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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have separate finances...

533 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 13:50

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

OP posts:
Bluelady · 24/02/2018 19:49

Same here. No haggling at all or bill splitting. I don't care what happens to my money after I'm dead but I'm sure as hell controlling it until I am.

1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 19:58

If you had joint finances though, in what way would your personal or family spending habits actually be any different?

The way I see it, all families have a certain disposable income, regardless of who earns what. That determines your expenditure / saving strategy / housing and so on. So why bother splitting bills or paying for different things? I just don't see the point.

Maybe you're worried that your DH would be looking over your shoulder all the time, asking you what are you spending on? Maybe you think he would spend more than you? Or is it a control thing? There must be some reason?

Nicknacky · 24/02/2018 20:28

I've already said. I'm a spender, h is more on top of what's in his account. He likes to know to the penny what's in the account.

Stop implying there are control issues.

Bluelady · 24/02/2018 20:40

There are absolutely no control issues. He loves gagets and I'd get cross if I knew what he spends. I'm a bit of a clothesaholic and beauty fiend and don't want what I spend picked over. Ignorance is bliss and we're both happy.

Bluelady · 24/02/2018 20:42

And there's no family money for the umpteenth time. There's his and mine.

Voice0fReason · 24/02/2018 20:57

I’m sorry but to me some posters are coming across like they only got married for security?
I think that's deliberately misreading what people have said.
People marry because they want to spend their life with that person. They work together to raise a family so both contribute what they can. In making that decision, they want to ensure that they are both protected and both have the same standard of living.

I gave up work to have children. My husbands wanted to make sure that I was financially secure and he never wanted me to feel like my contribution to the family was any less than his, despite the different financial income.

LassWiADelicateAir · 24/02/2018 21:11

If you did end up separating and divorcing then all assets are marital assets regardless of whether you've kept them separate

No they are not.

LassWiADelicateAir · 24/02/2018 21:13

And if you stay together forever then eventually one of you will die. Where does the money go then? To the other? Or to your DC if you have them? So eventually the money ends up in the same place regardless

And that is not correct either.

Squeakybubbles26 · 24/02/2018 21:19

You've got to do what works best for you two and not what everyone else thinks!
Me and DP have our own accounts, he pays the mortgage, we both pay towards household bills and share childcare and food costs equally! He earns a lot more than me however pays a lot more than me into the household so if he has more left over at the end of the month .. why shouldn't he be able to treat himself! It's works for us and I know if I ever did need 'extra help' he would help me out no doubt! However never really need to ask! We live to our means..in our own accounts but this doesn't affect our relationship at all!

pallisers · 24/02/2018 22:24

In a restaurant I’ll pay my share either card or cash and dp will pay his, no staff have commented. Why would they?

I asked you questions earlier and you answered one of them - thanks.

So do you do this if you go out with other couples or groups of people? Like if you are out with a couple where the other couple plop down one credit card or calculate half the bill and give that amount of cash from one of them, do you ever find them looking at you open-mouthed, while you figure out who had the soft-shell crab and who had the asparagus? I say this because 26 years ago we went out to dinner with a cohabiting couple, not married but since married, who did this -it was soft-shelled crab and asparagus- and I still remember it as really odd and faffish - they were sharing a bathroom and a life, would 5 bucks either way really matter?

LassWiADelicateAir · 24/02/2018 22:51

So do you do this if you go out with other couples or groups of people? Like if you are out with a couple where the other couple plop down one credit card or calculate half the bill and give that amount of cash from one of them, do you ever find them looking at you open-mouthed, while you figure out who had the soft-shell crab and who had the asparagus?

Did anyone say they did this? If I am in a group of people I would expect the bill to be divided by the number of people there. Eg a bill of £400 amongst 8 people - each person pays £50.

Why if 2 people happen to be a couple is it so weird and so outwith some posters' ken for a couple to individually pay their £50 share?

Motoko · 25/02/2018 00:09

If you did end up separating and divorcing then all assets are marital assets regardless of whether you've kept them separate

Lass: No they are not.

Eh? Can you explain why they're not? That's the way it usually works.

LassWiADelicateAir · 25/02/2018 01:16

Scots Law - Assets acquired before the marriage (with the probable exception of the matrimonial home) ; assets gifted or inherited during the marriage ; and assets acquired after cohabitation but before divorce are not matrimonial property.

