To have separate finances...

[Sophisticatedsarcasm]

Basically me and my DP have been together 14 years and have 2 DC
Since my DS was born I asked my DP that we keep our finances separate as I like to be independent. We pay for our own stuff and anything regarding kids we go half and half, same if we share something. He tries to pay for more but I won’t let him. He works a lot so subsequently earns a huge bit more than me, as I only work 20/25 hours per week. It just means for my birthday and Christmas he spends like 3 times on me what I spend on him which makes me feel bad as I can’t afford as much.
One of the guys I work with who’s been with his DP for roughly same amount of time and also has 2 dc thinks this is strange. Him and his mrs share all thier money.
I can’t be the only one to do this right?

No I don’t micromanage small stuff,the big stuff,yes.
If I’m passing shop I’ll casually pick up milk,don’t note that anywhere
Groceries we split the shared stuff soap powder,dishwasher,bread,from joint acc
Other items we buy Individually eg tofu,veg stuff as I’m veggie.he isn’t
Go out to cinema,meal,etc we split it.

I am a huge believer in women having their own fiscal independence

My mother, born in 1927 told us this. She had seen a lot.

Wise advice then and now
I’d also like to encourage women read up on cohabitation,and no such thing as common law marriage

"Go out to the cinema, meal etc we split it".

I don't think DH and I ever split a bill, even when we were dating. I don't even split the bill with friends much these days - eg. I'll get lunch or they will.

What do you do if you go out for the day with the kids and end up buying things you hadn't predicted. Do you say, "You buy their popcorn because I paid the entrance fee". Do the kids see you having this kind of conversation?

The thing is, most expenses in families with kids fall into a "grey area" so what is the point of eg buying your own tofu? He might decide he likes a certain beer or something on another day. It all balances out surely, unless one of you is a spendaholic or has serious control issues?

We are not married..... I don’t intend to get married either... it’s not for me.. I’m quite happy how our life is... it works for us and we pretty much have all the markings of a married couple apart from a shar3d surname and apparently a ‘ joint account’.

Legally you don't have any if the "markings" of a married couple.

If you're married, even if you've kept joint finances it doesn't matter, it will still all be divided up as joint assets. If you split up he will keep the nice little nest egg he's saved up from earning more than you but spending 50/50 on joint outgoings. You'll walk away with the lesser amount you've saved.

You might feel better because of some "independent woman" / feminist agenda but your decision not to get married or have a more fair financial arrangement (eg contribution is based on what is earned) has left you financially vulnerable.

Your arrangement would keep me awake at night and make me feel very resentful but each to their own. Just don't kid yourself that you have the same rights as someone who's married, you don't.

Well said givemesteel.
Our finances are separate. No joint account. We have never had an argument about money. We have the same approach to money. I have a substantial sum n a separate account still in case anything were to happen to DH to make sure I have enough pending probate.

We both work. His earnings until recently were many multiples of mine. It is decades since we had any concern about taking care to ensure we lived by the Micawber principle but even then DH never once questioned my spending. I made a list of everything (I didn't work when dc small) and he wrote a cheque at the end of the month. I'm talking there spending on food, soft-play, haircuts, etc. But there is nothing like having your own money in your own pocket aand doing what you want with it within reason. DH doesn't need to know if I spend on a handbag and lipstick and I don't need to know if he spends on tech.

Givemesteel, you sound like a very resentful (your word) and bitter person.

I’m surprised at how many women have a terrible attitude and are giving the op a hard time. Do you do this to the other people in your life? Put them down by making nasty comments until they conform to your views.

Op, my advice to you would be-continue doing what you’re doing. Every relationship is different, we don’t have to be the same.

Split here, half the mortgage and bills each into joint account, anything left is our own to do with what we want. Take turns for things like meals out etc. I earn close to twice what my partner earns.

Just caught up.... for those that are saying my DP gets away with it not paying for childcare because I’m at home. Forgive me but it’s hardly childcare when it’s your own kids....I’d say it’s raising them. It’s my personal choice to stay...

Whatever you prefer to call it, and let's not get bogged down by semantics, the reality is that your DP is not in a 50/50 arrangement when it comes to the family as a whole. Your independent, everything equal arrangement only applies to some areas, not all. He is contributing less than 50%- and he probably understands the innate unfairness of this, since he's not happy about the arrangement and wants to pay for more. It's you that's forcing inequality.

And the outcome of you taking a more than 50% share of providing and caring for the family is that you have less money available to put into a pension and savings. If your financial contribution was reduced to make your actual shares of everything 50%, the money you're now spending on subbing him would be available to eg put in your pension against your old age. You might think you're not suffering any detriment from paying 50% and contributing more than 50% of everything now, but fast forward a few decades.

