To have separate finances...

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

It's up to you OP, but I think it's really odd. It just seems to me that people who need their own finances in a marriage either have trust / commitment issues or are a bit neurotic about money. When you have kids, how can you be bothered really? What difference does it make who buys this or that?

totally strange, a pain in the arse and massively unfair! are you being a martyr?

Neurotic or have trust issues because we have separate bank accounts? What a ridiculous conclusion to come to. No commitment issues, been together 20 years with two kids.

you are independent woman but you are sacrificing your earning potential to raise children who are half his

But what is the actual point of separate accounts? Is it because you have one eye on the door, is to speak, so you are protecting your own assets? I really don't mean to sound rude, but I just can't imagine why a married couple would do this. What does it achieve?

The actual point is my actual salary comes to my solo account
For the zillioninth time solo acc doesn’t equal unstable/flighty/uncommitted
It’s simply a prudent way to manage ones monies,and my preference

Ours are separate. He pays all the bills and paid all the school fees. I paid the children's out of school activities, phones and clothes. Also pay for all my personal expenses and treats. He earnt about 10 times more than me. Been together 30 years. He's just taken a huge pay cut (sort of 2nd career) and I've just had a huge promotion in 2nd career so he probably earns just over twice as much as me now.

Has introduced an interesting dynamic and he's struggling more than me with it. Neither of us have to work but both love work.

1ndig0 None of those. It achieves that I spend my salary without stressing h out as he is the type of person who knows to the penny what's in his account. I transfer a set amount into his account towards bills etc. I don't even know exactly what he earns! Just roughly

Why are you finding this so difficult to understand?

Another reason for DH and I having separate accounts is that it was too much like hard work getting the necessary paperwork- I don’t pay for many bills in the house, so to get anything ‘paper’ with my name and address (all my expenses and existing banking are online) is hard work.
What I did arrange wasn’t good enough so thought “fukkit, I’ll try again when I’ve got time and inclination”. I’ve had neither since.

Admittedly, I've been a SAHM for many years. Even if I was working though, we would feel like flatmates I think, with separate accounts, or transferring money between each other. It just sounds unnecessary hassle. Plus he earns the kind of money I would never have come close to, so it would be like living as the poor relation in my own house!! I would hate for the kids to see, "mum can't afford it" while he jets around the world or whatever.

Even if there was a scenario where we earned similar amounts, I think the only circumstances I wouldn't want joint finances is if he was a gambler or some other kind of addict. Or had a history of debt or fraud. Or perhaps if it was a second marriage and there were other children to support.

Mn bingo!flatmates not committed at this rate it’ll be full hoose
So you’re objecting to sole accounts when you don’t have any monies/salary to put in one
How’s that work?you vociferiously object to something that not applicable to you
...okaaay

I've never shared a house with a flat mate but if I did I don't think I would have sex with them and raise a family.

My name on a bank account doesn't change anything in terms of my relationship

I’ve had numerous flatmates at uni, never got knocked up by any of them
I’ve had flatmates but we didn’t have a joint acc for bills or pay a mortgage
The guy who knocked me up,the one i live with,hes my best flatmate ever

I do apologise if I sound a bit judgemental - each to their own of course, I had honestly never considered that married couples could live like this until I came in MN.

Here's a crazy thing.....us married people who have separate finances live in the exact same way other married couples do. With love, companionship, respect and communication.

You are being pretty offensive now.

I liked getting asked seeing it’s seperate money what I’d do if he got ill
Oh you know, us sole account holders we’d say there’s water in the tap.use your own money
Of course I’d look after him,that’s what folk who love each other do
Even folk who don’t have joint accounts

The only reason this would raise alarm bells is if it was arranged this way for the wrong reasons? Do you trust one another implicitly? I've been with my partner for 3 years. We have a joint account into which we share everything. It is simple but we do discuss individual purchases and it does rely on trust and respect. My partner is v laid back and earns more than me but we live together with my two children from a previous relationship and he never questions my spending on them which I do respect in him.

Millie why do you think a sole account finances equals no trust or respect?
In what tangible way does monies from a joint acc add benefit?is the milk colder,honey sweeter?
You buy your groceries,pay mortgage from a joint acc does that make That relationship more blessed

When you have children though, you are not separate entities anymore. DH and I are currently renovating a house, for instance, that we plan to move into late summer. I can't imagine having the conversation about who pays for the plumber, who buys the sofas, how much each, etc. It's our home, for our kids and the future. Over the years, doesn't everything just merge?

Are you being purposely obtuse.no over years finances don’t just merge.at all
Re building we had house renovated we both paid equally from our sole acc
Insurance,utility bills,council tax,boiler and appliance plans all from joint acc

People saying "As long as it works for you" are missing the point that it DOESN'T work for them, as a family unit, because OP's beliefs are affecting them all.
OP's partner wants to pay more, so they can have a better lifestyle, but because she wants to be "an independent woman", and not a "trophy wife", who doesn't need a man to pay for her, she vetos anything she can't afford. Yet she's only working part time because she's taken on the childcare and doesn't see the disconnect in that and her beliefs.

OP, any plans to move out and get your own place? With 8 of you living in one house, it can't be very peaceful.

We are two seperate individuals who share children and a home together. No things didn't merge, we just tweaked things as our personal situation changed.

Big expenses h tends to take care of because he's largely in control of our joint financial responsibilities and he earns more.

We do this though not as regimented as you. I just bout the Easter break he is paying for the summer holiday it all comes out in the wash

I’d prefer if the op came back and said it wasn’t working for her.as opposed to you

How can finances not merge though when most of it goes on the house, family holidays, school fees or college funds or just the DC in general? These are family things so why pay from two sources when it all boils down to the same thing?