I own a flat acquired before my marriage and it is not our home- my husband would have claim on it.

doesthislookoddtoyou · 25/02/2018 01:25

I’d rather my set up thanks. At least I’m not living beyond my means in loads of debt.

Neither am I, but unlike you I have the full protection of the law in event of death and divorce. You're got nothing but a co parent who has much more money than you and never has to give you any of it.

BadLad · 25/02/2018 04:15

We have completely separate finances, apart from some money in a booze and entertainment wallet into which we both stick some money every month.

My wife deals with the household finances, so I just transfer her some dosh every month. If it's not enough, ill transfer more, but in fact it slowly builds up.

The rest of the money stays with whoever earned it.

I know she likes saving and investing, as do I, so it works for us. I couldn't be bothered with asking for a discussion every time I wanted to buy something.

Bluelady · 25/02/2018 06:08

I checked and an inheritance during a marriage doesn't count towards marital assets in England either.

KERALA1 · 25/02/2018 06:22

Thoroughly confusing later posts. In England if you are married it's all on the table to be divided to meet everybody's needs. Where did you read that blue lady? Even trusts can be set aside in some instances.

1ndig0 · 25/02/2018 06:53

Lass - if there were 4 couples at dinner and the bill was £400, then somebody would announce it was £100 each (i.e. per couple).

No idea where you live, but I have to say I have never been out in that kind if situation where a couple then split it between them again or put down separate cards. I really can't think of one instance in 20 years.

The only time the bill gets split per person would be if it was a mix of single people or couples.

When it's families eating out, it can more complicated but you would never expect the adults in a particular family to then re-divide their part of the bill, according to what each of them had and half of whatever the children had. Who does that really?

Beetlejizz · 25/02/2018 09:26

There are different rules in different parts of the UK, which I suspect is causing the confusion. I don't know Scottish law and will take Lass' word for it, but in England and Wales inheritances most certainly can be included in the pot for divorce. And probably will be, if the money is needed to meet the needs of the minor children and they can't be met otherwise. As a general rule the later in the marriage they were received, the less likely they are to be included, but again the needs of the children will override this if there's no other way round it. You don't just have the option of saying this was given to me so it should stay mine, any more than you would with a pension or savings.

LoveInTokyo · 25/02/2018 09:34

Yes, Scotland has a separate legal system.

In England and Wales, the starting point is that all assets belonging to the husband and wife go in the same pot and are then divided equally unless there is a compelling reason not to divide them equally. Often this means a mother who is the primary carer for young children will get more (usually including the house) because the children’s welfare comes first.

All of this is irrelevant to the OP, however, because she and her partner are unmarried. So even though he appears to have been living for free in her mother’s house for however many years and not having to pay for childcare which the OP is doing, and should have a lot more money in the bank because of that, if they split up she would get none of it.

Beetlejizz · 25/02/2018 09:57

True...

LassWiADelicateAir · 25/02/2018 10:15

Lass - if there were 4 couples at dinner and the bill was £400, then somebody would announce it was £100 each (i.e. per couple)

No idea where you live, but I have to say I have never been out in that kind of situation where it would be divided by the number of couples as opposed to the number of people there. I'm 57 and in all my grown up years of eating out I have never come across what you describe.

Motoko · 25/02/2018 12:21

Scots Law

Well, that only applies in Scotland! You're being disingenuous.
In England and Wales, all assets become assets of the marriage, regardless of whose name they're in, or whether they were acquired before the marriage.

LassWiADelicateAir · 25/02/2018 12:28

Scots Law

Well, that only applies in Scotland! You're being disingenuous
In England and Wales, all assets become assets of the marriage, regardless of whose name they're in, or whether they were acquired before the marriage

Well of course everyone posting on MN is domiciled in England and Wales so only English law is relevant.

Posters were posting blanket statements about divorce and succesion laws which were wrong in relation to one of the 4 countries in the UK. They will almost certainly be wrong in other jurisdictions too.

Beetlejizz · 25/02/2018 12:35

To be fair OP could be in Scotland. She's not said. The more logical assumption to make is England and Wales, given the numbers, but it's not like there are no MNers in Scotland.