To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

[Applestrawberryblackcurrant]

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

I wouldn’t be bothered by it at all, as long as they are a good Mum to their child. I’ve seen so many parents in their thirty’s and beyond lately that have the parenting skills of a peanut I don’t think age matters.

Agreeing with Bertrand and VladimirsPoutine.

Also pointing out that middle-class girls who get pregnant at that age are far, far more likely to have terminations. Are we to conclude that middle-class girls are less attached to their unborn babies? Less 'naturally maternal'? More likely to be 'forced into abortions'? Or that having a baby at fourteen is simply far, far more likely if you are poor?

Look at the stats on here, particularly the strong correlation between poverty and having a child very young:

www.poverty.org.uk/24/index.shtml

“BertrandRussell, you obviously didn't read my post then as I said I would make sure it was an option. You have a habit of twisting my posts on threads without reading!”

I’m sorry- I did not intend to “twist your words”. I was assuming from the fact that you said that you would make sure she knew abortion was an option, but that you wouldn’t want her to think you contributed to an abortion that she regretted that you felt she was more likely to regret an abortion than a baby. I apologise if that’s an incorrect assumption.

And where did this idea of “forcing” her into having an abortion come from?

I’d wonder why she hadn’t had an abortion or given the baby up for adoption. If she hadn’t I’d assume that her family had brought the baby up and not her.

For those saying that a fourteen year old should have autonomy I disagree. It would be very clear. Either they have a termination, give up the baby for adoption, or they’re on their own. if a fourteen year old honestly believed that she is mature enough to have a baby then she can go and have a baby and bring it up, but not in my house. I’m done with having babies thank you very much, and that would include bringing up the baby of any child of mine except in circumstances of death or severe illness.

You want to have a baby? Then you be responsible for that baby. If you can’t be responsible for it then you do something about it.

Well user, I got pregnant at 17 and you can check the fucking SRA website to check I'm not making up the fact I did go on to qualify as a lawyer after working really fucking hard.

I’d feel for them.

Not sure why a 14 year old girl having a baby means she was raped. Utterly ridiculous assumption.

At 14 I was struggling to wake up for school let alone wake up to look after a baby. I totally understand that it's not my choice @Spottytop1. But I would drag any daughter of mine to Marie Stopes with no fucks given.

At 14 it would essentially be the parent of that child raising the baby. Do you think we all have money and accommodation to go round to all 14yr old mothers?

I was not in poverty and bloody resent that stereotypical assumption and I just couldn't have an abortion

If I met them as an adult and got on with them i wouldn't bat an eyelid tbh.

My neighbour had her first at 14. Her kids are all so sweet and smart. I probably would have been a bit judgey if I didn't know her but she's done such an amazing job since she was a parent so young.

Having a child and providing for it is hard enough as it is as a fully grown adult woman. No-one at 14 should have to go through that.

Fair enough expat if you feel that way. Things do happen though and most families help each other out. IMO in the grand scheme of things a new baby is one of the better reasons I might have to cut down hours at work, take time out or delay retirment.

Mumsnet is such a useful window on the world in scenarios like this. Here we have someone seriously exclaiming "I am sure any loving mother would prefer to raise their grandchild ..." This is completely alien to me in my world.

I know for sure that not one of my friends would want to bring up their own child's child. They would all counsel abortion, I am 100% certain of it.

My cousin and her husband split up after 2 years by the way, and she went back to live with her mum and dad (my aunt and uncle.) She left home 5 or 6 years later (at 22,) and got married again shortly after. Her child (that she had at 16, shortly after getting married,) stayed with her parents. Hardly ever saw his dad, and regarded his grandparents as his parents. Still does, even now, and thinks of his mother (my cousin,) as a sister.

“Not sure why a 14 year old girl having a baby means she was raped. Utterly ridiculous assumption.”

Well, legally she was unable to consent.

I can't go along with "has the right like any other female"... a 10yr old wouldn't understand what choice they were making, for instance. Somewhere is a limit for this much autonomy.

A lot of my peers had sex at 12-13. My bar for "judging" is a lot further beyond whether someone had sex at age 14.

I have a relative who had a baby at eighteen. She rocked up on her mum’s doorstep with it having gone travelling, then decided that she wanted to travel some more and asked her mum to look after it. Her mum said yes, on the proviso that she give the baby up for adoption to her which she then promptly did, and never paid any interest in him again after that.

She then went on to have three more children by three different men, and they have all turned out nice individuals not because of her but in spite of her. She’s an awful, awful human being and no, she wasn’t abused or raped.

These people who say that they know children of teenagers who have turned out to be lovely people are seemingly forgetting that they’re human beings in their own right. They’ve likely turned out well in spite of their crap upbringings not because of the wonderful individuals their mothers were.

'Fair enough expat if you feel that way. Things do happen though and most families help each other out. IMO in the grand scheme of things a new baby is one of the better reasons I might have to cut down hours at work, take time out or delay retirment.'

You still don't get it, do you? It's not a matter of feeling, but a fact that many, many, many people who have a 14-year-old cannot afford to raise another baby - financially, mentally, space-wise, etc. They cannot afford to cut hours at work, take time out, etc. There are a large number of reasons for this - they are in low-paid or mid-paid work and have other commitments (other children, for example), they are carers already for another child, they cannot afford to move to accommodate another child and on and on.

Is it really that hard to understand?

My mum was pregnant with me at 14, was just turned 15 when i was born in 1977, we lived in a mother and baby home until her 16th birthday where she married my dad to escape, he was 18. Her parents were awful, whole situation a car crash, ruined both their lives...i had my son at 18, still with his dad at 41, married have 2 more kids and a lovely life, i completed a degree despite having twins in the second year at 30, I work hard and love the simple things in life. From the viewpoint of the child in this scenario, its not great, but i was determined that they mess they made of their live wasn't going to ruin mine. I think its down to the attitude of the individual.

And where is the father in all this? Presuming he too is a teenager. So he can just piss off to live his life without the hassle but the young woman is saddled with a baby which she expects her parents to look after.

Have you ever been to the relationships board and seen how many ADULT women are struggling with being left with young children they had and men that won't even pay for their own children's food. And these people are ADULTS.

How do you think this would play out for a typical 14yr old? Absolute madness to suggest anything other than abortion. Teens can shag each other all they like but they should not be having children.

For a minority of girls growing up in homes where parental expectations are very high, they can find themselves feeling unloved and rejected by their parents and more likely to turn to affection through sexual contact.

In turn, these same girls can be so utterly terrified of their pregnancy that they have a head-in-the-sand approach to it, so that by the time the pregnancy cannot be disguised it is too late to terminate.

Just sometimes, they might love their baby so much (despite their young age) that even though everyone around them hates them for having the audacity to have sex, they muddled through and while they won’t make any claims to perfection, they can hold their head up and say they did a better job than their own parents.

This is the message we need to give to these girls. Not ‘oh, you poor thing’, or ‘how you just have missed out.’ Sometimes you can miss out on stuff but what you gain makes it so very worthwhile.

Just sometimes.

Chaos 14, 18 or 22 that woman would still be a selfish mother though.

@VladmirsPoutine You make so many assumptions about something you have not experienced or actually really know about.....

I taught a girl who became pregnant at 14, her boyfriend was the same age. I was shocked when I found out but she came back to school, was my most polite and hard-working pupil and seemed to be a loving and caring mother. She had very supportive parents which obviously helped.