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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is unnecessarily bitchy?

521 replies

BearsandHearts · 22/02/2018 17:56

Will try to keep brief!
Last Friday I went out with some work colleagues for drinks. Whilst out my colleague/friend bumped into her husband who was with his friends. I hit it off with one of the men he was with and we've been texting with an aim to meet up soon.
My colleague knew this and seemed very keen for us to meet. However yesterday colleague told me she'd seen this man I'm due to go out with as he's a mutual friend. She said quite casually ' I told mutual friend you've got 3 kids by 3 dad's and you've had a boob job'. I told her she's being bitchy and not to put ideas in this man's head. Why would you tell someone that?

OP posts:
gillybeanz · 22/02/2018 21:01

She's a bitch, certainly no friend and I'd watch how you tread with her as your colleague.
Don't tell her anything, ignore her and when she asks why, tell her she's a nasty bitch.

Original poster
BearsandHearts · 22/02/2018 21:07

Mermaid he knew I have children

OP posts:
monkeysox · 22/02/2018 21:10

I think your friend was joking. Kidding that she'd "tried to put him off"
I think she counts you as a friend and can take the piss a bit

Shnazzyshot · 22/02/2018 21:31

I see it from both sides. She might genuinely like you but was just warning her friend about your baggage. I've got to be honest, a man who had 3 kids with 3 different women and wasn't with any of them, wouldn't be a man for me. I'd want to be 'warned' about this.

On the other hand, if she wanted to put him off you out of spite/jealously ect, I can see why she picked these things to tell him.

I really don't mean to sound horrible and I'm really not judging. One of the nicest people I know has 3 kids to three different men and I don't judge her at all but I personally couldn't cope with the baggage of one step child and an ex let alone 3.

At least she told you she'd told him though. Would be even more bitchy if she hadn't told you.

Enjoy your date op. Hope it goes well!

NotASingleFuckToGive · 22/02/2018 21:32

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be happy if my friends let me date a man who has 3 kids by 3 mothers without telling me, as awful as it sounds I wouldn’t touch the man with a barge pole

Me either. If a man with 3 children by 3 women was looking for dating advice on here, he'd be told to concentrate on the DC he has, rather than looking for Mother #4.

NataliaOsipova · 22/02/2018 21:36

I’m curious as to your scenario though.

Curious how, Shalva? Happy to answer! I don't know her that well (more a good friend of a good friend of mine, if that makes sense), but she's someone who's been through a lot in life and come out the other side. If you were to judge it round be in admiration!

I suppose I'm just saying that I really hate the "multiple fathers = loose morals" assumptions that people make.

Loonyluna16 · 22/02/2018 21:48

3 kids with 3 people isn't all bad.. my cousin has 7 kids with 3 dad's. 3 with first husband (married at 18 and had kids straight away) marriage didn't work out. 3 kids with 2nd hubby. Hubby sadly passed away and 1 child with her new husband who she married 18 months ago. Just because it's 3 dad's doesn't mean anything about the OP you do not know her situation. Ps OP this "friend" isn't a friend at all. Cheeky fucker.....

YellowMakesMeSmile · 22/02/2018 22:17

I'd warn a friend if a man had three children to three different women and wouldn't want to date a man that had myself.

Likewise I'd not want to date a man who had body issues and needed to resort to cosmetic surgery.

Most women would warn friends, it should be no different the other way round. His standards and decisions are his alone once he has all the info.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 22/02/2018 22:26

@Peekaboo3, my post was directed at Nitro and Advice.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 22/02/2018 23:12

3 kids with 3 people isn't all bad.. my cousin has 7 kids with 3 dad's

Grin can anyone beat that !

theftbyfinding · 23/02/2018 01:17

Yes, sadly. My dh's ex has 7 kids to five men. Lost custody of three of them. I would be concerned at such a chaotic family I guess. But equally, I'd be concerned at my friend's need to divulge info ahead of time.

