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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have separate finances...

533 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 13:50

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 21:08

I don’t do out in the wash finances, have a spreadsheet
When planning the house renovations there was a spreadsheet of costing and completion dates

JazzHandsJack · 23/02/2018 21:08

Ours are separate. DH pays the mortgage and some of the bills. I pay some bills too plus shopping, going out, clothing, holidays etc - all ends up pretty proportionate to our respective wage and we’re usually both skint come pay day. Whatever works for you as a couple is the main thing.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 21:11

You have no direct experience of paying from 2 sources 1ndig0
how would you know how it goes,or if it works.youre simply speculating
Your dp pays for everything from one account,that’s all you know

Nicknacky · 23/02/2018 21:12

Jeez, you are struggling with this. I get paid. I transfer a set amount to a seperate account for expenses. We half the childcare and I generally deal with the kids expenses. Bigger things he tends to deal with and he will put money aside for holidays. We both then spend what we want each month.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

Believeitornot · 23/02/2018 21:13

Given that the OP works fewer hours so will be picking up more childcare, how can it even make sense for finances to be divided equally. The father is getting away with not paying for equivalent childcare!

The sad thing about separate finances, in my opinion, is that it reduces everything to pure financial transactions and ignores the contributions which aren’t financial. It’s like living as flat mates.

1ndig0 · 23/02/2018 21:13

The thing is even if I was working, it would make absolutely no difference. I wouldn't feel the need to protect my own money.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 21:14

We have a spreadsheet for expenditures,eg house renovation, planning summer clubs etc
We each paid summer club few week ago for the school holiday when we are working

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 21:15

Hypothetical.You don’t have your own money you’re financial reliant on your partner

Nicknacky · 23/02/2018 21:15

I don't feel the need to protect it. If anything his account needs protecting from me!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 21:16

Mn bingo flat mates 😄 again

1ndig0 · 23/02/2018 21:22

It might be hypothetical now, but when I was working pre- DC we just had one account. Yes we spend money in different ways, but surely that's to be expected? When you have joint finances, you work within that and over time, it balances out. I don't keep track. If he wants an expensive car racing holiday, I don't feel the need to match that expenditure, or vice versa. As long as we have enough money, neither of us care.

AbsolutelyCorking · 23/02/2018 21:27

I agree there is definitely something off about not sharing finances, like you are not on the same page. It’s a shame so much energy has to be put into who owes what, when that energy could be used elsewhere — to actually enjoy life! I don’t know why unmarried couples feel like they have to say they are exactly the same as married couples, too. No you’re not, you’re not married. If you weren’t really bothered then you wouldn’t be so defensive.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 21:29

You’re being Hypothetical nonetheless.we have a spreadsheet for shared expenses
Joint acc for mortgage,bills,council tax
Other wise we manage our own monies via our own acc

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 21:35

What is it that is so unsettling about independent finances and no joint acc?
Is it the automatic lack of access to the others money,can’t just spend?
Why do you associate joint finance with harmony?do you think money = happy
Why does a woman not financially dependent on a man reduce them to flatmates
Is it the ingrained societal belief that men show love by spending and women are the grateful kept recipients. Thus the act of being financially dependent or joined with a man is elevating oneself status above flatmate

1ndig0 · 23/02/2018 21:42

No It's not hypothetical because I know my own mind and I would not have children with a man who wouldn't even share a bank account with me.

If I was earning, it would make absolutely no difference whatsoever. We would maybe have a bit more in the joint account? Probably not through, if it meant he had to work less. In any case, I simply wouldn't see it as "my money" because he's my husband!

Nicknacky · 23/02/2018 21:44

But it's a totally different situation if a man refused to share accounts. It could amount financial abuse.

And I see it as "my money" even though I'm married. But I spend it the same way, on my family.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 21:48

It is hypothetical. And obvs you need a man to share his salary seeing you don’t earn
We all chose partners based on individual preference and conscious & unconscious bias
All have our line in the sand so to speak. And it’s a personal and ideological line
Mine is I’d never be with a man who demanded shared monies or asked me to give up work or reduce work hours

1ndig0 · 23/02/2018 21:49

I don't doubt for one minute that yours and your DH's main priority is your DC, Nick. But if it all ultimately gets spent in a certain way anyway, why bother keeping accounts separate? What would you do differently if you had joint finances?

1ndig0 · 23/02/2018 21:50

Lipstick - well I guess we are total opposite ends of the spectrum on this Grin

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 21:52

Yes and that’s ok.whats not ok is being told I’m the flatmate or have a less committed relationship

1ndig0 · 23/02/2018 21:54

Just to be clear, even if I earned the same or more than DH, I would still not accept separate finances on a marriage with children. No way. If I earned significantly more, it might have made sense for him to do more if the child-related stuff, in which case I would absolutely insist that he had equal access to the money he was enabling me to earn. I would not have it any other way.

1ndig0 · 23/02/2018 21:57

Lipstick - apologies for any offence and yes, psychology and dynamics vary between relationships and people tend to gravitate towards like-minded partners, I guess.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 21:58

We had the conversation early on,no joint acc, work ft,kids in nursery
And I couldn’t have children with a man who demanded or expected shared acc
Also wouldn’t be with a man who didn’t support my career or expect I drop to pt

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 22:00

By class,by education,by experience,by societal pressure we are drawn to our partner
It’s conscious and unconscious and we usually get the template from our own upbringing

Safilel · 23/02/2018 22:08

We do joint accounts now, before we had seperate obviously but wouldn’t divide up exactly, I couldn’t be dealing with making sure we paid each other down to the penny, would feel personally to me too much like a business type interaction for us. Much easier for now everything is in joint, both wages go in, makes it simpler for us to deal with now.