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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you'd think about someone who had a baby at 14

846 replies

Applestrawberryblackcurrant · 24/02/2018 12:13

Would this make you want to give the person a wide birth? Or would you not be bothered. Asking for friend.

OP posts:
RainbowGlitterFairy · 24/02/2018 16:39

(Although let's face it, it is extremely unlikely that a girl from a middle class family will fall pregnant in her teens!) Yeah course it is. When DS was born my HV suggested a young parents toddler group, there were plenty of middle class girls there. Of course I am from Tunbridge wells, where you will see plenty of middle class girls getting drunk/high in the park too, condoms are awfully hard to put on when you are off your tits.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2018 16:39

For many having a child gives a real determination to do well and to provide a good life for their child, which motivates them to work hard and focus on creating a positive future.

I wholly agree with this. I do think that having a baby for some men and women does indeed focus the mind, as it were.

But at 14 that is just too much to ask. Too much to expect. And I suspect, though I have no basis in this; that many 14yr olds would be too embarrassed to tell their parents that (a) they had sex and (b) they are now pregnant. I would go so far as to say that it would take a lot of them quite a while to figure out they are actually pregnant.

We have both agreed that adult women do struggle and require support when they have children; be that from the state or family or whatever. But I stand by my view that abortion would be the most sensible option at 14 yrs old.

kirinm · 24/02/2018 16:44

It is true that it can act as a motivator. The thought of being skint for the rest of my life terrified me. So I went off and studied law thinking I'd make a fortune. I don't know what would have happened if I didn't have my son. I was far too interested in going out and barely bothered at college so I can imagine I would have failed my A Levels.

AssassinatedBeauty · 24/02/2018 16:45

@Stillwishihadabs if there are any unresolved feelings, which is by no means certain at all.

BertrandRussell · 24/02/2018 16:48

Yes there might be unresolved feelings following an abortion. But there might be unresolved feelings following a birth too. And a baby.

Letloose · 24/02/2018 16:52

Narrow minded people

Spottytop1 · 24/02/2018 16:52

@VladmirsPoutine We will have to agree to disagree on that perspective.

You are right though, it takes an awful lot of courage for a 14 year old to tell their parents they are pregnant. The time it takes to process the situation and build up the courage to tell them can also provide time for a very strong protective link with their baby to develop. Then if anyone responds by trying to tell them to abort it can actually create a 'them & us' scenario with the young Mum desperate to protect and keep her baby. It can be extremely damaging to the relationship with her parents/family.

MiaowTheCat · 24/02/2018 16:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stillwishihadabs · 24/02/2018 16:55

Of course, I just don't think one can say abortion is always the best solution to a 14yo pregnancy. It could really f@&k some girls up (in their head)

HotCrossBunFight · 24/02/2018 16:56

I'd never encourage anyone to have an abortion. I'd support a child in that decision but it's wrong to try and coerce her.

PortiaCastis · 24/02/2018 16:57

OP your friend didn't have the immaculate conception so why not mention the father of the foetus

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2018 16:58

@Spottytop1 I agree with that (to an extent). It can indeed create that. But in my view, it can also create a sense of terror and fear. So no bond being created - perhaps a sense of relief that a responsible adult has held their hand and told them there are other options i.e. abortion.

I do however respect the fact we've managed to have a sensible discussion about this on AIBU, no less Smile

BertrandRussell · 24/02/2018 16:59

Nobody is talking about forcing or coercion.

HotCrossBunFight · 24/02/2018 17:00

A friend's parents offered to buy her a house of she had an abortion ahex 16. She kept the baby and probably.could've done with the house

RainbowGlitterFairy · 24/02/2018 17:01

for every 14yr old parent that went on to become some sort of hot-shot high-flyer there are plenty that just didn't and subsequently now reduced the life opportunities and life quality of at least 2 individuals (mother and baby, a starter for two).

Have they reduced their life opportunities and life quality though? how do you know what their life would have been if they hadn't got pregnant? There are plenty of people who didn't have children young and haven't done anything with their lives either.

Letloose · 24/02/2018 17:02

I am 24 my eldest is 9 I am by far a better mother than anyone I know my children are well mannerd very clever and I will support them in anything They do. These comments are absolutely discusting assuming teenage girls who have children amount to nothing I am not well off but more than happy I can and will do anything I want in life I am proud of my desicions and being a young mum

C0untDucku1a · 24/02/2018 17:03

That’s not what the immaculate conception is... Hmm

PortiaCastis · 24/02/2018 17:03

I agree Let loose yes some of the comments are absolutely disgusting

Spottytop1 · 24/02/2018 17:04

That is very true @VladmirsPoutine Smile

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2018 17:16

There are plenty of people who didn't have children young and haven't done anything with their lives either.

That's true but the last time I checked, having a child is quite life changing and requires money, resources and security that is rather different from being solo. But ho-hum.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/02/2018 17:20

Have they reduced their life opportunities and life quality though?

Yes. When you are a parent you need to compromise on your life and your choices. Quality of life? Yes. If your baby is waking up 3/4 times a night for a feed, I would guess that you wouldn't have had a good night's sleep. And who will be looking after baby whilst mother is studying or pursuing a career or job?

how do you know what their life would have been if they hadn't got pregnant?

No-one can know this. Not even women who are due to give birth today can know this.

What we all know is that having a baby is bloody tough. Even more so at 14 years old, I would say.

Alyosha · 24/02/2018 17:21

I knew a girl who had a baby at 14, a big scandal in my private school! She has done very well in life, the baby is now a great girl of 14, and by the time she's 32 she'll either be done with having kids. Haven't seen her in years but by all accounts she is a great mum, she got good GCSEs & A levels, went to uni & has her own business.

thegreatbeyond · 24/02/2018 17:22

I'd not be interested in anything other than whether she was a nice person. What business is it of mine? How could I possibly know her story?

Fintress · 24/02/2018 17:24

I never judge or give a person a wide berth unless they give me good reason to. It wouldn't matter a jot what age they had a child, that wouldn't bother me in the least.

flowersonthepiano · 24/02/2018 17:26

@user1490607838 I too find your ignorance astonishing. Oh well. There's always (at least) one Hmm