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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is unnecessarily bitchy?

521 replies

BearsandHearts · 22/02/2018 17:56

Will try to keep brief!
Last Friday I went out with some work colleagues for drinks. Whilst out my colleague/friend bumped into her husband who was with his friends. I hit it off with one of the men he was with and we've been texting with an aim to meet up soon.
My colleague knew this and seemed very keen for us to meet. However yesterday colleague told me she'd seen this man I'm due to go out with as he's a mutual friend. She said quite casually ' I told mutual friend you've got 3 kids by 3 dad's and you've had a boob job'. I told her she's being bitchy and not to put ideas in this man's head. Why would you tell someone that?

OP posts:

RadioGaGoo · 23/02/2018 09:23

Bloody hell. If I was a man, I wouldnt date the majority of you based on your shitty, judgemental comments.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2018 09:25

If you work in an office especially one full of women it's entirely reasonable to know all the things the "friend" does for everyone who is querying how she could possibly know. Because it isn't something shameful, its just a fact of her life.

However the way she's come back to tell OP she's told him and thrown in the comment about the boobs makes it clear she was being bitchy.

They've met once, it's hardly like she can be accused of keeping secrets from him.

And having three kids from three men only indicates she's had sex three times with different men. It doesn't mean she's a goer or onto a promise. I'm assuming those making such comments saved themselves for their husbands on their wedding night and carry around a bag of scarlet letters.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 23/02/2018 09:44

I think with men, it is different. If I met a man who had three kids to three women and bothered with none/some of them, as is often the case, I'd want to be warned

I don't think it's different at all. For me, it's nothing to do with seeing them or child support. It's about having children with numerous partners. It shows they don't care about stability and don't see children as important, just something you do in each relationship. I'd not even want a date with the man in the first instance.

Irrelevant if its a woman or a man, I'd warn friends and family who were considering dating them.

Falsenails77 · 23/02/2018 09:48

You're right she had no right to share that info with him in the first place

However I think it's more the fact that she felt the need to tell you what she had told him that puts a different slant on things. She is definitely no friend.

Hope you enjoy your date.

InterstellarSleepingElla · 23/02/2018 09:51

Has she done this before? I read a thread on here before where the "friend" did exactly the same (3 kids, 3 Dads, boob job).

SleepingStandingUp · 23/02/2018 09:57

YellowMakesMeSmile It shows they don't care about stability and don't see children as important, just something you do in each relationship
It shows no such thing. My cousin got married / babies young. He turned out to be an abusive arse. She left.
She was only late 20's. She met someone else. They married and he was a great step father. It would have been entirely reasonable for them to have had a child together without it suggesting she's a feckless slut. However they never got there as he died suddenly. She was now only I her late mid 30's. She met someone else and they had a baby fairly quickly in her early 40's, not a feckless decision but a choice to have a baby with a man she loves and is marrying. The older kids adore their new sister.

She could easily have had 4x3 as opposed to her 3x2. Not because she doesn't cake stability, puts it about, is a goer, I'd a sure bet, is a slut or considers kids just something you give each man to keep them keen but because she's been unlucky and lucky in love ascend didn't realise the mn rules on how many times you can behave a serious relationship

liz70 · 23/02/2018 10:15

Oh well, OP, I think it's best to be philosophical about all this. Look on the bright side - your colleague has shown her true colours, so you know to steer clear of her from now on, and it's out in the open to this guy, who doesn't sound bothered, so just go and enjoy your date and who knows where it might go from there. My own bio maternal grandmother had four kids by four different men back in the 1940s and 50s, you can imagine how that went down at the time. Oddly enough only my mum (one of the four) got adopted, maybe she was a particularly ugly baby.

Anyway, have a great time on your date.

Frequency · 23/02/2018 10:22

I agree Standing.

There are many reasons a long to mid term relationship resulting in children might not work out which has nothing to do with not valuing stability; infidelity, bereavement, abuse, the other partner simply leaving.

