To have separate finances...

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

Me and DH keep our finances separate. We do have a joint account for our mortgage and bills that we both put a set amount in each month. He earns more than me so puts more money into. Whilst he never says anything really about my spending I just prefer for him to not know how much i spend at the hairdressers etc

Interesting that the people who have joint finances are the ones getting bent out of shape at those who don't while those of us with separate finances couldn't care less what anyone else does.

Quite

Lipstick - I'm just being honest that I think most kids with two parents would not hear the "You get Nando's, I got the cinema" conversation. It sounds like two friends or unconnected people.

If my kids need something, it makes no difference if they ask me for it if their dad because it's all one and the same.

Unconnected is a lack of regard,lack of empathy,humour and warmth.not consistent
Kids with unconnected parents,yea that’s a worry. Splitting a Nando’s that’s not worrying
Frankly Your language is v emotive for such a straightforward non issue

When you split up, you'll be left looking after kids with a lot fewer options than if you were married. It's very careless and irresponsible to put children in that situation.

When who splits up?

Bluelady, it's actually Lipstick that is getting the most annoyed and she has separate accounts.

If people want separate accounts fine, I am just wondering about the working out of who pays for what and how much. As I said, a lot of the couples I know or have known (such as DH's parents) who have separate accounts seem to make such a song and dance about it - "Oh I've paid the milkman but you paid the window cleaner so you owe me 50p". It just seems so much easier that all money goes into a joint account.

Do those of you with separate accounts just have separate or a joint too? If it's just separate what if, like my DH, one of you receives a very large sum of money? Does it just go into your account for you to decide what to do with it? Those with separate and joint, again I could not be arsed moving money around from account to account.

We go to the cinema and for a meal one of us will either pay on our debit card or draw the cash out first and pay. Technically it's all DH's money as he is the only earner but we don't look at it like that

When you split up, you'll be left looking after kids with a lot fewer options than if you were married. It's very careless and irresponsible to put children in that situation

What situation?unmarried

What’s all Are you suggesting cohabitation is very careless and irresponsible for children in that situation

Read the thread dog
I have not shouted out
Flatmates
Business arrangement
Lack of commitment
Not proper family
about shared accs

I do think some women are so hell-bent on the idea of "independence" that they will literally cut off their nose to spite their face.

I'm not talking about specific examples on here because it's none of my business. However, in most relationships, it still tends to be the man who is the higher earner. Even if not initially, it tends to evolve over time as women tend to be the ones whose jobs / income are more affected by children.

Yes, I know people will come in now and say they only took 3 weeks off with each baby and got them in nursery asap, but I am talking as a general rule.

So where there are separate finances, who is generally benefitting? The higher earning DH or his wife?

It also tends to be the case that women spend more time with the kids - either because they are SAHM, part-time or feel as if they have to get home quicker for pick-ups. So it follows that more of "their" money will be spent on day to day stuff for the kids. Then the DH can still act magnanimous by paying for the "big important stuff" beyond the everyday.

If I had children with a man and he didn't INSIST on me and HIS children having direct, daily access to his income, I don't think I could trust him in a marriage because it would I would not feel valued, respected or equal.

If I had children with a man and he didn't INSIST on me and HIS children having direct, daily access to his income, I don't think I could trust him in a marriage because it would I would not feel valued, respected or equal.

^^ Totally agree. Never understand how people are prepared to share bodily fluids but not money.

What irks you so much about separate finances why so scathing about “independence” as you put it. Is independence a bad thing. Does that mean dependence is preferable

In other words, having separate finances and 50/50 payments where children are involved and the DH is the higher earner, is like letting him have his cake and eat it. All the benefits of a wife and family, with less financial responsibility to boot. Yet some women seem brainwashed into thinking this equates to independence.

yep, He’s seen me sliced open by a surgeon to deliver our kids, but nope I won’t have a joint acc. Can’t see why that’s such a biggie

You’re off being offensive again 1ndig0
Brainwashed? For not doing as you do?for not following a habit others have?
I’m adding brainwashed to the mn bingo

I know two couples who do it and it's madness, especially after having kids. I can't understand the "I'll treat us to dinner" or "can you lend me.." It should all be family money no matter what is contributed. I can't imagine DP keeping the money he earns to himself and me having to ask for some.. talk about dehumanising. We are a team!

1ndig0 both DH and I started investing money when we were both very young.We didn't even meet till we were almost thirty.

We have exactly the same attitude to money but we don't want to spend time asking if we can take x money ot to put in to a bond, plan or whatever.

About gender roles, women still tend to earn less, it makes sense for the lesser earner to be the one that gives up hours. That's the root of the problem. I remember my ex didn't like the fact I earned more than him.

If I had children with a man and he didn't INSIST on me and HIS children having direct, daily access to his income, I don't think I could trust him in a marriage because it would I would not feel valued, respected or equal.

To be fair, OPs DP is trying to remedy the situation!

What irks you so much about separate finances why so scathing about “independence” as you put it. Is independence a bad thing. Does that mean dependence is preferable

I don't think it's the independent being a bad thing, not just what most with a joint account want. They want and in many cases need access to a mans money and somehow feel entitled to it. Without it they can't choose to not work or do the token few hours.

I've even seen women on here claim a mans salary as their own when asked re careers etc claiming their adult husband couldn't work without them

Adults should have the independent financial means to support themselves, no relationship comes with a guarantee.

I just cannot fathom saying especially in front of my child.. 'I paid for dd's food, so you pay for the cinema tickets'-- makes me cringe.

That is my opinion. Im sure seperate finances work too..

Dehumanising! To have autonomy over ones finances?how so
Is humanity only expressed by shared finances,a joint account with Santander and your humanised

I'm not talking about you particularly Lipstick.

Higher earning husbands often convince their wives that it's all ok and fair that her income mainly pays for the shopping, kids clothes and day-to-day stuff because after all, he is taking care of the bigger expenses and it all balances out. To me that seems like a subtle form of control. It's ensuring the wife does not spend beyond her "limits" (i.e. more than she earns) on herself or the children. His income is not impacted by such day to day fraff. He is then feed up to make the "big decisions" such as the mortgage, where to go on holiday and so on. If you're spending on different things it creates an unbalanced dynamic imo.

We have exactly the same attitude to money but we don't want to spend time asking if we can take x money ot to put in to a bond, plan or whatever

We have joint finances but we don't ask each other what to do with the money. In fact we never discuss it beyond the occasional "we need to be a bit careful this week there's not much left till payday" or if we are talking about buying large joint purchases.

No you are not being unreasonable. We have been together over 30 years and have always had separate finances.