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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have separate finances...

533 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 13:50

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

OP posts:
Hellywelly10 · 23/02/2018 22:10

Your paying proportionally more than dp on household expenditure. I don't think that's fair. I hope you also have a separate savings account?

SlackerMum1 · 23/02/2018 22:11

So do not get all the angst about this.... we have separate accounts because we just had them when we met and have never bothered to faff around changing everything. We’re married but I’ve never changed my name... because can’t be arsed with the admin. DH earns more in general but we can both hold our own. He tends to pay the monthly bills, I tend to take care of the house/ DC stuff. We’d never worry about who paid what or trying to keep tabs - who pays at dinner is whoever has their card to hand. When it comes to big purchases it’s just whoever books/buys pays. We have a periodic ‘how much money have you got’ type conversation and sort out anything that needs to be sorted.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 22:19

So let’s be clear you can all master jobs,internet,21c life but dearie me don’t understand sole accounts
Lil female brains can’t manage a sole account,too difficult,impersonal and businesslike
But can muster it when it’s a joint account. Tidier, not the flatmate

Voice0fReason · 23/02/2018 22:26

I am still an independent woman, even if we share finances.
We are a family and regardless of who earns what, we both contribute equal value to the family.
Everything goes into one pot, everything gets paid out of that.
I can't imagine having to have a discussion about who is going to pay what for a holiday or a meal out or anything!

SandyY2K · 23/02/2018 22:28

You're not the only one.

Our finances are completely separate. He pays some bills, I pay others. It's a swings and roundabouts situation. We've been married for nearly 20 years and it's worked well for us. The thought of a joint account fills me with horror.

This is pretty much our set up.

If I could go back in time....I'd do it differently, but it's too late now.

I'd definitely advise my DC to have joint finances to a degree.

I don't like anyone else looking into what I'm spending.

My DH saves too much and can be tight fisted. Thinks I spend too much. He buys everything cash (except our house) and pays all the bills and the mortgage.

I pay for pretty much everything related to the DC and do the grocery shopping.

Holidays are more or less 50:50.

He earns about £35k more than me. Owns a couple of rental properties (in his name only) but purchased during marriage.

So whilst he would like me to pay for more....But I can't afford to.

Safilel · 23/02/2018 22:30

Lil female brains can’t manage a sole account,too difficult,impersonal and businesslike
Nothing to do with that Biscuit perfectly capable of understanding and used to use sole accounts but for us It would feel to businesslike being so precise over money, and we do prefer the joint as it it simpler for us whatever works for others, but wouldn’t for us.

sweatylemon · 23/02/2018 22:36

Married for 26 years. Together 30 years.
Never had a joint account and never argued once about money.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 22:39

Safilel, that’s exactly the tone people are taking,taking about sole account
Too complicated
Too business like
Too much work
Too precise
We a family
I’m not a flatmate
...yea riiiight

Wincarnis · 23/02/2018 22:40

Do whatever works for you, it’s nobody’s business but yours.

It’s all very well being smug marrieds who share everything until one of them fucks off and cleans out the joint accounts.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 22:42

Ahh but at least they were not like flat mates, right?

Safilel · 23/02/2018 22:42

I was the poster that said it was too business type interaction being that precise with money before you posted that, which it would be for us I also said that’s why we switched to joint as it’s less complicated for us... which it is again for us.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 22:44

Just caught up.... for those that are saying my DP gets away with it not paying for childcare because I’m at home. Forgive me but it’s hardly childcare when it’s your own kids....I’d say it’s raising them. It’s my personal choice to stay... If I went to my boss tomorrow and told him I wanna go full time he would do it in a heartbeat. I just wanna raise my kids. They go to school 6 hours a day. To be fair I have congenital hyperthyroidism and symptoms of this includes fatigue, insomnia, aches and pain, headaches.... and about 66 other symptoms. Everyday is different. So sometimes it’s nice to just be at home and refuel.
My DP doesn’t want a joint account he just wants me to let him pay for more. The situation doesn’t have too much of an impact on family occasions or trips. We generally do much stuff together. My DS and DP have father and son days out for thier hobbies which are theme parks and me and my DD have mother and daughter days. No one is losing out. Well the DC certainly are not....

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 22:46

We are generally happy, in love, best friends just with separate finances.... and for the poster that says do I have on3 foot out the door....
Defo not, I have never even thought about leaving.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 22:47

So say a holiday break was £500 total You’d find that too precise to say That’s £250 each.
youd need a joint account to resolve that as opposed to two equal transaction?