At what point are women (or men) who want a family unit expected to stop having children with the men they love and are in stable relationships with?

I was with my ex for three years, married for one when we planned DD2. I fell pregnant right away. Shortly after DD's birth he was made redundant, lost his brother to cancer, his granddad to old age and a close friend to alcoholism. He spiralled into a deep depression and turned into a thoroughly nasty, abusive, controlling man. Was I supposed to stay with him in order to maintain stability?
If I meet a childless man, live with him for three years, plan to marry him etc should I refuse him a child just in case he also develops depression after the child is born?

Ditto for the few men who have multiple children by multiple women and support and see all of them. They may have desperately wanted a stable family but the choice was taken from them by the women involved.

dreamingalwaysdreaming · 23/02/2018 10:25

your colleague is obviously not a very nice person - I'm sure she has form, and the man may know that. It's hardly likely to be the first time she's made bitchy comments, people that do these things tend to have done them before.

Risen · 23/02/2018 20:05

A close family member of mine had 3 children to three different father's. She's had a lot of stick from our "christian" family

Original poster

BearsandHearts · 24/02/2018 16:25

Hello everyone. I'm back reporting! The date went very well we had some food and drinks. We spoke about loads of things he's really interesting and I didn't see him eyeing up my fake boobs once!

OP posts:

Jobjobjob · 24/02/2018 16:35

Yay!!!! Go OP!

Jobjobjob · 24/02/2018 16:35

But tell colleague nothing!!

Helpimfalling · 24/02/2018 16:37

Yes tell that bitch nothing I think she fancies him

On the other hand tell us all

Original poster

BearsandHearts · 24/02/2018 16:38

God I won't be telling her anything!!

OP posts:

Original poster

BearsandHearts · 24/02/2018 16:47

He did laugh about mutual friend being a bit bitchy when she wants to be too! He's knows what she's like obviously

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 24/02/2018 17:34

glad the date went well, perhaps she didnt even say anythign!

starlightafar · 24/02/2018 17:40

Good on ya.
The friend has shown herself for what she is imo, a bitchy nasty cow who has tried to throw you under the bus and it's backfired. Go you!
I hope you end up married!
Both my best friends have 3 by 3 dads. None of that was caused by their chaotic behaviour. The kids are equally well treated and they are brought up well, not at all like half siblings.
From my own experience it is not the same as comparing to a dad of 3 to 3. Because usually that dad isn't the resident parent as the OP is, but also because it is also likely that a man in that situation does not see all or many of his kids.
One of the children whom I am referring to has a father who had 5 other kids. Guess what? He didn't see them. My friend thought that their relationship was different. That doesn't make her stupid or a goer. It makes her unlucky, because he has done the same again.
I really thought we had moved on from the Ulrika 4x4 judgements. Nearly everyone on here will have had sex with more than 3 men. The OP is no different. And it says nothing, at all, about her parenting, other than she is a strong woman who does her best for her kids.
Best of luck to you OP X

jkl0311 · 24/02/2018 17:53

Yay op so pleased for you!!! Some of us said it would make no odds! At least you could laugh about the mutual friend !! Seeing him again?

Gemini69 · 24/02/2018 18:18

BearsandHearts

so happy to read your Date went well.... so happy for you and I agree.. tell Her ZILCH

Original poster

BearsandHearts · 24/02/2018 18:30

He has texted so hopefully we will see each other again. We did speak about my kids a little bit and he obviously isn't bothered I've got kids so that seems good

OP posts:

starlightafar · 24/02/2018 21:19

Nice one OP. Do you fancy him?! (overinvested and need to get my own life!)

Original poster

BearsandHearts · 24/02/2018 22:18

I do he's very nice indeed. Shorter than my usual type but I'm short too lol

OP posts:

starlightafar · 24/02/2018 22:21

Nice. Hope it works out. And why breast implants would put any man off is beyond me. I think they look fab!

Original poster

BearsandHearts · 24/02/2018 22:25

I felt I needed them after 3 kids starlight lol

OP posts:

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