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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have separate finances...

533 replies

Sophisticatedsarcasm · 23/02/2018 13:50

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

OP posts:
LassWiADelicateAir · 24/02/2018 10:24

If I had children with a man and he didn't INSIST on me and HIS children having direct, daily access to his income, I don't think I could trust him in a marriage because it would I would not feel valued, respected or equal

That would make me feel like a leech and a doormat. I would no more want that than I would want my husband having direct , daily access to my income.

1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 10:53

No it's not being a leech Lass. When we got married we'd discussed that we wanted to have at least 3 kids, if possible. DH knew I would struggle with having to leave them with a nanny and he was honest that he wouldn't have wanted that kind of family set-up either. It's great if it works for other families, but that was not us and no point pretending otherwise. It's just about being honest really. So because I was willing to be committed the kids day to day, he fully understood the implications and importance of this and he sees his role as financially providing. He doesn't see it as "his" money. It's for our kids primarily because that's our mutual priority as a family.

1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 10:59

And before we had kids he did have equal access to my money. Of course he did! It was all merged and one and the same thing. Why would I need to "ring-fence" money as "my own?"

Safilel · 24/02/2018 11:06

Read the thread dog
I have not shouted out
Flatmates
Business arrangement
Lack of commitment
Not proper family
about shared accs

Just because you haven’t said those exact things doesn’t mean you haven’t been incredibly rude in some of your posts.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 11:06

1ndig0 Sat 24-Feb-18 10:10:30 your posts has more holes than a Swiss cheese
Ok. A sahm is wholly financially dependent on her dp.he earns the salary
That 1 salary fills fridge,pays mortgage,bills etc.the family & sahm reliant on 1 wage earner
That person places their salary in a shared accessible acc
The unwaged person has no safety net,no recent work exp. standard of living wholly dependent upon the dp
Upon breakup there’d be maintenance for kids.spousal maintenance isn’t a given increasingly now judges instruct women to work
So that’s the big decisions made by waged partner,he has the power cause he the money
And be clear having no money,simply being recipient of the money that is an imbalance

Beetlejizz · 24/02/2018 11:12

No you are not being unreasonable. We have been together over 30 years and have always had separate finances.

Can't help but notice that you, like lipstick are an FT, high earning professional who hasn't compromised her income to look after DC. And iirc you're married too? So your situation is completely different to OPs.

Separate and straight down the middle split is arguably equitable in a scenario where neither party is subbing the other in respect of childcare performed. I can see the logic in situations like yours and especially lipstick's given that they're not married, even if it wouldn't suit me. But that's not what's going on here.

People are basically saying to OP YANBU, we do it this way too... when they don't, not really. They just have a couple of the same ingredients.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 11:12

Safi i have not told anyone they’re weird or in an unstable relationship or asked if they or partner have gambling habits.

I did query why capable articulate women find it too hard,too precise,too business like to split a bill. Yet are able in so many other tasks.but not sole accounts apparently

I did query a poster on not recalling her own recent post

Safilel · 24/02/2018 11:17

You made digs about cognitive issues, lil female brains and the way you “queried” me was rude. Other people have been rude to you too, but let’s not pretend you have been covering yourself in sunshine with your posts. I’m out though, enjoy your bunfight.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 11:18

As I said we all have preferences and seek out similar parties
I didn’t give up ft work.i don’t do joint monies. they were my absolutes
We all gravitate to likeminded partners.my dp shares the same POV

1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 11:18

Lipstick - that is not the situation at all.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 11:21

No dig, I straight up asked if another poster has cognitive issue as she couldn’t recall her v recent post
And I never got a reply whether it was a wouldn’t or couldn’t recall the post
And yes I commented on capable women who apparently can’t do complicated stuff like,split a bill
Too hard,too complicated apparently....

Safilel · 24/02/2018 11:36

That clearly was a dig, asking about cognitive issues like that.
Am I incapable of splitting a bill? no It’s not rocket science but for us it was slightly harder and it is more complicated then just using one bank account sorry that stating the facts of our financial relationship and I can’t change the facts that it is simpler and easier FOR US seems such a hard concept for you to grasp, that I must be an idiot that can’t work our 500/2 is 250. But I’m really going now as I have to head out.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 11:44

Again,I’ll explain an inability to recall a v recent post made me query recall,short term memory.cognition

YoloSwaggins · 24/02/2018 11:52

Why on earth is it "weird" to do separate finances?

We love each other and live together but I can never make that mental leap to see mine or his salary as "our" money. It's not. Mine is mine and his is his. Like that cringey thread where someone asked "How much do you earn" and the SAHMs replied "we earn this much". No, you don't....

Helpimfalling · 24/02/2018 11:53

We share everything all goes into my account which I have the card for and we take what we need when we need

I also think your ways strange but only because growing up my dad worked mr Mum was housewife and they split it all obviously so to me that's normal

1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 11:55

Of course anyone can split a bill Confused That's not even worth mentioning. The point is that most people (I think)? don't WANT to live like that.

As for spreadsheets, DH and I have one right now re-a renovation project, but the purpose of it is to keep track of how and when WE are paying the builders, etc, not which one of us is paying for this or that. That would be a total nightmare tbh.

1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 11:56

Yolo - er yes we do!

YoloSwaggins · 24/02/2018 11:56

How is splitting bills a "nightmare" unless you failed GCSE maths?

You literally divide by 2

YoloSwaggins · 24/02/2018 11:57

Well, you don't. Your husband does.

If you don't work you don't technically earn anything! How is that so hard to grasp?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 11:59

No,you don’t work indigo. You’re husband earns a salary you don’t

1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 12:00

Confused A spreadsheet working out who pays for multiple aspects of a renovation over six months with everything from plumbing to furniture would be a PITA, compared to paying for all those things together, from joint accounts. Not saying it can't be done, but it's ridiculous.

1ndig0 · 24/02/2018 12:02

It is "our" money though. How is that hard to grasp?

If I went to work it would still be "our" money. No difference at all.

CauliflowerBalti · 24/02/2018 12:02

We keep our finances separate. It’s a different situation to yours as I earn much more, and I pay for more - holidays, meals, cinema trips... That kind of thing.

We agree to spend a set amount at Christmas and my dh drives the limit.

I had a joint account with my ex. That worked well too. But I became very independent in my single years and now there’s no need. It isn’t broke so why fix it?

swingofthings · 24/02/2018 12:04

Another one who doesn't think it is weird, and in my world, not that unusual either. OH and I are much happier with separate accounts and would not like it any differently.

Of course it's circumstantial, we both work and earn a similar income (although my outgoings are higher) and we met later in life so both were used to have full control of our finances, but what matters is that it works for us.

Having separate accounts doesn't mean you are not committed to each other. DH and I would fully support the other if it came to that, and I would just need to tell my OH that I'm struggling one month and he would transfer some money, no questions asked. It's more about budget management than control over money for self-protection.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 24/02/2018 12:04

It’s only ridiculous if one can’t fathom how to do the math on a restaurant bill
Otherwise it’s v straightforward,and keeps it all on track

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