Safilel · 23/02/2018 22:49

Yes I know what 500/2 is Hmm it is easier and simpler for us to do all our bills, payments, general life via joint, as I’ve said.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 22:51

You’re describing individual preference not complexity of the task
It’s not difficult or complicated to pay bills from a sole account
Your preference is not to do this

Safilel · 23/02/2018 22:54

Our preference to do it is because it’s simpler for us, it was more complicated for us to do out of two accounts, now it’s simpler to see money left just log into one and we can see what’s left to pay etc as it’s all in one.

nokidshere · 23/02/2018 23:03

Married for 26 years. Together 30 years.Never had a joint account and never argued once about money.

we have been married for 31 years, together for 36. We have only ever had a joint account and we never argue about money.

LeighaJ · 23/02/2018 23:04

Sophisticatedsarcasm

I don't think it matters what others think as long as you and your partner are happy with your financial arrangements.

My husband and I have a joint account for shared expenses/bills and separate accounts for everything else. We pay 50/50 on bills, but will drop to 25/75 when I go on maternity leave.

If I dropped my hours down after returning to work for the benefit of our daughter and/or to save on day care costs I think it would be fair that I pay less than 50% of shared bills with the percentage dropped dependant upon how much I cut hours down. He makes £10,000 more per year than I do and doesn't have a career that would allow a reduced amount of hours; while my role does allow that so I'm kinda the obvious choice for reducing hours if needed.

That is what I feel is fair for my relationship though, I can also see why some would want to continue on 50/50.

TwentySmackeroos · 23/02/2018 23:08

The day to day splitting of expenses .. well, it wouldn't be for me but if it works for you, grand.

I'd be more concerned about what happens to your dp's surplus income, if he is matching his spends to be in line with yours. And if you are living in your mums home and presumably paying rent, it can't be as much as you would pay for a house just for yourselves. Are there savings? PIPs? Does he put money into a pension? Are any of these in joint names? If the answer to these is 'no' then you will always have less financial freedom, for the rest of your life. Because it sounds like you don't have much to spare now. And because you are working part-time hours, your pension entitlements will be lower.

I say this as someone who, now separated, regrets separate finances as EXH spent lots of money on expensive hobbies and holidays (which I benefited from) but he is earnings-rich and asset/savings-poor. If I had been permitted we had had equal access to his/the family income, I would have had input into how the money was put to use, short and long-term. I always saved (and still have weekly standing orders to a savings account) despite my own fairly meagre income. How I wish now I had not permitted a situation to arise whereby our financial 'independence of each other' meant money was squandered and now I am more dependent on him than I ever was (four school-age children) at a time in life when he can least afford it.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2018 23:19

All of you that have separate accounts what happens if one of you, for whatever reason, stops working?

This happened. DH lost his job and continues paying mortgage and all the bills for almost a year. He's a great saver.

If I lost my job, he'd be able to pick up all the things I pay for easily.

windchimesabotage · 23/02/2018 23:25

If thats what you want and are happy with then no one has a right to tell you to do any different. However it does seem unfair when you are a team looking after children that your partner earns more than you yet pays only half, presumably meaning he has more disposable funds than you. In my opinion he does have a point in wanting to pay more. Seeing as they are his children and he earns more, if he wants to spend more on them he should be able to really. I dont think that is taking away your independence, its just showing you where his priorities lie. He sounds like a decent man who would rather spend his extra money on his familys needs and all doing things together than just hanging on to it himself.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2018 23:36

There is no right or wrong on this issue. It's what works for the couple.

As they say...different strokes, for different folks.

Most couples I know have separate finances...but I think it may be a cultural thing ...because most of my Caucasian friends have joint finances.

I remember one of these friends talking about buying her DH a gift for his birthday, which was quite expensive and I thought to myself...he's really paying for this himself.

She worked 2 days a week and couldn't afford what she was buying with her own earnings.

It really is what works for individual couples.

SandyY2K · 23/02/2018 23:38

One more thing...at least you'll never be without a home living with your mum.

It's him who'd be looking for where to live if you happened to split up.

KERALA1 · 23/02/2018 23:46

I just can't believe this separate accounts thing is genuine. Never met anyone who does this. Seems the woman gets shafted as she compromises her career to care for their children and he carries on as before. Yay. No thanks.