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Original poster

To have separate finances...

533 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 13:50

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 23:51

You’ve never met an astronaut.never met anyone who does that so were the moon landings a fake?
What a peculiar way to frame your beliefs,if you’ve never directly encountered it,must be fake

MascaraSnake · 23/02/2018 23:53

I am a believer that if you share a house, chores, love, children etc then why the fuck should money be any different.

Money, some say,is the biggest cause of stress in relationships. Constantly thinking of percentages “she/he earns 3 times me so therefore.........” - seriously? I’ve know couples before in scenarios where they will say things like “I owe my bf £20 for petrol”.

I honestly think that is a sorry star of affairs.

You enter a relationship, you split your shit. I very much doubt you’ll say “you had 72% of the t.v programme schedule last week so this week I’m taking my share”.

IMO splitting money is a further, unnessary

MascaraSnake · 23/02/2018 23:54

... stress. Agh, can’t find the option to edit.

KERALA1 · 23/02/2018 23:56

Because it's bloody weird that's why. And if you are married it's even weirder as everything is on the table if you split for no matter whose "name" it is in. Irrelevant.

If you trust someone enough to build a life with them, make a family and have babies together you share finances. Otherwise what is the fucking point.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 23/02/2018 23:57

What’s your problem with it exactly?i don’t do joint monies, no we,just me
Dp pays for his sky he got it for footy
I pay Netflix and amazon I like their content
Maintain Separate accounts

KERALA1 · 24/02/2018 00:01

But why? Do you not trust him? It would sicken me to be a high earner and see my spouse eating a burger while I had steak. What's mine is his and what's his is mine. I earned more, then he did. It's all ours. We are a team. My parents were, my grandparents were. Don't "have a problem " knock yourself out, but I reserve the right to think it's weird.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 00:02

You enter a relationship, you split your shit that’s deep says so much about human condition

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 00:04

Nothing to do with trust,everything to do with financial autonomy & preference

KERALA1 · 24/02/2018 00:07

You really have the mental energy to divvy it all up? So what do you do on a night out? Split it proportionally like you are dating? What about food? Utilities? Does the person that has longer showers pay more of the water bill? Jesus wept.

LemonysSnicket · 24/02/2018 00:18

DP and I have been together 5 years, we just put it all in one account ( he earns double what I do) and spend as we wish with the knowledge that it’s for our future or our enjoyment etc

It’s all individual though

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 00:25

The only mental energy being expended is yours.its really v simple
i don’t keep a mental tally,we do spreadsheet of large expenditures.
I’ve already covered this,but,bills,mortgage etc from a joint acc
Salary to sole acc.we split a bill if we go out to eat/cinema etc

KERALA1 · 24/02/2018 00:28

No mental energy expended here at all thanks. Your relationship sounds very odd. Still enjoy your spreadsheets!

windchimesabotage · 24/02/2018 00:31

We have separate accounts. But we consider all money to be shared. If one of us makes a decision to buy something or do something then it really makes no difference whos money it comes out of. Neither of us would ever leave the other one without so if one of us needs money the other will provide it etc. So essentially its all the same money. We just have different accounts to protect me really. Im a SAHM so I get the child benefit paid into my own account which means I pay tax on it which means I still get a pension etc... I have access to my husbands cards and accounts whenever needed and he transfers a certain amount of money into my account each month for me to spend on whatever. He pays all the bills and rent etc out of his account. He also has things like his student loan coming out of his which is why it isnt joint because im not comfortable factoring things like that in to spending and prefer not to have the anxiety of thinking about all these things coming out of the account. I know the money in my account is all money that is available to spend.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 00:32

Not odd in least and I am financially solvent,a spreadsheet plans the shared expenses
Odd is the inability to accept something if you’ve never personally had it verified by a meeting
You must struggle with moon landing seeing you’ve never met an astronaut

KERALA1 · 24/02/2018 00:36

It's odd. Very odd. Won't change my view on that one. Don't know why you are wibbling on about astronauts?!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 00:43

Do you have cognitive issues? Reread your own post,refresh your poor memory
I just can't believe this separate accounts thing is genuine. Never met anyone who does this
Following your logic you don’t believe unless you can meet someone who’ll verify it
You’ve never met anyone who does seperate accounts , ergo must not be genuine
You’ve never met an astronaut, ergo must not be genuine

Motoko · 24/02/2018 00:45

I’d prefer if the op came back and said it wasn’t working for her.as opposed to you

Well, her partner doesn't like it, so it's not working for him.