Loonyluna16 · 23/02/2018 06:54

@stopfuckingshoutingatme you have quoted that and took it completely out of context to my point. Incredibly rude!

flumpybear · 23/02/2018 07:07

Put what she said behind you and enjoy your date - report back!
FWIW I think she's being a bit ,controlling' ie I can tell him stuff about you because I'm in the middle if you both at the moment, perhaps bring it up with the man and get ahead of her 'oh I hear my so called friend has been gossiping about me tonyou ' tinkly laugh 🙄

Jobjobjob · 23/02/2018 07:12

Is it true? I think I’d forewarn a good friend too, to be honest. If it’s true and he doesn’t mind, then no harm done. If it’s true and it puts him off, it wasn’t meant to be. I would certainly hold a view about one of my boys courting someone with quite such a lively history

My boys.......MIL from hell in the making!!!

Op she's a bitch!

Jobjobjob · 23/02/2018 07:13

Oh and enjoy the date OP and tell colleague nothing!!!

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 23/02/2018 07:16

It was lighthearted in the context of the thread . Not bashing your cousin I swear Smile

Original poster
BearsandHearts · 23/02/2018 08:38

My family life is not chaotic in the least

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 23/02/2018 08:45

'3 kids with 3 people isn't all bad.. my cousin has 7 kids with 3 dad's '

Two of the neighbours across from us - 7 kids to 5 different dads and 10 kids to 5 different dads.

Frequency · 23/02/2018 08:56

I think with men, it is different. If I met a man who had three kids to three women and bothered with none/some of them, as is often the case, I'd want to be warned.

Women, in general, don't walk away from their children when their relationships go sour. If a man had three children to three women, paid for them all and had regular contact with them all, it wouldn't bother me and I would be confused as to why people were 'warning' me.

Unless OP has form for getting pregnant by men and then dumping the babies on them and getting on with her merry life unaffected, I don't see why it is anyone's business but OPs.

I hope your date goes well OP.

FWIW, I have two kids by two men. Do you know how many men I slept with after baby number one? One - baby number two's father. There have been none since. The first one was always an arse but I was young and stupid and fell pregnant on the pill. The second one I married, planned a baby with then he decided to suffer some kind of male PND and turned into an abusive prick. I don't see what his abuse has to do with my morals?

Nanny0gg · 23/02/2018 09:05

Some of the responses on here are hilarious!

The OP is going on one date (for the moment) with a new man.

They are not discussing marriage or how many children they want !

Should it get to that stage, I'm sure the OP will have divulged all of her (relevant) history by then. Or it may come to nothing and he won't need to know all of her backstory.

It's just a date for heaven's sake! The colleague shouldn't have interfered.

CherryMaDeary · 23/02/2018 09:07

Lots of sexist bullshit and slut shaming on this thread.

If the colleague had told her h's friend as a friendly warning, she wouldn't be telling OP about it. She's hoping to throw OP off course and make her flustered and ashamed.

And why is the boob job is irrelevant? It's body shaming.

I hope he turns out to be a great guy, you fall in love, marry and don't invite the jealous traitor to your wedding.

expatinscotland · 23/02/2018 09:10

'I think with men, it is different. If I met a man who had three kids to three women and bothered with none/some of them, as is often the case, I'd want to be warned.'

Maybe in your opinion, but certainly not in a lot of people's. No idea why it's any different for men, they're equally responsible for children they create Hmm. I wouldn't want to even go on a date with a man who had 3 kids by 3 different women, but that's just me.

RabbityMcRabbit · 23/02/2018 09:12

@rolltopbath leaving it to your friend to tell her story would be the mark of a true friend...I'm glad you're not one of my friends, what with me having 2 children by 2 different fathers. Wouldn't want that person's truth to get in the way of a bit of juicy gossip would we?Angry

Frequency · 23/02/2018 09:21

No idea why it's any different for men, they're equally responsible for children they create

Yes, legally and morally they are but in actual practise a vast swathe of them are not. How many threads are in the lone parent topic about feckless men not paying any/enough maintenance and/or not attending contact? How many women do you know who have left their children, refuse to pay for them and piss about re contact times?

Helpimfalling · 23/02/2018 09:23

I have four kids three dads and although it's nothing to be embarrassed about two marriages and a long eight year relationship created them

Also had a boob job so what t was flat chested none of my clothes fit

But no one no one of my friends would ever say that

They may mention I have kids but what would the conversation be to have needed to say about the dads like wtf she knows how it sounds and she quiet frankly is a cunt and tell her that from me sister!!!