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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have separate finances...

533 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 13:50

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

OP posts:
1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 15:07

It's your business at the end of the day Lipstick and each to their own. This is something I have never come across in real life, that's all.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 15:12

Well yes it our individual choice.and it’s not hard,difficult,tricky in the least

KERALA1 · 24/02/2018 15:22

It's your business but baffling to me Due to the utter faff factor. Just booked our cinema tickets would you really say to your husband "you owe me £12?" Life's too short I couldn't be bothered with it but there you go.

Anyway I'm rather tired of your domestic arrangements this isn't about you but the op, who as other posters have eloquently pointed out is putting herself at a financial disadvantage for reasons I don't really understand. Alarm bells ring for me when i see words like unmarried, low earner and the fact the woman works fewer hours to accommodate their shared kids. Marvellous set up. For the man anyway.

Nicknacky · 24/02/2018 15:23

So would you comment on how a customer paid?

1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 15:35

Me? No, of course I wouldn't comment, but to be absolutely honest, I might just think it was a man with his child and a woman with hers who were meeting for lunch.

Nicknacky · 24/02/2018 15:40

And it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to anyone what you thought about the payment methods

Bluelady · 24/02/2018 15:44

Indig0, you're being beyond ridiculous.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 24/02/2018 15:47

I just caught up with 6 pages... really didn’t exp3ct this thread to go on this long 🙈
He was talking about wills today as his step grandmother is dying so it’s was a subject that came up. Apparently I am on his will. I wasn’t aware. He says he told me, which he may have done and I’ve just completely overlooked it. We actually had a discussion about money and I have decided I won’t be so stubborn about the subject. It doesn’t mean I’m gonna start letting him pay for everything but maybe pick my battles a bit better.
Years ago when we Had our son he gave me all bank details just in case something happens to him with instructions to transfer his money out.
I have a pension and have life insurance which I’ve being paying since I was 21. He has life insurance. The way I see it is as long as the kids are okay and all set if something were to happen I can fend for myself. I’m planning to go fulltime in when my daughter is in high school. I will only be 36 then so still young enough .

OP posts:
phoenix1973 · 24/02/2018 15:48

My partner earns 8 x what I do so he pays more. Mortgage paid by him (im on deeds)
I pay my own car expense food shop and my direct debits. Plus our dds needs.school dinner parties clothes etc for her.
I cannot afford holidays. So he pays 7/8ths and i pay 1/8 of the cost. I have said I'll stay at home but he says no.
I was paying a monthly overpayment on the mortgage but my employment is unstable.
Been together 22 years, this is good.

Original poster
Sophisticatedsarcasm · 24/02/2018 15:50

I’m sorry but to me some posters are coming across like they only got married for security?
It’s sad because I know some people that did just that.
I could be like my BIL wife who made him sell his house to fincaance the wedding that she just had to have. Beyond thier means and now they rent and just about can manage and have to borrow money off the FIL all the time. I’d rather my set up thanks. At least I’m not living beyond my means in loads of debt.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 15:51

If I saw two adults and Children in a restaurant I’d assume the kid menu was nice
That’s all

DixieFlatline · 24/02/2018 15:53

Years ago when we Had our son he gave me all bank details just in case something happens to him with instructions to transfer his money out.

I don't think that would work how either of you thinks it would work.

LassWiADelicateAir · 24/02/2018 15:56

If you're out for dinner with say, four other couples, do you actually pay separately to your DH when the bill comes? It must be a minefield

Yes we would pay separately in that situation. If bill is say £400 and 8 people are owe £50 each for the bill what is there to make "a minefield" of in taking £50 off my card and £50 off my husband's? (Or as is more likely he will have cash on him and I'll pay by card)

Bluelady · 24/02/2018 16:00

Got married for love, I was already financially secure. But it means whoever dies first the other gets half their pension (marriage certificate required) and there's no inheritance tax to pay (marriage certificate required). It made complete financial sense but that wasn't the prime reason.

KERALA1 · 24/02/2018 16:04

All being equal it's hard to understand why a high net worth couple wouldn't get married. Have you looked at the iht position? Numerous clients of mine have got married for that reason alone.

1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 16:05

"you're being beyond ridiculous".

Well a pp asked, so I was being honest. Confused

Bluelady · 24/02/2018 16:07

Nobody asked at all. You kept coming up with hypothetical scenarios and badgering with "what ifs".

mydogisthebest · 24/02/2018 16:12

I have never ever known a couple that split their bill in a restaurant let alone split it unequally. If there were a couple doing that in a film or tv sitcom I would laugh and think that's not real life at all.

As for paying for the children jointly and then splitting the remainder! I just don't get it at all.

Also surprised at the poster who said she got an inheritance and it's all hers to spend. Although I guess her OH could be an extremely high wage earner. I would never ever think any money I got whether wages, winnings on the lottery or an inheritance were mine to spend and DH wouldn't with any money he got.

In fact I received quite a large pension payment today and we are talking about what to do with it. A couple of nice holidays are definitely on the cards

Nicknacky · 24/02/2018 16:29

I got some money after my mum died 18 months ago. Not a massive amount as my dad is thankfully still with us. Wasn't even discussed, it was my money to do with what I wanted. I redecorated, bought new furniture etc. But if I had wanted to buy jewellery, something frivolous to remember my mum then h would have had no issue with that and certainly wouldn't have voiced an opinion.

If and when he gets any money ins similar circumstance then I will take the same view.

Bluelady · 24/02/2018 16:33

It was me. My husband took the view that if my dad had wanted him to have the money he'd have left it to him.

LoveInTokyo · 24/02/2018 16:54

“Years ago when we Had our son he gave me all bank details just in case something happens to him with instructions to transfer his money out.”

OP I’m pretty sure that isn’t legal...

LassWiADelicateAir · 24/02/2018 17:06

It was me. My husband took the view that if my dad had wanted him to have the money he'd have left it to him

Which is the legal position too (certainly in Scotland) Gifts or inheritance received during marriage are not matrimonial property.

Beetlejizz · 24/02/2018 17:15

Glad you had that discussion OP, and definitely make sure you're conversant with details of both wills too.

If he does start formally taking a larger share of the finances, maybe think about using the money that's being freed up to put towards savings or a pension for you, or something else to cushion you a bit against the impact of being a lower earner? Just with what you said about your health as well, makes it even more important. Security matters! Notice that a lot of the women telling you they do separate finances and 50/50 too have a lot of it themselves.

rubberducker · 24/02/2018 17:35

Each to their own as far as I'm concerned as long as both parties are happy with the set-up. We pool everything here.

I guess the thing that I wonder about with separate accounts, particularly if you're married, is what's the point in the long term? If you did end up separating and divorcing then all assets are marital assets regardless of whether you've kept them separate. And if you stay together forever then eventually one of you will die. Where does the money go then? To the other? Or to your DC if you have them? So eventually the money ends up in the same place regardless. And in the meantime you've spent your life splitting bills or haggling over who paid the last time.

Nicknacky · 24/02/2018 17:37

Most of us don't haggle though. Or split bills. I pay set things, h pays other things.

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