Fwiw I work part time too so I'm not anti that.

All of you that have separate accounts what happens if one of you, for whatever reason, stops working?

If his savings run out, send him the money. It's not flipping rocket science

If my savings run out, then he would send me money.

Having separate accounts doesn't mean youre automatically screwed if one of you becomes unemployed. You know how bank accounts work, right? Lol

Interesting thread.

We have just got married and at the moment I earn slightly more than him. We split bills roughly 50:50 but we’re not very organised about it. We have a joint account but we’re not used to using it yet.

Maybe now is the time to talk about how we want things to work in the long-term.

I'd say so Tokyo.

I am a huge believer in women having their own fiscal independence

Joint accounts do not mean you're not independent. And similarly, separate ones don't make you independent if only money coming in is from DH or your little part time job which would not allow you to support yourself in case of break up.

I'm independent. By this I mean that I don't have to rely on DH to manage. If he packed his suitcase and moved out tomorrow, I would not have any problems paying the mortgage and feeding the kids.

Lipstick, so you split the bills for the builders. What if one of you earned a lot more than the other? Would you have to split it, say, 30/70? What a stupid waste of time.

You have a spreadsheet to work out and see who pays what! Again a stupid waste of time.

You say you split the bill if you eat out but wasn't it you who said you are veggie so you pay your bit of the bill and your OH pays his? You don't split 50/50 do you?

Also you pay for your veggie food in the house and he pays for his meat. It just seems so complicated, time wasting and completely unnecessary.

So posters say if one couldn't work their OH would give them money/put money into their account. What if you or your OH could never work again? Would you not then have a joint account? I can't imagine that would be easy for those of you adamant that you don't want that.

My parents and DH's parents had separate accounts and I think that made both of us convinced we would have a joint one.

DH got a very large inheritance a couple of years ago. It went into the joint account and we discussed what we would do with it. A couple of friends insisted it was "his" money and he should be deciding. What a great attitude

Not stupid in the least,and yes I can master percentages and proportion.your point is?
eating out,split bill by what one eat.im veggie my yo sushi is all green plates.
It would be interesting if folk could get beyond the shouting out of
Weird
Odd
Flatmates
Lack commitment
Not proper family
..and actually think about why joint acc. why it so embedded in societal norms that’s the thing to do
And why it clearly rattles a lot of folk,to the extent it’s not proper,innit

In a nutshell excluding all of the above shout-outs can anyone elaborate?

The flat mate comment was more a description of how I would experience a separate finances set- up.

When I was a student or in a shared house situation, we did exactly what people are describing here. We put a set amount into an account to cover rent, council tax, maintenance, bills etc. The rest was obviously nobody else's business.

A marriage with children is a totally different level of commitment though, surely?

But why do you feel the need to have to work out the percentages and proportions? Why not just split bills 50/50 if you insist on having separate accounts?

I know couples who have separate accounts but most of them just split everything equally. Of course the problem is if one earns far more than the other. I know a gay couple where one earns a huge salary and the other earns very little. Often the high earner goes on holiday on his own as his partner can't afford it. Other times he will fly first class while his partner has to fly economy. That, to me, is totally unfair.

Do the kids see you having this kind of conversation? What conversations?
Pass the mad dug please
Mone let’s steal hub caps
Run! It’s the cops
oh not those conversations You mean the I’ll get the cinema, you get the Nando’s conversation
Sure thing kids hear that, shall I call the social?.will it damage them?

Mn bingo for commitment
Really is that your best shot at it. I’m serious, let’s explore deeper why is it so unsettling
What’s it demonstrating about societal beliefs about gender,marriage,finances

If you have separate accounts though, something must bother one or both of you about the other's attitude to money? Otherwise why do it?

Because it suits us. Simple as that.

DH and I have 22 years of seperate accounts.

We always made sure we had very similar amounts left over after all practical expenses. I receive a pension now as medically retired in my forties. It's quite a decent one but I did take a drop in income plus he got promoted a few months later and got a really decent pay rise. He now just pays for everything and I only cover food and my own car. So again we have similar amounts left over.

Take great note of the post by givemesteel

We do this and it works for us. My dp tries to pay for meals out etc as he feels that he should do and it’s the gentlemanly thing to do. I find this a bit old fashioned but hey, each to their own.

Having been divorced twice I feel the need to be financially independent and this works for us. We never ever row about money and I’m really happy with the situation as he says he is too.

No bother financially.both solvent,employed ft,no odious habits
Always have had separate acc,never changed it because don’t want to
This is how we manage our finances

I want to pick up on Do the kids see you having this kind of conversation?
You get the cinema,I’ll get Nando’s As I said, yes they do
Why would that be problematic
Do I need to model joint accs to the kids or they’ll be in grave danger?whats the issue exactly?