Safilel · 24/02/2018 00:46

Do you have anger issues? Incredibly rude comments like with cognitive issues and little women, calm down.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 00:46

Let’s see if he posts to that effect

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 00:48

I simply wondering why I have to explain posters own recent post to her
Did she forget what she posted

Celebelly · 24/02/2018 00:54

We have separate accounts and joint account for things like the mortgage, utilities etc, which we both put a proportional share of what we earn. For things we want to buy for ourselves, that comes out of our own accounts unless it's something we both want, then it comes out of joint. We've swapped around several times from me being the highest earner to him etc., but that hasn't changed our approach.

I am a huge believer in women having their own fiscal independence. You see it time and time again on here where a woman has been left high and dry and has no independent finances as they have been completely reliant on another person or a shared account that is mysteriously emptied. I love my DP and hope we are together for the rest of our lives, but I am also a pragmatist. It's just not sensible, IMO, to not retain your own finances, even if it's just your own savings accounts not. It's not a case of commitment but of being sensible and making sure you have access to some of your own money for anything that might happen in the future.

pallisers · 24/02/2018 00:56

OP I think you should unclench a bit and let your partner pick some extra costs - it will only reflect the additional resources you bring to the relationship by doing childcare (and maybe having a reduced rent??). It is not fair to only count direct monetary contributions.

Lipstick your posts are fascinating - thanks. interesting to see another way of doing things. I had 2 thoughts/questions about your set-up. One is do you really track every little thing? Like tonight I went to the shop and got teabags. I don't drink tea - I got it for dh because he isn't drinking coffee and loves tea. I used cash (not a card from a joint/groceries account) because I needed change to tip the delivery guy later. So in your situation would you ask for the money for tea back from your partner or would you ask him for half of it or would you give him the tea as a present? Or would you just forget about it.

Also, when you said of course you would support each other in hard times etc. The thing is when hard times come, you may not want your partner to say to you "don't worry I can carry you while you look for a job/give up work to care for teen dd who is ill or whatever". You want to feel you aren't being carried but that the family unit is a circle that includes everyone and it isn't a question of support but of the family being a family - everyone having value whether they are earning or not or healthy or not. I'm probably not expressing this well - I don't mean you and your partner don't feel this way about it just that your current set-up means that if one of you has to support the other financially (and shit happens ) if it is clearly one person putting their hand in their pocket and giving a hand-out rather than both adults in the relationship accessing the resources of the family- well I think that could put pressure on a relationship.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 00:56

Completely agree with your post celebelly

Celebelly · 24/02/2018 00:58

And I'm sorry, I don't buy that 'you're committing to someone so everything should be shared'. Tell that to the women who were sure they were with the love of their life and ended up screwed over because they didn't think about their own security. I don't care how much you love your DP or think you will forever skip merrily hand in hand through a field through roses – life shows us that things happen and it's silly not to recognise that.

Longtime · 24/02/2018 01:01

Married 32 years and had a joint account since we had children and I stopped working both to be at home with the children full time and to study. We kept it this way when I went part time.

I don’t get this not feeling independent if you have a joint account. My being at home allowed dh to work the hours he needed to and be away from home (he was in sales). We work as a team so get paid as a team. I do all the finances though (for both home and the family business) so maybe that makes a difference? I wouldn’t like to receive an allowance.

OP I think the problem with you insisting on paying half when clearly the reason you don’t work the hours your dp does and therefore earn the money he does is because you are looking after your joint children. I think you are being disingenuous when you insist you shouldn’t take looking after the children into account. It’s as if in your family unit only bringing in the money has any value.

Why don’t you work out how many hours he works plus does housework/ looks after the children and then do the same for you. Take the total amount of income to the family and share it according to hours you contribute to the family unit. You may not feel so bad about accepting money, your dp will be happy to pay for things. There will be less friction and you will feel less guilty about doing things you can’t “afford” .