irony @user of you suggesting women who have kids young amount to nothing when you're showcasing your astounding ignorance on here is laughable.

MaisyPops · 24/02/2018 16:23

I wouldn't judge the girl.

I would feel that the adults around her had let her down.

Groovee · 24/02/2018 16:23

My classmate had a baby at 15. 2 weeks post birth, she was in the exam hall doing her exams. With the support of her mum she continued through school and college. She's had a few more kids later on and is married and holds down a good job too. She's a far better mum than me imo.

C0untDucku1a · 24/02/2018 16:26

Is this your daughter op?

If it was my daughter i would support her choices and do everything i could to keep her in education.

My friend at school had a baby in year 11. She went on to to a degree and became a nurse. Her son has recently graduated from uni himself. She only had the one child.

Worldsworstcook · 24/02/2018 16:28

I'm curious why you're asking OP. There's obviously the embarrassment for the girls parents and the alienation of the girl but society instead should offer as much help, encouragement and support as possible.

meandmytinfoilhat · 24/02/2018 16:31

I wouldn't think anything of it.

AssassinatedBeauty · 24/02/2018 16:31

@Stillwishihadabs it's complete nonsense to suggest that an abortion might affect fertility or cause problems in subsequent pregnancies. Also abortions are not by definition traumatic. Plenty of women have abortions with zero ill effect.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/02/2018 16:33

Sorry psychological trauma, not for a minute suggesting physical problems...

Spottytop1 · 24/02/2018 16:33

Yes @VladmirsPoutine I have.

Yes, a 14 year old will need financial assistance ( as do many other older parents), which may come from their parents or the benefit system, but that doesn't mean they don't raise their child, raising a child involves caring for them, educating them and being there for them. Yes they will need some support at the start,but so do some older mothers, that doesn't mean they should be forced into having an abortion.

They don't stay 14 for ever, they can get jobs, continue to study etc to provide for their child.

For many having a child gives a real determination to do well and to provide a good life for their child, which motivates them to work hard and focus on creating a positive future.

AstridWhite · 24/02/2018 16:35

Seriousl? I'd think they were raped and feel very sorry for them.

Well you shouldn't assume that. The father of their baby could have been 13. Who 'raped' who then?

Stillwishihadabs · 24/02/2018 16:35

To be completely clear. When a woman is pregnant again or ttc later in life the unresolved feelings due to the earlier abortion can cause pyschological problems.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/02/2018 16:37

More likely if she was very young and/or coerced as she won't have fully processed her feelings

BitchQueen90 · 24/02/2018 16:38

I know someone who had her first baby at 14 and her second at 17. Father is not around but she has done a good job by herself. They're not well off but happy.